Jokes of the day for Saturday, 24 February 2018
| Funny jokes, funny photo and funny video collected from the internet on Saturday, 24 February 2018 |
During preseason training, a c...
During preseason training, a college football lineman married one of the team's cheerleaders. The coach was a bit surprised and remarked to his star football player, "You are such a big, burley guy. Why in the world did you marry such a tiny, petite woman? She is no bigger than your hand.""That's right, Coach," replied the lineman. "But, she's much better!"
I''m lost...
A small boy was lost, so he went up to a policeman and said, "I've lost my dad!"
The policeman said, "What's he like?"
The little boy replied, "Chips and beer."
Shalom Race
As you may know, in a shalom race the skier must pass through about 20 "gates" in the fastest time. Well, it happened that Israel had the fastest slalom skier in the world and had great expectations for an Olympic gold medal.
Came the day of the final, the crowd waited in anticipation. The French champion sped down the course in 38 seconds. The Swiss in 38.7 seconds, the German in 37.8 seconds and the Italian in 38.1 seconds. Next came the Israeli's turn ... the crowd waited, and waited...six minutes!
"What happened to you?" screamed his trainer when the Israeli finally arrived. Replied the exhausted Israeli: "Which of those idiots put a mezuzah on each gate?"
Stolen Car
A drunk phoned the police to report that thieves had broken in to his car.
"They've stolen the dashboard, steering wheel, break pedal, even the accelerator," he cried out.
However, before the police investigation could get under way the phone rang a second time, with the same voice came over the line. "Never mind," said the drunk with a hiccup, "I got in the backseat by mistake."
Caught on the Job
The new army recruit was given guard duty at 2 a.m. He did his best for a while, but at about 4 a.m. he went to sleep. He awakened to find the officer of the day standing before him.
Remembering the heavy penalty for being asleep on guard duty, this smart young man kept his head bowed for another moment and looked upward and reverently said, “A-a-a-men!â€
Knock Knock Collection 137
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Odysseus!
Odysseus who?
Odysseus the last straw!
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Ogre!
Ogre who?
Ogre take a flying leap!
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Ohio!
Ohio who?
Ohio Silver!
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Ohio!
Ohio who?
Ohio feeling!
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Okra!
Okra who?
Okra Winfrey!
Long winded
A man was giving a speech at his lodge meeting. He got a bit carried away and talked for two hours. Finally, he realized what he had done and said, "I'm sorry I talked so long. I left my watch at home."
A voice from the back of the room replied, "There's a calendar behind you..."
You will spend eternity here...
The devil meets him at the gate and says, "Alright, you have died and come to hell. You will spend eternity here, but you get to choose how to spend it. You may choose one of these three doorways. Once you choose a door, you may not change it. So let's get started."
The devil opens Door One. The guy looks in and sees a couple of people standing on their heads on a Concrete floor. The guy says, "No way, let's move on."
The devil opens Door Two. The guy sees a few more people standing on their heads on a Wood floor. The guy says, "No way, let's move on."
The devil opens Door Three. The guy sees a bunch of people standing knee-deep in cow manure drinking coffee. The guy says, "Great, this is the one I will chose." The devil says, "OK, wait right here, I will get you some coffee."
The guy settles in with his coffee thinking that this isn't so bad. What's the big deal?
After about 10 minutes a voice comes over the loud speaker saying, "Coffee break's over. Back on your heads!"
Designated Drunk
One night at a local bar frequented by a bunch of deer hunters who were waiting for the opening day of deer season, the local sheriff scoped out the joint for possible drunk drivers.
As he waited, eventually a patron stumbled out of the bar, fumbled for his keys, tried them in three different cars until he finally found his, got inside and rested his head on the steering wheel. The deputy knew he had his drunk driver, so now all he had to do was wait for him to start his engine and pull out of the lot.
A few hours passed by and most of the other deer hunters had left by then, when the patron abruptly lifted his head, cranked the car up and drove out of the lot like a bat out of hell. The deputy followed him and stopped him promptly. He administered the breath-o-lizer test and it read 0.00.
Confused, the deputy asked the driver what the hell was going on. The driver looked at him innocently and said, "Well, tonight I'm the designated decoy."
Bless This Car
A rabbi, a priest and a minister have their houses of worship side by side, so they decide to carpool.
On the first day, the other two are shocked to see the pastor lay hands on the hood and pray silently.
"What are you doing?" the priest asks.
The pastor looks up. "I'm just dedicating the car to the Lord's service."
"Good idea! Be right back!" the priest exclaims, running into his church. He emerges with a bulb on a short stick, shaking water out of it onto the car.
The rabbi stares. "What are you doing?" he says.
"I'm consecrating it with holy water," the priest replies.
"Great idea!" the rabbi says, and runs into his synagogue's toolshed. He emerges with a hacksaw and takes off an inch of the tailpipe.
A posted in a couples home ...
A posted in a couples home ...."I am the boss of the house...I have my wife's permission to say so!!!" A very drunk gent checked into...
A very drunk gent checked into a hotel late one Saturday night. He awoke very ill and summoned a bellboy to fetch him a bottle of whiskey and a Sunday newspaper. The bellhop was gone a long time. When he returned, the drunk remarked, "It must be hard to buy a bottle in this town on Sunday."
"There was no trouble with the whiskey," replied the bellboy, "but it's tough finding a Sunday paper on Tuesday."
