Jokes of the day for Monday, 29 January 2018
| Funny jokes, funny photo and funny video collected from the internet on Monday, 29 January 2018 |
Answering Machine Message 69
Hi! This is Mary. I'm afflicted with lysdexic procrastination. Please leave your message before the tone and I'll get around to getting it straight.
Love and Cherish till …..
A husband died. A few weeks later the wife died. As she got to heaven she saw her husband. She ran up to him with tears in her eyes.
'Darling, how I've missed you!'
The husband extends his arms stopping her from embracing him and says, 'Whoa there woman, the contract was until death!'
A little girl asked her father...
A little girl asked her father, "Daddy? Do all Fairy Tales begin with Once Upon A Time?" He replied, "No, there is a whole series of Fairy Tales that begin with 'If Elected I promise...'"
A hunter was rushed into the e...
A hunter was rushed into the emergency room with a bear trap clamped onto his testicles. As the horrified doctor was examining him, he said "Man, how did this happen?" The hunter explains that he was out in the woods and felt the call of nature. Bending down by a tree, the bear trap was triggered and snapped shut on his testicles. "Oh," exclaims the doctor, "The pain must have been excruciating!"
"It was," said the hunter. "The second worst pain in my life."
"Second worst? What could have been worse than that?"
"Coming to the end of the chain" said the hunter.
And The Fairy Said….
A married couple in their early 60s were out celebrating their 35th wedding anniversary in a quiet, romantic little restaurant.Suddenly, a tiny yet beautiful fairy appeared on their table and said, “For being such an exemplary married couple and for being faithful to each other for all this time, I will grant you each a wish. “Ooh, I want to travel around the world with my darling husband.” said the wife.
The fairy moved her magic stick and – abracadabra! – two tickets for the new QM2 luxury liner appeared in her hands.
Now it was the husbands turn. He thought for a moment and said: “Well this is all very romantic, but an opportunity like this only occurs once in a lifetime, so, I'm sorry my love, but my wish is to have a wife 30 years younger than me.”
The wife, and the fairy, were deeply disappointed, but a wish is a wish… So the fairy made a circle with her magic stick and -abracadabra! – the husband became 92 years old.
The moral of this story: “Fairies are female.”
Hillbilly at the hospital...
A hillbilly was making his first visit to a hospital where his teenage son was about to have an operation.
Watching the doctor's every move, he asked, "What's that?"
The doctor explained, "This is an anesthetic. After he gets this he won't know a thing."
"Save your time, Doc," exclaimed the man. "He don't know nothing now."
American-Yiddish Dictionary
JEWBILATION - Pride in finding out that one's favorite celebrity is Jewish.
TORAHFIED - Inability to remember one's lines at one's Bar or Bat mitzvah.
CHUTZPAPA - A father who wakes his wife at 4:00 AM so she can change the baby's diaper.
DISORIYENTA - When Aunt Sadie gets lost in a department store and strikes up a conversation with everyone she passes.
MISHPOCHAMARKS - The assorted lipstick and make-up stains found on one's face and collar after kissing all one's aunts and cousins at a reception.
ROSH HASHANANA - A rock 'n roll band from Brooklyn.
FEELAWFUL - Indigestion from eating Israeli street food.
KINDERSCHLEP - To transport other kids in your car besides yours.
OYVAYSMEAR - What one says when the cream cheese squeezes out of the bagel and falls on your clean pants.
JEWDO - A traditional form of self-defense based on talking one's way out of a tight spot.
Walking with a lantern...
Pappy sees Elmer walking with a lantern and asks, "Where ya going boy?" The son smiled and replied, "I'm a-going courting Peggy-Sue." The Father said, "When I went a-courtin', I didn't need me no dang lantern." "Sure Pa, I know." the boy said. "And look what you got !" Pearly Gates
A lawyer died and arrived at the Pearly Gates. Saint Peter asked him, "What have you done to merit entrance into Heaven?"
The lawyer thought a moment, then said, "A week ago, I gave a quarter to a homeless person on the street."
Saint Peter asked Gabriel to check this out in the records, and after a moment Gabriel affirmed that it was true.
Saint Peter said, "Well , that's fine, but it's not really quite enough to get you into Heaven."
The Lawyer said, "Wait, wait! There's more! Three years ago, I also gave a homeless person a quarter."
Saint Peter nodded to Gabriel, who, after a moment, nodded back to affirm that it was true.
Saint Peter then whispered to Gabriel, "Well, what do you suggest we do with this fellow?"
Gabriel gave the lawyer a sidelong glance, then said to Saint Peter, "Let's give him back his 50 cents and tell him to go to Hell."
Any questions?
Mommy has told her little girl all about the making of babies. Little Annie is now silent for a while.
"You understand it now?" Mommy asks.
"Yes," replies her daughter.
"Do you still have any questions?"
"Yes, how about little kittens? How does that work?"
"In exactly the same way as with babies."
"Wow!" the girl exclaims. "My daddy can do ANYTHING!"
International Day of the Tropics Joke
June 29th is International Day of the Tropics! Find jokes about it!
Why don't scientists trust atoms when vacationing in the tropics?
Because they make up everything, even the "sandy" beaches!
I once spent ten years marooned on a tropical shore...
I lived on nothing but coconuts and seafood. I fashioned sandals out of leaves, a hut out of grass and sticks, and I kept myself healthy with wild plants.
One day I was scouring the beach for copper wire to build the radio I was working on, and I came across a small white spheroid about 2" in diameter that I had difficulty biting.
The mystery was solved when a man stepped out of the trees and said, "That's mine." Astonished,
I asked him, "Where did you come from?"
He said, "From the golf resort just the other side of those trees."
#internationaldayofthetropics #dayofthetropics
International Joke Day Jokes - Why did the chicken cross the road
International Joke Day falls at the halfway point in the year on July 1st
Find some classic "Why did the chicken cross the road" jokes
Also, be sure to check more International Joke Day Jokes to share!
Why did the chicken cross the road?
No one knows. But the road will have its vengeance.
Why didn’t the chicken cross the road?
Because there was a KFC on the other side.
Why did the chicken cross the road?
To knock knock on the door, walk into the bar, and change the lightbulb.
Why did the chicken stop crossing the road?
It got tired of everyone making so many jokes!
Why did the chicken cross the road?
I don’t know, let the chicken mind its own business.
Why did the chicken cross the road?
Because this is AMERICA! It can go anywhere it wants.
Why did the chicken cross the road to KFC?
To visit his family.
Why did the chicken cross the road?
Because she saw what you did to her eggs.
Why did Chicken Little cross the road?
To warn the people on the other side that the sky was falling.
Why did the chicken cross the road?
I don’t know, why?
To get to the loser’s house. Knock, knock!
Who’s there?
The chicken!
What caused the chicken to cross the road and enter the circus?
To learn how to juggle.
Why did the chicken cross the road?
Because chickens are really, really dumb.
Why did the chicken cross the road?
Because it was free range.
Why did the turkey cross the road?
To prove he wasn’t a chicken!
Why did the chicken cross the road?
Just beak-cause he could.
Why did the rubber chicken cross the road?
To stretch her legs.
Why did the chicken cross the road?
To find a world where no one would question his intention of crossing the road.
Why did the chicken cross the road?
Because America’s aging infrastructure doesn’t adequately provide footbridges or pedestrian underpasses.
Why did the monkey carry the chicken across the road?
So that somebody could tell this joke.
Why did the chicken run across the road?
To get to the other side faster.
What do you call a chicken crossing the road?
Poultry in motion.
Why did the chicken cross the road?
It wanted to know what all the jokes were about.
Why did the chicken cross the road?
Because he was social distancing.
Why couldn’t the chicken cross the road?
Because he was chicken.
Why didn’t the chicken cross the road?
Because it got run over halfway.
Why did the chicken cross the road?
To get away from Colonel Sanders.
Why did the momma chicken cross the road?
To get to the chick-fil-a.
Why did the chicken cross the playground?
To get to the other slide.
Why did the clown cross the road?
To retrieve his rubber chicken.
Why did the baby chick cross the road?
Because it was “take your child to work day.”