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Jokes of the day for Saturday, 07 April 2018

Funny jokes, funny photo and funny video collected from the internet on Saturday, 07 April 2018

Question And Answer Jokes

Q: How many lawyer jokes are there?
A: Just two, all the rest are true.
Q: What's the difference between a lawyer and a trampoline?
A: You take off your shoes before you jump on a trampoline.
Q: What do you get when you cross the Godfather with a lawyer?
A: An offer you can't understand.
Q: What is a criminal lawyer?
A: Redundant.
Q: How many personal injury attorneys does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Three--one to turn the bulb, one to shake him off the ladder, and the third to sue the ladder company.
Q: Why does California have the most attorneys, and New Jersey have the most toxic waste dumps?
A: New Jersey got first pick.
Q: What's black and brown and looks good on an attorney?
A: A doberman pinscher.
#joke #lawyer
Joke | Source: Joke of the Day - Jokes served hot and fresh daily.
  • Currently 7.20/10

Rating: 7.2/10 (5)

A President Visits an Elementary School

After delivering a speech at an elementary school, the president lets the kids ask a few questions. One little boy, Joe raises his hand and asks, “How come you invaded Iraq without the support of the United Nations?”
Just as the president begins to answer, the recess bell rings and he says they’ll continue afterward. 25 minutes later the kids come back to class.
“Where were we?” says the president. “Oh, yes… do you kids have any questions?”
Another boy raises his hand and says, “I have three questions: First, why did you invade Iraq without support from the U.N.? Second, why did the recess bell go off 30 minutes early? And third, where is my buddy Joe?”

#joke
Joke | Source: Friars Club - For over 25 years the Sunshine Committee has been providing entertainment, companionship and love to children's and senior citizens centers in the NY area.
  • Currently 7.07/10

Rating: 7.1/10 (14)

SLIDESHOW #1 - Funny Photo Slideshow

What thrill ride doe...

“What thrill ride does a drink go on? A coaster!”

#joke #short
  • Currently 4.88/10

Rating: 4.9/10 (8)

Little Johnny's Confession

The children were all lined up for their first confession when Little Johnny’s turn came. The priest asked him to confess his sins, and the boy promptly replied, “Father, I threw a stone at Jimmy.”“That was a very misguided thing to do, my son,” said the priest patiently.“It wasn’t misguided at all,” said Little Johnny. “I hit him.”
#joke
Joke | Source: Belief net - Joke of the day, features on religion, spirituality, faith
  • Currently 7.44/10

Rating: 7.4/10 (9)

A girl was visiting her blonde...

A girl was visiting her blonde friend, who had acquired two new dogs, and asked her what their names were.
The blonde responded by saying that one was named Rolex and one was named Timex.
Her friend said, 'Whoever heard of someone naming dogs like that?'
'HELLLOOOOOOO......,' answered the blonde. 'They're watch dogs'!
#joke #blonde
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Wednesday, 19 October 2016
  • Currently 8.29/10

Rating: 8.3/10 (45)

Things you don't want to hear from tech support...

'Do you have a sledgehammer or a brick handy?'

'...that's right, not even McGyver could fix it.'

'So... what are you wearing?'

'Duuuuuude! Bummer!'

'Press 1 for Support. Press 2 if you're with 60 Minutes. Press 3 if you're with the FTC.'

'We can fix this, but you're gonna need a butter knife, a roll of duct tape, and a car battery.'

'In layman's terms, we call that the Hindenburg Effect.'

'Hold on a second... Mom! Timmy's hitting me!'

'Okay, turn to page 523 in your copy of Dianetics.'

'Please hold for Mr. Gates' attorney.'

#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Monday, 13 April 2015
  • Currently 3.75/10

Rating: 3.8/10 (8)

A couple began dating after me

A couple began dating after meeting on a seniors' coach trip. They enjoyed each other's company and after taking things slowly at first, the relationship began to get more physical, and one evening after a romantic candlelit dinner, they ended up in bed together.
Afterwards, each was lost in private thought. He was thinking, "If I'd known she was a virgin, I'd have been more gentle."
And she was thinking, "If I'd known he could still get it up, I'd have taken off my tights."
#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Saturday, 15 November 2014
  • Currently 5.33/10

Rating: 5.3/10 (3)

Twenty Bucks

A man is walking home late at night when he sees a woman in the shadows.

"Twenty bucks," she says. he'd never been with a hooker before, but he decides what the hell it's only twenty bucks.

They're going at it for a minute when all of a sudden a light flashes on them it's a police officer.

"What's going on here, people?" asks the officer.

"I'm making love to my wife," the man answers indignantly.

"Oh, I'm sorry," says the cop, "I didn't know."

"Well," said the man, "neither did I until you shined that light in her face."

#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Thursday, 07 April 2011
  • Currently 7.61/10

Rating: 7.6/10 (54)

Chicken or the egg?

Which came first?

The chicken or the egg?

Neither... The rooster came first.

#joke #short
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Tuesday, 07 April 2009
  • Currently 6.68/10

Rating: 6.7/10 (47)

And the Winner Is

The father of five children had won a toy at a raffle. He called his kids together to ask which one should have the present.
“Who is the most obedient?” he asked. “Who never talks back to mother?
Who does everything she says?”
Five small voices answered in unison.
“Okay, dad, you get the toy.”

#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Friday, 07 April 2017
  • Currently 8.45/10

Rating: 8.5/10 (44)

Going to Las Vegas

A husband comes home to find his wife with her suitcases packed in the living room.

"Where the hell do you think you're going?" he says.

"I'm going to Las Vegas. You can earn $400 for a blow job there, and I figured that I might as well earn money for what I do to you free."

The husband thinks for a moment, goes upstairs, and comes back down, with his suitcase packed as well.

"Where do you think you going?" the wife asks.

"I'm coming with you...I want to see how you survive on $800 a year!!!"

#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Saturday, 07 April 2012
  • Currently 6.20/10

Rating: 6.2/10 (41)

A Game Of Animal Football


The animals were bored. Finally, the lion had an idea. "I know a really exciting game that the humans play called football. I've seen it on T.V."
He proceeded to describe it to the rest of the animals and they all got excited about it so they decided to play. They went out to the field and chose up teams and were ready to begin.
The lion's team received. They were able to get two first downs and then had to punt. The mule punted and the rhino was back deep for the kick. He caught the ball, lowered his head and charged. First, he crushed a roadrunner, then two rabbits. He gored a wildebeast, knocked over two cows, and broke through to daylight, scoring six.
Unfortunately, they lacked a placekicker, and the score remained 6 - 0.
Late in the first half the lion's team scored a touchdown and the mule kicked the extra point. The lion's team led at halftime 7 - 6. In the locker room, the lion gave a peptalk.
"Look you guys. We can win this game. We've got the lead and they only have one real threat. We've got to keep the ball away from the rhino, he's a killer. Mule, when you kick off be sure to keep it away from the rhino."
The second half began. Just as the mule was about to kick off, the rhino's team changed formation and the ball went directly to the rhino. Once again, the rhino lowered his head and was off running. First, he stomped two gazelles. He skewered a zebra, and bulldozed an elephant out of the way. It looked like he was home free. Suddenly at the twenty yard line, he dropped over dead. There were no other animals in sight anywhere near him. The lion went over to see what had happened. Right next to the dead rhino he saw a small centipede.
"Did you do this?" he asked the centipede.
"Yeah, I did." the centipede replied.
The lion retorted, "Where were you during the first half?"
"I was putting on my shoes."

#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Thursday, 07 April 2011
  • Currently 5.63/10

Rating: 5.6/10 (35)

No one else sees life through your eyes

Don’t let anyone invalidate or minimize how you feel. If you feel something, you feel it and it’s real to you. Nothing anyone says has the power to invalidate that, ever. No one else lives in your body. No one else sees life through your eyes. No one else has lived through your experiences. And so, no one else has the right to dictate or judge how you feel. Your feelings are important and you deserve to be heard. They are inherently valid and they matter. Don’t let anyone make you believe otherwise.
#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Saturday, 04 July 2015
  • Currently 3.00/10

Rating: 3.0/10 (2)

Deliverance

It is pouring rain in the flood plain of the Mississippi Valley, and the rising river begins to threaten all manner of private homes, including that of the local Rabbi.
With water coming into the ground floor, a rowboat with police comes by, and the officer shouts, "Rabbi, let us evacuate you! The water level is getting dangerous."
The Rabbi replies, "No thank you, I am a righteous man, who trusts in the Almighty, and I am confident he will deliver me." Three hours go by, and the rains intensify, at which point the Rabbi has been forced up to the second floor of his house.A second police rowboat comes by, and the officer shouts, "Rabbi, let us evacuate you! The water level is getting dangerous."
The Rabbi replies, "No thank you, I am a righteous man, who trusts in the Almighty, and I am confident he will deliver me."
The rain does not stop, and the Rabbi is forced up onto the roof of his house. A helicopter flies over, and the officer shouts down, "Rabbi, grab the rope and we'll pull you up! You're in terrible danger!"
The Rabbi replies, "No thank you, I am a righteous man, who trusts in the Almighty, and I am confident he will deliver me."
The deluge continues, and the Rabbi is swept off the roof, carried away in the current and drowns. He goes up to heaven, and at the Pearly Gates he is admitted, and comes before the Divine Presence.
The Rabbi asks, "Dear Lord, I don't understand. I've been a righteous observant person my whole life, and depended on you to save me in my hour of need. Where were you?"
And the Lord answered, "I sent two boats and a helicopter, what more do you want?"

#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Sunday, 24 January 2010
  • Currently 5.93/10

Rating: 5.9/10 (55)

Bored

I'm so bored i wish someone would kidnap me so i could go on an adventure.

#joke #short
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Sunday, 07 June 2015
  • Currently 7.20/10

Rating: 7.2/10 (5)

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