Jokes of the day for Thursday, 14 September 2017
| Funny jokes, funny photo and funny video collected from the internet on Thursday, 14 September 2017 |
Good Sense
Before my daughter went on her first date, I gave her 'the talk.'
'Sometimes, it’s easy to get carried away when you’re with a boy,' I said. 'Remember, a short moment of indiscretion could ruin your life.'
'Don’t worry,' she said. 'I don’t plan on ruining my life until I get married.'
Wikipedia: I know everything!\
Wikipedia: I know everything!Google: I have everything!
Facebook: I know everybody!
Internet: Without me you all nothing.
Electricity: Yeah, keep talking...
World's Greatest Sneezer
World's Greatest Sneezer: that's the life atchoos.The Problems With Golf
The only problem with golf is that the slow people are always in front of you and the fast people always end up behind you.
If Bible Characters Had Bumper Stickers
Biblical bumper stickers:Jonah: Save the WhalesThe Israelites: Honk If You Love MosesElijah: My Other Chariot RollsGoliath: Support the Ban on SlingshotsLot: If You Can’t See Sodom, You’re Too CloseMethuselah: Be Kind to Senior CitizensFrom "Moses' Favorite Travel Jokes," published by Barbour Publishing, Inc., Uhrichsville, Ohio. Copyright 2009. Used by permission of Barbour Publishing, Inc.Family of tomatoes...
A family of three tomatoes were walking downtown one day when the little baby tomato started lagging behind. The big father tomato walks back to the baby tomato, stomps on her, squashing her into a red paste, and says, “Ketchup!”
Chuck Norris once pulled out a...
Chuck Norris once pulled out a single hair from his beard and skewered three men through the heart with it.Modern Science
Researchers say they've discovered a tree extract that couldhelp to prevent herpes...
.. Must be a rubber tree...
Shhhh!
A Sunday school teacher asked the children just before she dismissed them to go to church, "And why is it necessary to be quiet in church?"
Annie replied, "Because people are sleeping."
John Mulaney: Benchwarmer Humiliation
I played basketball for five years, and I was a benchwarmer all five years. If you were never a benchwarmer, I cannot express to you the humiliation of, every Saturday morning, putting on a pair of breakaway pants and never having a reason to break them away -- then theyre just pants. Church members...
Three couples went in to see the minister about becoming new members of his church. The minister said that they would have to go without sex for two weeks and then come back and tell him how it went.
The first couple was retired, the second couple was middle aged and the third couple was newly married.
Two weeks went by, and the couples returned to the minister.
The retired couple said it was no problem at all.
The middle-aged couple said it was tough for the first week, but after that it was no problem.
The newlyweds said it was fine until she dropped the can of paint.
"Can of PAINT!" exclaimed the minister.
"Yeah," said the newlywed man. "She dropped the can and when she bent over to pick it up I had to have her right there and then. Lust took over."
The minister just shook his head and said that they were not welcome in the church.
"That's okay," said the man. "We're not welcome in Home Depot either."
We noticed that all the waiter...
We noticed that all the waiters in this New York restaurant carried two spoons in their vest pocket. Naturally, we were curious. We asked a waiter why.'Sir, as a result of an efficiency study by the management, it was determined that the most frequently dropped silverware item was a spoon. Therefore, all the waiters carry two spoons so that the item can be instantly replaced.' As he was explaining that we noticed a string hanging out of the fly of his pants. So, we asked about that.
'Sir, that's another efficiency study result. When we have to go to the bathroom, we use the string to pull ourselves out and aim. Therefore, we do not have to stop to wash our hands.' We replied, 'I understand how you can get yourself out and aim, but how do you get yourself back in.' 'Well,' replied the waiter, 'I don't know about the other guys, but I use the two spoons!'
I may not be the most important person
I may not be the most important person in your life, but Shrinking Clothes
Pete went into the doctor's office for his annual checkup, and the Doc asked if there was anything unusual he should know about.
So Pete told the Doc that his suit must have shrunk over the last year, because it didn't fit when he went to get ready for a wedding recently.
The Doc said, "Suits don't shrink just sitting in a closet. You probably put on a few pounds."
"That's just it, Doc, I know I haven't gained a single pound since the last time I wore it."
"Well, then," said Doc, "You must have a case of Furniture Disease."
"What in the world is Furniture Disease?" asked Pete.
"That's when your chest starts sliding down into your drawers.".
