Jokes of the day for Wednesday, 07 December 2016
Funny jokes, funny photo and funny video collected from the internet on Wednesday, 07 December 2016 |
I am hereby officially tenderi
I am hereby officially tendering my resignation as an adult. I have decided I would like to accept the responsibilities of an 8 year-old again.I want to go to McDonald's and think that it's a four star restaurant.
I want to sail sticks across a fresh mud puddle and make a sidewalk with rocks.
I want to think M&Ms are better than money because you can eat them.
I want to lie under a big oak tree and run a lemonade stand with my friends on a hot summer's day.
I want to return to a time when life was simple. When all you knew were colors, multiplication tables, and nursery rhymes, but that didn't bother you, because you didn't know what you didn't know and you didn't care.
All you knew was to be happy because you were blissfully unaware of all the things that should make you worried or upset.
I want to think the world is fair. That everyone is honest and good.
I want to believe that anything is possible.
I want to be oblivious to the complexities of life and be overly excited by the little things again.
I want to live simple again.
I don’t want my day to consist of computer crashes, mountains of paperwork, depressing news, how to survive more days in the month than there is money in the bank, doctor bills, gossip, illness, and loss of loved ones.
I want to believe in the power of smiles, hugs, a kind word, truth, justice, peace, dreams, the imagination, mankind, and making angels in the snow.
So, here's my check book and my car-keys, my credit card bills and my 401K statements. I am officially resigning from adulthood. And if you want to discuss this further, you'll have to catch me first, cause... Tag! You're it!
Denounce the devil!
The Priest was preparing a man for his long day's journey into night. Whispering firmly, the Priest said, "Denounce the devil! Let him know how little you think of him!"
The dying man said nothing.
The priest repeated his order.
Still the man said nothing.
The priest asked, "Why do you refuse to denounce the devil and his evil?"
The dying man said, "Until I know for sure where I'm heading, I don't think I ought to aggravate anybody."
New Jersey Crazy Law
Bernards Township
Caldwell
Cranford
Cresskill
Elizabeth
Manville
Newark
Ocean City
Raritan
Sea Isle City
Trenton
The French-Canadian lumberjack
The French-Canadian lumberjack cut his friend in half. He was accused of sawed-ami.The woman entered the room, an...
The woman entered the room, and with a knowing smile teasing her full lips, she sank into the comfort of the plush chair in the corner.The handsome stranger turned, having sensed her approach.
Locking his steely grey eyes on hers, he moved slowly toward her, his experienced gaze measuring her, hypnotizing her with his soft murmurs of assurance.
He sank to his knees before her and without a word, smoothly released her from her constraining attire. With a sigh of surrender, she allowed his foreign hands to unleash her bare flesh. He expertly guided her through this tender, new territory, boldly taking her to heights she had never dared to dream of, his movements deliberate, confident in his ability to satisfy her every need.
Her senses swam. She was overcome with an aching desire that had gone unfulfilled for so long. And, just as it seemed that ecstasy was within her grasp, he paused, and for one heart-stopping moment, she thought, "It's too big! - it will never fit!"Then, with a sudden rush, it slid into place as if it had been made only for her. As pleasure and contentment washed over her, she met his steady gaze, tears of gratitude shining in her eyes.
And he knew it wouldn't be long before she returned. Oh, yes, this woman would want more. She would want to do it again and again and again...
Don't you just love shopping for shoes?
The new minister's wife had a ...
The new minister's wife had a baby. The minister appealed to the congregation for a salary increase to cover the addition to the family.The congregation agreed that it was only fair, and approved it.When the next child arrived, the minister appealed again and the congregation approved again.
Several years and five children later, the congregation was a bit upset over the increasing expense. This turned into a rather loud meeting one night with the minister. Finally, the minister stood and shouted out,"Having children is an act of God!!"
An older man in the back stood and shouted back, "Rain and snow are acts of God, too, and we wear rubbers for them."
Chris Rock: Natural Causes
When you die at 72, no matter what you die of, its natural causes. Even if you get hit by a truck, its natural causes. Cause if you was younger, youd got out of the way.Bag
Saddam sent his son shopping to get some food.His son came back with the food on his head.
So Saddam says "Why have you got the shopping on your head?"
The son replies, "Because there is no Baghdad!"
Submitted by Curtis
Edited by Calamjo
End of the earth
BOY : I would go to the end of the world for you!GIRL : Yes, but would you stay there?
Submitted by sai1ram
Edited by Curtis
A Father, his Son and his own ...
A Father, his Son and his own father all go to a strip bar. They sit down and a lady comes over and starts shaking her ass in their faces. "I know exactly what to do" said the younger father and removed a £20 note licked it and stuck it to one of her arse cheeks."Me too" said the son and licked a £20 and stuck it to the other cheek of her arse "Now you granddad"
So granddad said "I'm not stupid I know exactly what to do". So he reached in his wallet pulled out his visa card swiped her arse and took the two twenties
The Preacher and the Frog Princess
An old country preacher was fishing one afternoon when he noticed a frog sitting next to him. The frog said, “Mister, I’ve had a spell cast on me. If you’ll kiss me, I’ll turn into a beautiful princess and I’ll make you happy for the rest of your life.”The old preacher smiled, picked up the frog, and put it in his pocket. After a while, he looked into his pocket to see how the frog was doing.The frog said again, “Mister, I’ve had a spell cast on me. If you’ll kiss me, I’ll turn into a beautiful princess and I’ll make you happy for the rest of your life.”The preacher just smiled and kept on fishing. When he checked on the frog again, it said, “What’s wrong with you, fella? I said I’ve been bewitched. Just kiss me and I’ll turn back into a beautiful princess and make you the happiest man on earth for the rest of your life!”The old preacher just smiled and said, “Frog, I’m sorry to tell you this…but at my age, I’d rather have a talking frog than a beautiful princess!”The avid golfer
Bill, an avid golfer, contacts a "Medium" and asks if there is a Golf Course in Heaven. The Medium says that his request is a big order, but he will try and find out and get back to Bill in a few days.
After several days go by, Bill finally gets a call from the Medium. "Well," said Bill, "what did ya find out?"
"I've got good news and bad news for you," said the Medium.
"OK," "what's the good news" Bill exclaimed.
"Well," there is a beautiful 36 hole golf course in Heaven, and you'll have 24 hour access with your own personal caddy," blurted out the Medium.
"And the bad news?" asked Bill.
"You're due to tee-off this Sunday at around 10:30 in the morning."
A Lesson – How to Find the Best Airline Price
I couldn’t decide whether to go to Salt Lake City or Denver for vacation, so I called the airlines to get prices. “Airfare to Denver is $300,” the cheery salesperson replied.
“And what about Salt Lake City?”
“We have a really great rate to Salt Lake—$99,” she said, “but there is a stopover.”
“Where?”
“In Denver,” she said.
How retired folks stay happy and occupied
Working people frequently ask retired people what they do to make their days interesting.
Well, for example, the other day, Mary my wife and I went into town and visited a shop. We were only in there for about 5 minutes. When we came out, there was a cop writing out a parking ticket.
We went up to him and I said, 'Come on, man, how about giving a senior citizen a break?'
He ignored us and continued writing the ticket. I called him a dumb ass. He glared at me and started writing another ticket for having worn-out tires.
So Mary called him a shit head. He finished the second ticket and put it on the windshield with the first.
Then he started writing a third ticket.
This went on for about 20 minutes.
The more we abused him, the more tickets he wrote.
Just then our bus arrived, and we got on it and went home. We try to have a little fun each day now that we're retired. It's important at our age.