Jokes of the day for Saturday, 10 March 2018
| Funny jokes, funny photo and funny video collected from the internet on Saturday, 10 March 2018 |
Should Have Glasses
A policeman stops a lady and asks for her license. He says "Lady, it says here that you should be wearing glasses."The woman answered "Well, I have contacts."
The policeman replied "I don't care who you know! You're getting a ticket!"
Kidnapped
Most Friday nights at the naval station in Bermuda, we would assemble at the officer's club after work. Z
One Friday, Rick, a newly married ensign, insisted he had to leave at 6 p.m.
We all tried to talk him into staying, but he'd promised his bride he'd be home by six. I offered to call home for Rick.
When his wife answered the phone, I said, 'Rick has been kidnapped.
Put five dollars in small, unmarked bills in a plain brown paper bag and throw it in the door of the officer's club.' Then I hung up.
A short time later, a waiter brought a grocery bag to our table.
In it were Rick's baseball glove, a tennis racket, and a teddy bear.
Attached to the bear was a note: 'Rick can play kidnapped until 7 p.m. Then he must come home.'
It's been my life l...
“It's been my life long vision to become an optometrist, but I just couldn't see a way to make it happen.”
A couple had not been getting...
A couple had not been getting along for years, so the husband buys his wife a cemetery plot for her birthday.Well, you can imagine her disappointment. The next year, her birthday rolls around again and this time he doesn't get her anything.
"Why didn't you get me a birthday present!?" she asks angrily.
"Are you kidding me?" he replies, "You didn't use what I got you last year!"
Probing questions....
Why is it that if someone tells you that there are 1 billion stars in theuniverse, you will believe it, but if someone tells you a wall has wet paint, you will have to touch it to be sure?If Fed Ex and UPS were to merge, would they call it FedUPs?
Are Lipton Tea employees allowed to take coffee breaks?
What hair color do they put on the drivers licenses of bald men?
Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office? What are wesupposed to do, write to them? Why don't they just put their pictures on the postage stamps so the mailmen could look for them while they delivered the mail?
How much deeper would oceans be if sponges didn't live there?
If it's true that we are here to help others, then what exactly are the othershere for?
You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.
No one ever says 'It's only a game,' when their team is winning.
Ever wonder what the speed of lightning would be if it didn't zigzag?
If God Had Voice Mail
Thank you for calling heaven.
I am sorry, all of our angels and saints are busy helping other sinners right now. However, your prayer is important to us and we will answer it in the order it was received. Please stay on the line.
If you would like to speak to:
God, press 1.
Jesus, press 2.
The Holy Spirit, press 3.
If you would like to hear King David sing a Psalm while you are holding, press 4.
To find a loved one who has been assigned to Heaven, press 5, then enter his or her social security number followed by the pound sign. (If you get a negative response, please hang up and try area code 666.)For reservations in heaven, please enter J-O-H-N 3:16
For answers to nagging questions about dinosaurs, the age of the earth, life on other planets, and where Noah's Ark is, please wait until you arrive.
If you are calling after hours and need emergency assistance, please contact your local pastor.
I Want This Done Right
A man with a piece of paper in his hand comes into an office where another man is sitting next to a shredding machine. "Do you know how to operate this thing?" he asks. "I have an important paper here and I want to make sure this is done right."
"Sure," the other man answers. "Just put the paper in here and press this button."
The first man does so, saying, "Great. And where do the copies come out?"
You CAN take it with you?
There once was a rich man who was near death. He was very grieved because he had worked so hard for his money and he wanted to be able to take it with him to heaven. So he began to pray that he might be able to take some of his wealth with him.
An angel hears his plea and appears to him. "Sorry, but you can't take your wealth with you." The man implores the angel to speak to God to see if He might bend the rules.
The man continues to pray that his wealth could follow him. The angel reappears and informs the man that God has decided to allow him to take one suitcase with him. Overjoyed, the man gathers his largest suitcase and fills it with pure gold bars and places it beside his bed.
Soon afterward the man dies and shows up at the Gates of Heaven to greet St. Peter. St. Peter seeing the suitcase says, "Hold on, you can't bring that in here!"
But the man explains to St. Peter that he has permission and asks him to verify his story with the Lord. Sure enough, St. Peter checks and comes back saying, "You're right. You are allowed one carry-on bag, but I'm supposed to check its contents before letting it through."
St. Peter opens the suitcase to inspect the worldly items that the man found too precious to leave behind and exclaims, "You brought pavement?!!!"
In order to pay his medical sc...
In order to pay his medical school tuition, a student was working two jobs over the summer. One was as a butcher's assistant and the other as a hospital orderly, both jobs that required the young man wear a long white coat. One night he was wheeling a woman into surgery when she sat up suddenly, looked him in the eye, and screamed, "God save me! It's the butcher!"
The ups and downs of the U.S...
The ups and downs of the U.S. Stock Market frightened a lot of small investors. One guy went to his financial adviser at the bank and asked if he were worried.His advisor replied, "Well, let me put it this way, I sleep like a baby."
The man was amazed and exclaimed, "Really? Even with all the market fluctuations?"
Answered the advisor, "Yes. I sleep for a couple of hours, then wake up and cry for a couple of hours."
Second-hand goods
A divorced man bumps into his ex-wife's new husband at a party.
After knocking back a few drinks, he walks over to the guy and sneers: "So, how do you like using second-hand goods?"
"Doesn't bother me," the new husband replies. "Once you get past the first three inches, it's all brand new."
Dan Cummins: Pizza Sale
I saw a grown man once riding one of those weird standup scooters down the side of the road -- you have to tilt to make it move forward, I think its called a Segway or a Douchebag Way -- wearing a toga and holding a sign for a pizza sale. My first thought was, Congrats, youve hit rock bottom. But my second thought was, If you took away just the sign, then that guy would rule.
Increase the donation
The crumbling, old church building needed remodeling, so the preacher made an impassioned appeal, looking directly at the richest may in town. At the end of the message, the rich man stood up and announced, "Pastor, I will contribute $1,000."
Just then, plaster fell from the ceiling and struck the rich man on the shoulder. He promptly stood again and shouted, "Pastor, I will increase my donation to $5,000."
Before he could sit back down, plaster fell on him again, and again he virtually screamed, "Pastor, I will double my last pledge."
He sat down, and an larger chunk of plaster fell hitting him on the head. He stood once more and hollered, "Pastor, I will give $20,000!"
This prompted a deacon to shout, "Hit him again, Lord! Hit him again!"
I've started working as...
I've started working as a porn writer, but its harder than expected. There's just so many holes in the plot.
