Jokes of the day for Sunday, 04 June 2017

I compulsively collect appetiz

I compulsively collect appetizers. I'm a bit of a hors d'oeuvre.

The golf ball...

These two guys were approaching the first tee. The first guy goes into his golf bag to get a ball and says to his friend, "Hey, why don't you try this ball?"

He draws a green golf ball out of his bag. "You can't lose it."

His friend replies, "What do you mean you can't lose it?!"

The first man replies, "I'm serious, you can't lose it. If you hit it into the woods, it makes a beeping sound, if you hit it into the water it produces bubbles, and if you hit it on the fairway, smoke comes up in order for you to find it."

Obviously, his friend doesn't believe him, but he shows him all the possibilities until he is convinced. The friend says, "Wow! That's incredible! Where did you get that ball?!"

The man replies, "I found it."

 Answering Machine Message 66

Thank you for calling 911. All of our operators are currently busy. Please stay on the line, and your call will be answered in the order it was received. (Worst Muzak possible.) Thank you for holding. Your call is important to us. Please continue to hold. Or, if your little emergency isn't too serious, leave a message at the tone, and one of our crisis operators will call you back. Have a nice day.

How does it work that

My wife gave birth 4 times and still fits into her prom dress from high school.

I gave birth 0 times and I don't fit into my pants from 2 weeks ago?

“I made a clock mad.

“I made a clock mad. It was ticked.”

Kyle Kinane: Loving Parents

I can't believe I made it anywhere creatively, though, because I was raised by two loving and supportive parents. Nothing squashes creativity more than unconditional love and support from a functional household. If you have kids, sh*t on their dreams a little bit.

A young girl was attending...

A young girl was attending her first wedding, watching the proceedings with interest for a while before growing restless. The groom stood at the altar as six bridesmaids walked slowly up the aisle, one by one. Soon, the girl leaned over to her mom and whispered, “Why doesn’t he just hurry up and pick one?”

1. You work for an acronym, on

1. You work for an acronym, on an acronym, and your job title is an acronym.
2. You can name the project leader of more than 10 projects including your own, but still can't explain in the simplest terms what they do.
3. The process becomes more important than the product.
4. You've sat at the same desk for 3 years, done the same thing for 3 years, but have had 3 different business cards.
5. You don't see anything wrong with attending a meeting on a subject you know nothing about.
6. You feel you contributed to the meeting just by being there.
7. You realize that a paperless office is impossible. Actually, you believe it is possible, just not in your office.
8. You keep documents/manuals on projects that have been long since canceled.
9. You stop raising issues/problems because you know you will be the one answering them.
10. You fly across the country to attend a conference with 100+ people to discuss the fact that the project does not have enough money.
11. You've sat at the same desk for 4 years and worked for three different agencies.
12. Your name plate is attached with Velcro.
13. Your resume is on a diskette in your pocket.
14. The office symbol on your badge is applied with tape.
15. When someone asks about what you do for a living, you lie.
16. You get really excited about a 2% pay raise.
17. Your biggest loss from a system crash is that you loose your best jokes.
18. Your supervisor doesn't have the ability to do your job.
19. You sit in a cubicle smaller than your bedroom closet.
20. You think lunch is just a meeting to which you drive.
21. It's dark when you drive to and from work.
22. Fun is when issues are assigned to someone else.
23. Communication is something your group is having problems with.
24. You see a good looking person and know it is a visitor.
25. Free food left over from meetings is your main staple.
26. Weekends are those days your spouse makes you stay home.
27. Being sick is defined as can't walk or you're in the hospital.
28. Art involves a white board.
29. You're already late on the assignment you just got.
30. You work 200 hours for the $100 performance check and jubilantly say, "Oh wow, thanks!"
31. Dilbert cartoons hang outside every cube.
32. Your boss' favorite lines are "when you get a few minutes," "in your spare time," "when you're freed up," and "I have an opportunity for you."
33. Vacation is something you roll over to next year.
34. Your relatives and family describe your job as "works with computers."
35. Change is the norm.
36. Nepotism is encouraged.
37. The only reason you recognize your kids is because their pictures hang in your cube.
38. You only have makeup for fluorescent lighting.
39. You can name more people that used to work with you than people who do.

Pharmacist: May I help you, si

Pharmacist: May I help you, sir?
Customer: Yes...I, uh...well, this is sort of embarrassing, but I'm going out on a date tonight, and you know, I need some...
Pharmacist: You need some protection.
Customer: Right.
Pharmacist: Small, medium, or large?
Customer: Uhhhh. Medium, I guess.
Pharmacist: Okay, that'll be $2.35 including tax.
Customer: Tacks!!! I thought they stayed on by themselves!

The Shopping Criminal

It was Christmas and the judge was in a merry mood as he asked the prisoner,"What are you charged with?"

"Doing my Christmas shopping early", replied the defendant.

"That's no offense", said the judge. "How early were you doing this shopping?"

"Before the store opened."

Dan St. Germain: Too Lazy to Kill

I could never be a serial killer because Im way too lazy to follow a pattern. I used to murder women that look like Grandmother but now -- mostly delivery men.

The sun sets from fear of Chuc...

The sun sets from fear of Chuck Norris.

Sheng Wang: Man With a Comb Over

If you can show me a man with a comb over, I can show you a man who thinks that by crushing a bag of chips, you make more chips.

Trivial Pursuit

A blonde was playing Trivial Pursuit one night. When it was her turn, she rolled the dice and she landed on "Science & Nature".

Her question was, "If you are in a vacuum and someone calls your name, can you hear it?

She thought for some time and then asked, "Is it on or off?"

Holmes Investigation

Sherlock Holmes and Dr Watson went on a camping trip. After a good meal and a bottle of wine they laid down for the night, and went to sleep. Some hours later, Holmes awoke and nudged his faithful friend.
"Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see."
Watson replied, "I see millions and millions of stars."
"What does that tell you?"
Watson pondered for a minute.
"Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo. Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three. Theologically, I can see that God is all-powerful and that we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What does it tell you?"
Holmes was silent for a minute, then spoke. "It tells me that someone has stolen our tent."