Jokes of the day for Wednesday, 30 November 2016

“Where do you impriso

“Where do you imprison a skeleton? In a rib cage.”

A wife was having trouble with...

A wife was having trouble with the idea of turning 30 and was oversensitive to any signs of advancing age. When she found a prominent gray hair in her bangs, she pointed to her forehead and asked her husband, "Oh no, have you seen this?"
"What?" he asked, "the wrinkles?"

Any little ones yet?

Mrs. O'Donovan was walking down O'Connell Street in Dublin, and coming in the opposite direction was Father O'Rafferty.

"Hello," said the Father, "And how is Mrs. O'Donovan, didn't I marry you two years ago?"

"You did that, Father."

"And are there any little ones yet?"

"No, not yet, Father." Said she.

"Well now, I'm going to Rome next week, and I'll light a candle for you."

"Thank-you, Father." And away she went.

A few years later they met again.

"Well now, Mrs. O'Donovan," said the Father, "how are you?"

"Oh, very well," said she.

"And tell me," he said, "have you any little ones yet?"

"Oh yes, Father. I've had three sets of twins, and four singles - ten in all."

"Now isn't that wonderful," he said "And how is your lovely husband?"

"Oh," she said, "he's over in Rome to blow that bloody \\candle out!"

 One Equal To One Half

Theorem: 1 = 1/2:
Proof:
We can re-write the infinite series 1/(1*3) + 1/(3*5) + 1/(5*7) + 1/(7*9)
+...
as 1/2((1/1 - 1/3) + (1/3 - 1/5) + (1/5 - 1/7) + (1/7 - 1/9) + ... ).
All terms after 1/1 cancel, so that the sum is 1/2.
We can also re-write the series as (1/1 - 2/3) + (2/3 - 3/5) + (3/5 - 4/7)
+ (4/7 - 5/9) + ...
All terms after 1/1 cancel, so that the sum is 1.
Thus 1/2 = 1.

I bought a new watch, because

I bought a new watch, because tock is cheap.

No flight ever leaves on time...

No flight ever leaves on time unless you are running late and need the delay to make the flight.
If you are running late for a flight, it will depart from the farthest gate in the terminal.
If you arrive very early for a flight, it inevitably will be delayed.
Flights never leave from Gate #1 at any terminal in the world.
If you must work on your flight, you will experience turbulence just as soon as you touch pen to paper.
If you are assigned a middle seat, you can determine who has the seats on the aisle and the window while you are still in the boarding area. Just look for the two largest passengers.
Only passengers seated in window seats ever have to get up to go to the washroom.
The crying baby on board your flight is always seated next to you.
The best-looking woman on your flight is never seated next to you.
The less carry-on luggage space available on an aircraft, the more carry-on luggage passengers will bring aboard

A man was walking down the bea...

A man was walking down the beach when he noticed a cave. He walked in and looked around only to discover a magic lamp buried in the sand.

He rubbed it and a genie came out and said, " You may have 3 wishes but whatever u wish for all the lawyers in the world will get double." The man agreed and said, " i want a million dollers." He got that and the lawyers got 2 million.

Next he said, " i want a ferrari." So he got one and all the lawyers got 2. Next, being his last wish, he took a minute and thought about it carefully.

Finnally he said," Well i've allways wanted to give a kidney."

The grass is always greener on...

The grass is always greener on the other side, unless Chuck Norris has been there. In that case the grass is most likely soaked in blood and tears.

Hypothetically Speaking

A little boy goes up to his father and asks: "Dad, what's the difference between hypothetical and reality?"

The father replies: "Well son, I could give you the book definitions, but I feel it could be best to show you by example. Go upstairs and ask your mother if she'd have sex with the mailman for $500,000."

The boy goes and asks his mother: "Mom, would you have sex with the mailman for $500,000?" The mother replies: "Hell yes I would!"

The little boy returns to his father: "Dad, she said 'Hell yes I would!'"

The father then says: "Okay, now go and ask your older sister if she'd have sex with her principal for $500,000."

The boy asks his sister: "Would you have sex with your principal for $500,000?" The sister replies: "Hell yes I would!"

He returns to his father: "Dad, she said 'Hell yes I would!'"

The father answers: "Okay son, here's the deal: Hypothetically, we're millionaires, but in reality, we're just living with a couple of whores."

Tom Papa: Friends Over 30

Ask anybody over 30 -- if they tell you they have more than 10 friends, you know theyre counting co-workers.

Business one-liners 46

The value of a program is proportional to the weight of its output.

The workbench is always untidier than last time.

The worse your line is tangled, the better is the fishing around you.

The yoo-hoo you you-hew into the forest is the yoo-hoo you get back.

There are no rules around here. We're trying to accomplish something. - Thomas Edison, remarking about his laboratory

There are no winners in life...only survivors.

There are only two forces that unite men, fear and self-interest...Napoleon

There are three ways to get things done: do it yourself, hire someone to do it, or forbid your kids to do it.

There are two kinds of people who don't say much: those who are quiet and those who talk a lot.

There are two rules for success in life: Rule 1 - Don't tell people everything you know.

There is nothing so small that it can't be blown out of proportion.

Are you listening to me?!

I hate it when my wife says "Are you listening to me?!"

Such a random way to start a conversation.

The children were lined up in ...

The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic elementary school for lunch.
At the head of the table was a large pile of apples.
The nun made a note, and posted on the apple tray:
"Take only ONE. God is watching."
Moving further along the lunch line, at the other end of the table was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies.
A child had written a note, "Take all you want. God is watching the apples.

Password Problem

A guy did system support in a law firm. One day, he had to

log a user off and then back on. He entered her initials and

then she gave me her password.

Her password was "genius".

After three tries and the system telling him "access

denied," he asked her how to spell it.

She said, "G - E - N - I - O - U - S."

10 yo-yo jokes to celebrate National yo-yo day

1. Why don't yo-yos make good friends?
- Because they always let you down!

2. What did the yo-yo say to the tightrope?
- "Now, that's what I call a string walk!"

3. How do yo-yos cheer each other up?
- They say, "Hang in there, it'll be an up and down ride!"

4. Why was the yo-yo so good at making decisions?
- It always knew how to go back and forth!

5. Why don't yo-yos work in zero gravity?
- They can't deal with the ups and downs!

6. What did the yo-yo say to the super glue?
- "I need someone who won't let go!"

7. Why was the yo-yo the life of the party?
- Because it always knew how to unwind!

8. How did the yo-yo become a successful motivational speaker?
- It always knew how to bounce back!

9. What do yo-yos say when they introduce themselves?
- "I’m not as up-tight as I appear!"

10. Why was the yo-yo accused of being a spy?
- Because it always goes undercover!