Jokes of the day for Friday, 22 September 2017
| Funny jokes, funny photo and funny video collected from the internet on Friday, 22 September 2017 |
A Penny for Your Thoughts
One night, a wife found her husband standing over their baby’s crib. Silently she watched him.
As he stood looking down at the sleeping infant, she saw on his face a mixture of emotions: disbelief, doubt, delight, amazement, enchantment, even skepticism.
Touched by this unusual display and the deep emotions it aroused, with eyes glistening she slipped her arm around her husband. “A penny for your thoughts,” she said.
“It’s amazing!” he replied. “I just can’t see how anybody can make a crib like that for only $67.50.”
Cop: "I'm sorry sir, but your
Cop: "I'm sorry sir, but your wife has been involved in a fatal car accident and we'd like you to come with us so you can identify the body."Husband: "I'm a bit busy right now. Can't you take a photo and tag me on facebook? If it's her I'll click 'Like'".
“I used to not like N
“I used to not like Newtons, but now they're my favorite snack. Go fig.”
The satisfaction of telling pe
The satisfaction of telling people to go to hell is eff ‘emeral.A guy is 86 years old and love...
A guy is 86 years old and loves to fish.He was sitting in his boat the other day when he heard a voice say,"Pick me up."
He looked around and couldn't see any one. He thought he was dreaming when he heard the voice say again,
"Pick me up." He looked in the water and there, floating on the top was a frog.
The man said, "Are you talking to me?"
The frog said, "Yes, I'm talking to you. Pick me up.
Then, kiss me and I'll turn into the most beautiful woman you haveever seen.
I'll make sure that all your friends are envious and jealous because you will have me as your bride."
The man looked at the frog for a short time, reached over, picked it up carefully, and placed it in his front breast pocket.
Then the frog said, "What, are you nuts? Didn't you hear what I said?
I said kiss me and I will be your beautiful bride."
He opened his pocket, looked at the frog and said,
"Nah, at my age I'd rather have a talking frog."
What do you like best about me....
I asked my wife the other day what she liked best about me....
"Is it my firm, trim, athletic, body? Or, rather, is it my astounding intellect?"
She replied....
"Your sense of humor, dear."
What Should They Say?
Three buddies die in a car crash, and they go to heaven to an orientation.
They are all asked, "When you are in your casket and friends and family are mourning upon you, what would you like to hear them say about you? The first guy says, "I would like to hear them say that I was a great doctor of my time, and a great family man."
The second guy says, "I would like to hear that I was a wonderful husband and school teacher which made a huge difference in our children of tomorrow."
The last guy replies, "I would like to hear them say, "Look! He's moving!"
Watching the game
A mother was walking down the hall when she heard a humming sound coming from her daughter's bedroom. When she opened the door she found her daughter naked on the bed with a vibrator.
'What are you doing?' she exclaimed.
The daughter replied, 'I'm 35 and still living at home with my parents and this is the closest I'll ever get to a husband.'
Later that week the father was in the kitchen and heard a humming sound coming from the basement. When he went downstairs, he found his daughter naked on the sofa with her vibrator.
'What are you doing?' he exclaimed.
The daughter replied, 'I'm 35 and still living at home with my parents and this is the closest I'll ever get to a husband.'
A couple of days later the mother heard the humming sound again, this time in the living room. Upon entering the room, she found her husband watching television with the vibrator buzzing away beside him.
She asked, 'What are you doing?'
He replied, 'Watching the game with my son-in-law.'
Family Bible
A little boy opened the big and old family Bible with fascination, looking at the old pages as he turned them. Then something fell out, and he picked it up and looked at it closely. It was an old leaf from a tree that had been pressed in between the pages. “Momma, look what I found,” the boy called out.
“What have you got there, dear?” his mother asked.
With astonishment in the his voice, he answered, “It's Adam's Suit!”
Teacher and student
Teacher: "What is the chemical formula for water?" Student: "HIJKLMNO."
Teacher: "What are you talking about?"
Student: "Yesterday you said it's H to O!"
Musicians and Lightbulbs
Q: How many musicians does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A: One, two, one, two, three, four!
Home for the Holidays
Morris calls his son in NY and says, "Benny, I have something to tell you. However, I don't want to discuss it. I'm merely telling you because you're my oldest child, and I thought you ought to know. I've made up my mind, I'm divorcing Mama."The son is shocked, and asks his father to tell him what happened."I don't want to get into it. My mind is made up.""But Dad, you just can't decide to divorce Mama just like that after 54 years together. What happened?""It's too painful to talk about it. I only called because you're my son, and I thought you should know. I really don't want to get into it anymore than this. You can call your sister and tell her. It will spare me the pain.""But where's Mama? Can I talk to her?""No, I don't want you to say anything to her about it. I haven't told her yet. Believe me it hasn't been easy. I've agonized over it for several days, and I've finally come to a decision. I have an appointment with the lawyer the day after tomorrow.""Dad, don't do anything rash. I'm going to take the first flight down. Promise me that you won't do anything until I get there.""Well, all right, I promise. Next week is Passover. I'll hold off seeing the lawyer until after the Seder. Call your sister in NJ and break the news to her. I just can't bear to talk about it anymore."A half hour later, Morris receives a call from his daughter who tells him that she and her brother were able to get tickets and that they and the children will be arriving in Florida the day after tomorrow."Benny told me that you don't want to talk about it on the telephone, but promise me that you won't do anything until we both get there." Morris promises. After hanging up from his daughter, Morris turns to his wife and says, "Well, it worked this time, but we are going to have to come up with a new idea to get them here for Rosh Hashanah."
Father/Son
A father passing by his son's bedroom was astonished to see the bed was nicely made and everything was picked up. Then he saw an green envelope propped up prominently on the center of the bed. It was addressed, "Dad". With the worst premonition, he opened the envelope and read the letter with trembling hands:
Dear Dad, It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you. I had to elope with my new girlfriend because I wanted to avoid a scene with mom and you.
I've been finding real passion with Mariel and she is so nice-even with all her piercing, tattoos, and her tight Motorcycle clothes. But it's not only the passion dad, she's pregnant and Mariel said that we will be very happy.
Even though you don't care for her as she is so much older than I, she already owns a trailer in the woods and has a stack of firewood for the whole winter. She wants to have many more children with me and that's now one of my dreams too.
Mariel taught me that marijuana doesn't really hurt anyone and we'll be growing it for us and trading it with her friends for all the cocaine and ecstasy we want. In the meantime, we'll pray that science will find a cure for AIDS so Mariel can get better; she sure deserves it!!
Don't worry Dad, I'm 15 years old now and I know how to take care of myself. Someday I'm sure we'll be back to visit so you can get to know your grandchildren.
Your son, Tom
PS: Dad, none of the above is true. I'm over at the neighbor's house. I just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than my report card that's in my desk center drawer. I love you! Call when it is safe for me to come home.
Cast the first stone
Jesus saw a crowd chasing down a woman to stone her and approached them. "What's going on here, anyway?" he asked.
"This woman was found committing adultery and the law says we should stone her!" one of the crowd responded.
"Wait," yelled Jesus, "Let he who is without sin cast the first stone."
Suddenly, a stone was thrown from out of the sky, and knocked the woman on the side of her head.
"Aw, c'mon, Dad...," Jesus cried, "I'm trying to make a point here!"
