Jokes of the day for Saturday, 10 February 2018
| Funny jokes, funny photo and funny video collected from the internet on Saturday, 10 February 2018 |
An English teacher reminds her...
An English teacher reminds her students of the written test in her class tomorrow:"Now, I don't want anyone to miss this important finals exam! I will not tolerate any excuse whatsoever for your absence--unless of course you had to go to the hospital because of a serious injury, or someone died in your immediate family."
Just after she spoke, a wise ass in the back of the class exclaims: "Well, what if I were to tell you that I didn't show up for the test because I experienced complete and utter sexual exhaustion?"
The students in the class try to suppress their snickers and muffled laughter.
The teacher looks sympathetically towards the young man, smiles slyly and states: "Well, then...you'll have to write with your other hand".
Question Answer 01
Where do religious school children practice sports?
In the prayground!
How did the basketball court get wet?
The players dribbled all over it!
Why did the chicken get sent off?
For persistent fowl play!
Why were the two managers sitting around sketching crockery before the start of the game?
It was a cup draw!
Where do football directors go when they are fed up?
The bored room!
A manager was being interviewed after he had resigned from a football club?
"Were the crowd not behind you" asked the reporter
"They were right behind me all right", said the manager, "But I managed to shake them off at the station!"
Why was the struggling mange seen shaking the club cat?
To see if there was any more money in the kitty!
A girl from New York and a gir...
A girl from New York and a girl from the west coast were seated side byside on an airplane.The girl from New York, being friendly and all said, "So, where ya from?"
The west coast girl said, "From a place where they know better than touse a preposition at the end of a sentence."
The girl from New York, sat quietly for a few moments and then replied:
"So, where ya from.... bitch?"
Wrong number...
A woman meant to call a record store but dialed the wrong number and got a private home instead.
"Do you have 'Eyes of Blue' and 'A Love Supreme'?" she asked.
"Well, no," answered the puzzled homeowner. But I HAVE got a wife and eleven children."
"Is that a record?" she inquired.
"I don't think so," replied the man, "but it's as close as I want to get to setting one."
Parking Ticket
My wife and I went into town and visited a shop. When we came out, there was a cop writing out a parking ticket.. We went up to him and I said, "come on man, how about giving a senior citizen a break?" He ignored us and continued writing the ticket. I called him an "asshole." He glared at me and started writing another ticket for having worn-out tires. So my wife called him a "butthead".He finished the second ticket and put it on the windshield with the first. Then he started writing more tickets.
This went on for about 20 minutes. The more we abused him, the more tickets he wrote. He finally finished, sneered at us and walked away. Just then our bus arrived, and we got on it and went home.
We always look for cars with Obama 2012 stickers. We try to have a little fun each day now that we're retired. It’s so important at our age!!
Teenage Daughters
There's an Englishman, Irishman & Scotsman all talking about their teenage daughters...The Englishman says " I was cleaning my daughter's room the other day & I found a packet of cigarettes. I was really shocked as I didn't even know she smokes".
The Scotsman says " That's nothing. I was cleaning my daughter's room the other day when I came across a half full bottle of Vodka. I was really shocked as I didn't even know she drank."
With that the Irishman says " Both of you have got nothing to worry about. I was cleaning my daughter's room the other day when I found packet of condoms. I was really shocked. I didn't even know she had a cock."
Do you know why the Cincinnati...
Do you know why the Cincinnati Bengals were the last NFL team to get a website?Because they couldnt put three W's in a row.
The Dyslexic Rabbi
Q: Did you hear about the dyslexic Rabbi?
A: He walks around saying "Yo."
Zen Judaism
Relinquishment will lead to calm and healing in your relationships. If that doesn't work, try small claims court.
Though only your skin, sinews, and bones remain, though your blood and flesh dry up and wither away, yet shall you meditate and not stir until you have attained full Enlightenment. But, first, a little nosh.
Accept misfortune as a blessing. Do not wish for perfect health or a life without problems. What would you talk about?
Be here now. Be someplace else later. Is that so complicated?
There is no escaping karma. In a previous life, you never called, you never wrote, you never visited. And whose fault was that?
The Torah says, "Love thy neighbor as thyself." The Buddha says there is no "self." So, maybe you are off the hook.If there is no self, whose arthritis is this?
Wherever you go, there you are. Your luggage is another story.
Do not let children play contact sports like football. These only lead to injuries and instill a violent, warlike nature. Encourage your child to play peaceful games, like "sports doctor."
The journey of a thousand miles begins with a single "oy."
This joke is reprinted from "Zen Judaism: For You a Little Enlightenment" by David M. Bader (Harmony Books, 2002). All rights reserved.
At The Bar
I was sitting at a bar with a friend the other night when he casually pointed across the bar from us and said, "see those two old drunks sitting there... that's going to be us in ten years."
I looked and him and said, "that's a mirror stupid!"
A blond and her blond boyfrien...
A blond and her blond boyfriend went for a walk along the river. The blond walked across alone on a wooden bridge. After crossing the river, the bridge fell down. She called across to her blond boyfriend telling him that she couldn't get back.He yelled in response, "Wait until dark, and I will shine my flash light across the river. Get on the light beam and walk back."
She replied, "No, I'll get half way across the river, and you will turn the light off on me!"
Work virus
There is a dangerous virus going around. It is called WORK.
If you receive WORK from your colleagues, your boss, or anyone else, via e-mail or any other means, DO NOT TOUCH IT! This virus wipes out your private life completely.
If you should come into contact with WORK, put on your jacket, take two good friends and go straight to the nearest pub.
Order the antidote known as BEER. Take the antidote repeatedly until WORK has been completely eliminated from your system.
Forward this warning immediately to at least 5 friends. Should you realize that you do not have 5 friends, this means that you are already infected and that WORK already controls your life.
REMEMBER, THIS VIRUS IS DEADLY!
This an interactive joke, so h...
This an interactive joke, so have a piece of paper and pen handy. A blonde woman walks into an auto parts store and the parts man asks how she is doing and what can he do for her. She replies, "Fine, I need a seven-ten cap for my car." The man asks," A seven-ten cap? Where does it go, I've never heard of such a thing?"
The blonde angrily replies, "It goes on top of the engine and don't think just because I'm blonde I don't know what I'm talking about!!" Perplexed,the parts man asks if she would draw him a picture and maybe help him out in figuring out what it is she needs.
Reader: Draw the number 710 in the middle of the paper and draw a circle around the whole number. Now turn the paper upside down.
