Jokes of the day for Saturday, 30 September 2017

Having lunch one day, a sex th...

Having lunch one day, a sex therapist said to her friend, "According to a survey we just completed, ninety percent of all people masturbate in the shower. Only ten percent of them sing."
"Really?" asked the friend.
The therapist shook her head and proceeded to ask, "And do you know what song they sing?"
The friend nodded her head and replied, "No."
The therapist replied, "I didn't think so."

I Want to Be a Pastor When I Grow Up

After a church service on Sunday morning, a young boy suddenly announced to his mother, “Mom, I’ve decided to become a priest when I grow up.”“That’s OK with us,” she said, “but what made you decide that?”“Well,” said the little boy, “I have to go to church on Sunday anyway, and I figure it will be more fun to stand up and yell than to sit down and listen.”

I try to speak the language of

I try to speak the language of hamsters. But the translation gets all gerbiled.

A man walking along a Californ

A man walking along a California beach was deep in prayer.
Suddenly the sky clouded above his head and in a booming voice the Lordsaid, "Because you have TRIED to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grantyou one wish."
The man said, "Build a bridge to Hawaii so I can drive over anytime I want."
The Lord said, "Your request is very materialistic. Think of the enormousbottom of the Pacific! The concrete and steel it would take! It will nearlyexhaust several natural resources. I can do it, but it is hard for me tojustify your desire for worldly things. Take a little more time and think ofsomething that would honor and glorify me."
The man thought about it for a long time.
Finally he said, "Lord, I wish that I could understand my wife. I want toknow how she feels inside, what she's thinking when she gives me the silenttreatment, why she cries, what she means when she says "nothing's wrong",and how I can make a woman truly happy."
The Lord replied, "You want two lanes or four lanes on that bridge?"

Under a tack ....

Driving to work, a gentleman had to swerve to avoid a box that fell out of the truck in front of him. Seconds later, a policeman pulled him over for reckless driving. Fortunately, another office had seen the carton in the road. The policemen stopped traffic and recovered the box. It was found to contain large upholstery tacks.

"I'm sorry, Sir," the first trooper told the driver, "but I am still going to have to write you a ticket."

Amazed, the driver demanded to know the reason.

The trooper replied . . . "Tacks evasion."

 Purchasing Power Of Burgers

Cologne, May 27 dpa - The U.S. dollar is undervalued against the Deutsch-mark based on how many "Big Mac" hamburger sandwiches the two currencies can purchase, said one of Germany's leading institutes.
The Institute of the German Economy (IW) in Cologne noted that the popular sandwich by the McDonald's restaurant chain is increasingly being used by economists around the world as a measure of currencies' relative purchasing power.
The institute said that currency exchange rates are often unreliable as an instrument to measure purchasing power. At the same time, "baskets" of products used to arrive at comparative purchasing power are complicated to compile.
A simple alternative, now that McDonald's has spread to virtually every country on earth, has become to look at what a Big Mac costs, the IW said.
"A particularly hungry American can buy five Big Macs for 11 dollars. If he exchanged the money into Deutsch-marks, his 18 marks in Germany can just barely obtain four Big Macs," the IW said.
Conclusion: based on the Big Mac index, the dollar is undervalued, the institute said.
Americans can get their best Big Mac buy these days in Moscow, where one sandwich costs only about 59 cents.
But Russians must "work nearly two days in order to afford this meaty capitalist achievement - longer than people in any other country", the IW said.

High Holidays Seating Request Form

During the last High Holidays, many individuals expressed concern over the seating arrangements in the synagogue. In order for us to place you in a seat which will best suit you, we ask you to complete the following questionnaire and return it to the synagogue office as soon as possible.

1. I would prefer to sit in the... (Check one:)
   ___ Talking sectio
   ___ No talking section

2. If talking, which category do you prefer?
   (Indicate order of interest:)
   ___ Stock market
   ___ Sports
   ___ Medicine
   ___ General gossip
   ___ Specific gossip (choose from below:)
   ___ The rabbi|
   ___ The cantor
   ___ The cantor's voice
   ___ The cantor's significant other
   ___ The rabbi's  significant other
   ___ Fashion news
   ___ What others are wearing
   ___ Why they look awful
   ___ My neighbors
   ___ My relatives
   ___ My neighbors' relatives
   ___ Presidential Election, results from
   ___ Who is cheating on/having an affair with whom
   _____ My children/grandchildren
   ___ Other:_______________________________

3. Which of the following would you like to be near for free professional advice?
   __ Doctor
   __ Dentist
   __ Nutritionist
   __ Psychiatrist
   __ Child psychiatrist
   __ Podiatrist
   __ Chiropractor
   __ Stockbroker
   __ Accountant
   __ Lawyer, General Practice
   __ Criminal  Lawyer
   __ Civil Lawyer
   __ Real estate agent
   __ Architect__ Plumber
   __ Buyer (Specify store:_____________ )
   __ Sexologist  (??)
   __ Golf pro [tentative; we're still trying to find a Jewish One]
   __ Other:____________________________

4. I want a seat located (Indicate order of priority:)
   __ On the aisle
   __ Near the exit
   __ Near the window
   __ In Aruba
   __ Near the bathroom
   __ Near my in-laws
   __ As far away from my in-laws as possible
   __ As far away from my ex-in-laws as possible
   __ Near the pulpit
   __ Near the Kiddush table (not applicable on Yom Kippur)
   __ Near single men
   __ Near available women
   __ Where no one on the bimah can see/hear me talking during services
   __ Where no one will notice me sleeping during services
   __ Where I can sleep during the rabbi's sermon [additional charge]
   ___ Where I can use my iPhone

5. (Orthodox only.) I would like a seat where:
   __ I can see my spouse over the mechitza
   __ I cannot see my spouse over the mechitza
   __ I can see my friend's spouse over the mechitza
   __ My spouse cannot see me looking at my friend's spouse over the mechitza

6. Please do not place me anywhere near the following people:
   (Limit of six; if you require more space, you may wish to consider joining another congregation.)
   _________________________
   _________________________
   _________________________
   _________________________
   _________________________
   _________________________

Your name:_________________________________

Building fund pledge (acknowledging and in grateful appreciation for

this change): $________________________

“My wild cat ran away

“My wild cat ran away last week. I put up posters in our neighborhood so that others can help me find the missing lynx.”

Chuck Norris sleeps with a nig...

Chuck Norris sleeps with a night light. Not because Chuck Norris is afraid of the dark, but the dark is afraid of Chuck Norris.

Horse back riding

A blonde goes horse back riding.

It starts out slow, but then it starts to gallop.

The blonde is enjoying herself. All of a sudden she slips off and her foot gets caught in the reins.

The horse doesn't stop and the blonde is still being dragged upside down.

She doesn't know what to do. Finally the Wal-Mart manager comes and unplugs it.

Hair pulling

A six year old comes crying to his Mother because his little sister pulled his hair.

"Don't be angry," the Mother says, "Your little sister doesn't realize that pulling hair hurts."

A short while later, there's more crying, and the Mother goes to investigate.

This time the sister is bawling and her brother says...

"Now she knows."

Three Nurses Tricks

Three nurses all decided to play a joke on the doctor they worked for. Later in the day, they all got together on break and discussed what they had done to the doctor.

The first nurse said, "I put cotton in his stethoscope so he couldn't hear.

The second nurse said, "Well, I did worse than that. I poked holes in all his condoms.

The third nurse fainted.

Demetri Martin: Futon World

Theres a store in my neighborhood called Futon World. I love that name, Futon World. Makes me think of a magical place that becomes less comfortable over time.

Live like Minions

Live like Minions. Laugh out loud all day without any reason, and annoy all the mean people with your happiness.

One day a little girl was sitt...

One day a little girl was sitting and watching her mother do the dishes at the kitchen sink. She suddenly noticed that her mother had several strands of white hair sticking out in contrast on her brunette head.
She looked at her mother and inquisitively asked, "Why are some of your hairs white, Mom?"
Her mother replied, "Well, every time that you do something wrong and make me cry or unhappy, one of my hairs turns white."
The little girl thought about this revelation for a while and then said, "Momma, how come ALL of grandma's hairs are white?"