Jokes of the day for Wednesday, 07 December 2016

I am hereby officially tenderi

I am hereby officially tendering my resignation as an adult. I have decided I would like to accept the responsibilities of an 8 year-old again.
I want to go to McDonald's and think that it's a four star restaurant.
I want to sail sticks across a fresh mud puddle and make a sidewalk with rocks.
I want to think M&Ms are better than money because you can eat them.
I want to lie under a big oak tree and run a lemonade stand with my friends on a hot summer's day.
I want to return to a time when life was simple. When all you knew were colors, multiplication tables, and nursery rhymes, but that didn't bother you, because you didn't know what you didn't know and you didn't care.
All you knew was to be happy because you were blissfully unaware of all the things that should make you worried or upset.
I want to think the world is fair. That everyone is honest and good.
I want to believe that anything is possible.
I want to be oblivious to the complexities of life and be overly excited by the little things again.
I want to live simple again.
I don’t want my day to consist of computer crashes, mountains of paperwork, depressing news, how to survive more days in the month than there is money in the bank, doctor bills, gossip, illness, and loss of loved ones.
I want to believe in the power of smiles, hugs, a kind word, truth, justice, peace, dreams, the imagination, mankind, and making angels in the snow.
So, here's my check book and my car-keys, my credit card bills and my 401K statements. I am officially resigning from adulthood. And if you want to discuss this further, you'll have to catch me first, cause... Tag! You're it!

Geometry shapes my l...

“Geometry shapes my life.”

Denounce the devil!

The Priest was preparing a man for his long day's journey into night. Whispering firmly, the Priest said, "Denounce the devil! Let him know how little you think of him!"

The dying man said nothing.

The priest repeated his order.

Still the man said nothing.

The priest asked, "Why do you refuse to denounce the devil and his evil?"

The dying man said, "Until I know for sure where I'm heading, I don't think I ought to aggravate anybody."

 New Jersey Crazy Law

It is against the law for a man to knit during the fishing season.

You may not slurp your soup.

If you have been convicted of driving while intoxicated, you may never again apply for personalized license plates.

It is against the law to "frown" at a police officer.

On a highway you can not park under a bridge.

Car dealerships are forbidden from opening on Sunday.

You cannot pump your own gas. All gas stations are full service and full service only.

Automobiles are not to pass horse drawn carriages on the street.

It is illegal to delay or detain a homing pigeon.

Bernards Township

It is illegal to frown as the town is a "Frown-Free Town Zone".

Caldwell

You may not dance or wear shorts on the main avenue.

Cranford

Citizens are not permitted to park their own boat on their lawn.

Cresskill

All cats must wear three bells to warn birds of their whereabouts.

Elizabeth

It is forbidden for a woman, on a Sunday, to walk down Broad Street without wearing a petticoat.

Manville

It is illegal to offer whiskey or cigarettes to animals a the local zoo.

Newark

It is illegal to sell ice cream after 6pm, unless the customer has a note from his doctor.

Ocean City

Pinball machines are not to be played on Sunday.

People may not slurp their soup.

Raw hamburger may not be sold.

Raritan

Profanity is prohibited.

Sea Isle City

There will be no boiling of bones on the property.

Trenton

Pickles are not to be consumed on Sundays.

You may not throw a bad pickle in the street.

#joke #policeman #doctor #animal #cat #horse #bird #food #soup #drinks #whiskey #sport #fishing

The French-Canadian lumberjack

The French-Canadian lumberjack cut his friend in half. He was accused of sawed-ami.

The woman entered the room, an...

The woman entered the room, and with a knowing smile teasing her full lips, she sank into the comfort of the plush chair in the corner.
The handsome stranger turned, having sensed her approach.
Locking his steely grey eyes on hers, he moved slowly toward her, his experienced gaze measuring her, hypnotizing her with his soft murmurs of assurance.
He sank to his knees before her and without a word, smoothly released her from her constraining attire. With a sigh of surrender, she allowed his foreign hands to unleash her bare flesh. He expertly guided her through this tender, new territory, boldly taking her to heights she had never dared to dream of, his movements deliberate, confident in his ability to satisfy her every need.
Her senses swam. She was overcome with an aching desire that had gone unfulfilled for so long. And, just as it seemed that ecstasy was within her grasp, he paused, and for one heart-stopping moment, she thought, "It's too big! - it will never fit!"Then, with a sudden rush, it slid into place as if it had been made only for her. As pleasure and contentment washed over her, she met his steady gaze, tears of gratitude shining in her eyes.
And he knew it wouldn't be long before she returned. Oh, yes, this woman would want more. She would want to do it again and again and again...
Don't you just love shopping for shoes?

The new minister's wife had a ...

The new minister's wife had a baby. The minister appealed to the congregation for a salary increase to cover the addition to the family.The congregation agreed that it was only fair, and approved it.
When the next child arrived, the minister appealed again and the congregation approved again.
Several years and five children later, the congregation was a bit upset over the increasing expense. This turned into a rather loud meeting one night with the minister. Finally, the minister stood and shouted out,"Having children is an act of God!!"
An older man in the back stood and shouted back, "Rain and snow are acts of God, too, and we wear rubbers for them."

Chris Rock: Natural Causes

When you die at 72, no matter what you die of, its natural causes. Even if you get hit by a truck, its natural causes. Cause if you was younger, youd got out of the way.

Bag

Saddam sent his son shopping to get some food.

His son came back with the food on his head.

So Saddam says "Why have you got the shopping on your head?"

The son replies, "Because there is no Baghdad!"

Submitted by Curtis

Edited by Calamjo

End of the earth

BOY : I would go to the end of the world for you!

GIRL : Yes, but would you stay there?

Submitted by sai1ram

Edited by Curtis

Desperate after three bad months of sales at Kentucky Fried Chicken

The famous Colonel called up the Pope and asks him for a favor. "What can I do for you?" Said the Pope. The Colonel said, "Holy father, I need you to change the daily prayer from, 'Give us this day our daily bread' to 'Give us this day our daily chicken'. If you do that, I swear I will donate $10 Million Dollars to the Vatican." The Pope replied, "I am very sorry. That is the Lord's prayer and it isn't something I can just change the words for." So the Colonel, disappointed, hung up.

After another month of bad sales, the Colonel panicked, and called again. "Listen your Excellency. I really need your help. I'll donate $50 million dollars if you change the words of the daily prayer from 'Give us this day our daily bread' to 'Give us this day our daily chicken.'"

And the Pope responded, "It is very tempting, Colonel Sanders. The church could do a lot of good with that much money. It would help us to support many charities. But, again, I must decline. It is the Lord's prayer, and I can't change the words." So the Colonel gave up again. After two more months of terrible sales, the Colonel got desperate. "This is my final offer, your Excellency. If you change the words of the daily prayer from, 'Give us this day our daily bread' to 'Give us this day our daily chicken' I will donate $100 million to the Vatican." The Pope replied, "Let me get back to you."

So the next day, the Pope called together all of his bishops and said, "I have some good news and I have some bad news. The good news is that KFC is going to donate $100 million to the Vatican." The bishops rejoiced at the news. Then one asked about the bad news. The Pope replied: "The bad news is that we lost the Wonder Bread account."

Falafel jokes - to celebrate International Falafel Day

June 12 is International Falafel Day. Celebrate it with Falafel Jokes

Whenever I see the word 'falafel,' I think 'feel awful.'
It's a serious problem... and I falafel about it.

I ate a bad vegetarian kebab for lunch.
Now I falafel.

A man was found dead in a vat of falafel dressing.
Police are treating it as a hummuscide.

Did you hear about the Grecian who ate a radioactive falafel?
He became a super-gyro.

Why did Allah give falafel and hummus to the Middle East?
They prayed for more gas.

Why did the falafel go to therapy?
It needed to sort out its chickpea issues.

Why did the falafel break up with the pita bread?
It just couldn't handle the "wrapping" pressure.

What did the falafel say to the indecisive tahini?
"Make up your mind, you're too saucey for me."

Michael Ian Black: Ambien Racing Game

Heres how you play: on your drive home tonight... when you get, like, 15, 20 minutes away from your house, take an Ambien -- and then just try to beat it. Really fun, and it makes the last part of the drive go really fast, you guys.

26 funny new Thanksgiving jokes

Q: What happens when you're too harsh on cranberries and make them sad?
A: They turn into blueberries.

Q: What's the difference between Election Day and Thanksgiving?
A: On Thanksgiving, you get a turkey for the day. On Election Day, you get a turkey for four years.

Q: Why did the turkey cross the road?
A: It was Thanksgiving Day and he wanted people to think he was a chicken!

A first grade class was asked to write a paragraph called "What I'm thankful for on Thanksgiving."
Little Johnny's began, "I am thankful that I'm not a turkey."

Q: When did the Pilgrims first say, "God bless America?"
A: The first time they heard America sneeze.

Q: What do you call Thanksgiving if you're selfish?
A: Thanks-taking.

My husband doesn't think housework is a full-time job. So for Thanksgiving, I served him a raw turkey because revenge is a dish best served cold.

Why did the farmer run a steamroller over his potato field on Thanksgiving Day?
He wanted to raise mashed potatoes.

Q: What do you get when you cross a turkey with a banjo?
A: A turkey that can pluck itself!

Q: What did baby corn say to mama corn?
A: Where's popcorn?

Q: What did the turkeys sing on Thanksgiving Day?
A: God save the kin.

Q: What did the turkey say to the turkey hunter on Thanksgiving Day?
A: Quack! Quack!

Q: Which part of the turkey do drummers prefer?
A: The drumstick, or course!

Q: What's the main ingredient in Thanksgiving bread?
A: May-flour!

Q: Where's the only place that Christmas comes before Thanksgiving?
A: In the dictionary!

Q: What's a pumpkin's favorite sport?
A: Squash!

Q: What do you call it when it rains turkeys?
A: Foul weather!

Q: What sound does a turkey's phone make?
A: Wing, wing.

Q: What's the smallest unit of measurement in the pilgrim cookbook?
A: Pilgram.

Q: How did Albert Einstein celebrate Thanksgiving?
A: He was very thinkful.

Q: Why did the Pilgrim eat a candle?
A: He wanted a light snack.

Q: Why was the cook late to Thanksgiving dinner?
A: He lost track of thyme.

Q: Why did the turkey sit on the tomahawk?
A: To try to hatchet.

Q: Why do turkeys lay eggs?
A: Because if they dropped them, they would break.

Q: If fruit comes from a fruit tree, where does turkey come from?
A: A poul-tree.

Q: What do you get when a turkey lays an egg on a hill?
A: An eggroll.

What Is This?

A priest, a minister and a rabbi walk into a bar.
The bartender looks up and says:
- What is this, a joke?