Jokes of the day for Monday, 09 April 2018

Who is Working

For a couple years I ‘ve been blaming it on lack of sleep and too much pressure from my job, but now I found out the real reason: I’m tired because I’m overworked.
The population of this country is 237 million. 104 million are retired. That leaves 133 million to do the work. There are 85 million in school, which leaves 48 million to do the work. Of this there are 29 million employed by the federal government, leaving 19 million to do the work. 2.8 million are in the Armed Forces, which leaves 16.2 million to do the work. Take from the total the 14,800,000 people who work for State and City Governments and that leaves 1.4 million to do the work. At any given time there are 188,000 people in hospitals, leaving 1,212,000 to do the work. Now, there are 1,211,998 people in prisons.
That leaves just two people to do the work. You and me. And you’re sitting at your computer reading jokes.

“My wife found a twen

“My wife found a twenty in my pants pocket after she washed and dried them. I had to turn her in to the authorities for money laundering.”

Answering Machine Message 192

Hello, this is Ron. I'm not home right now, but I can take a message. Hang on a second while I get a pencil. (Open a drawer and shuffle stuff around.) OK, what would you like me to tell me?

Bibles to Boats

A young man from Nebraska moves to Florida and goes to a big "everything under one roof" department store looking for a job. The manager asks, "Do you have any sales experience?" The kid replies, "Yeah, I was one of the best Bible salesman back in Omaha."The boss liked the kid and gave him the job. "You can start tomorrow. I'll come down after we close and see how you did."His first day on the job was rough, but he got through it. After the store was locked up, the boss came down. "How many customers bought something from you today?” The kid responds, "One."The boss says, "Just one? Our sales people average 20 to 30 customers a day. How much was the sale for?""$101,237.65.""$101,237.65? Holy Mother Mary! What did you sell to him?""First, I sold him a small fish hook. Then, I sold him a medium fish hook. Then, I sold him a larger fish hook. Then, I sold him a new fishing rod. Then, I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down the coast. I told him he was going to need a boat, so we went down to the boat department, and I sold him a twin engine Boston Whaler. Then, he said he didn't think his car would pull it, so I took him down to the automobile department and sold him a 4x4 truck with all the bells and whistles.""A guy came in here to buy a fish hook, and you sold him a boat and a truck?!""No, the guy came in here to buy feminine products for his wife, and I said, 'Dude, your weekend's shot. You should go fishing.'"- Joke shared by Beliefnet member socaliflady

A radio announcer was introduc...

A radio announcer was introducing a record, "The next one is for Charlotte Burke, who is a hundred and eleven. Hey, Charlotte, that's a ripe old age, isn't it?"
There was a short pause and then the DJ said, "I'm sorry, I got it wrong. This next one is for Charlotte Burke, who is ill."

Never raise your hands to your

Never raise your hands to your kids. It leaves yourgroin unprotected.
I'm not into working out. My philosophy is no pain, nopain.
I'm in shape. Round is a shape.
I'm desperately trying to figure out why Kamikazepilots wore helmets.
I've always wanted to be somebody, but I should havebeen more specific.
Ever notice when you blow in a dog's face he gets madat you, but when you take him in a car he sticks hishead out the window?
Ever notice that anyone going slower than you is anidiot, but anyone going faster is a maniac?
You have to stay in shape. My mother started walkingfive miles a day when she was 60. She's 97 now and wehave no idea where she is.
I have six locks on my door, all in a row. When I goout, I lock every second one. I figure no matter howlong somebody stands there picking the locks, they arealways locking three of them.
One out of every three Americans is suffering fromsome form of mental illness. Think of two of your bestfriends. If they are OK, then it must be you.
They show you how detergents take out bloodstains. Ithink if you've got a T-shirt with bloodstains allover it, maybe your laundry isn't your biggestproblem.
Ask people why they have deer heads on their walls andthey tell you it's because they're such beautifulanimals. I think my wife is beautiful, but I only havephotographs of her on the wall.
A lady came up to me on the street, pointed at mysuede jacket and said, "Don't you know a cow wasmurdered for that jacket?" I said "I didn't know therewere any witnesses. Now I'll have to kill you too.

Change your course

Through the pitch-black night, the captain sees a light dead ahead on a collision course with his ship. He sends a signal: “Change your course 10 degree east.” The light signals back: “Change yours, 10 degrees west.” Angry, the captain sends: “I’m a navy captain! Change your course, sir!” “I’m a seaman, second class,” comes the reply. “Change your course, sir.” Now the captain is furious. “I’m a battleship! I’m not changing course!” There is one last reply. “I’m a lighthouse. Your call.”

A man in a hot air balloon rea...

A man in a hot air balloon realized he was lost. He reduced altitude and spotted a woman below. He descended a bit more and shouted,” Excuse me, can you help? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour
ago, but I don't know where I am."

The woman below replied, "You are in a hot air balloon hovering approximately 30 feet above the ground. You are between 40 and 41 degrees north latitude and between 59 and 60 degrees west longitude."

"You must be an engineer," said the balloonist.

"I am," replied the woman. "How did you know?"

"Well," answered the balloonist, "everything you told me is technically correct, but I have no idea what to make of you, and the fact is I am still lost. Frankly, you've not been much help so far."

The woman below responded, "You must be in management."

"I am," replied the balloonist, "but how did you know?"

"Well," said the woman, "you don't know where you are or where you are going. You have risen to where you are, due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise which you have no idea how to keep, and you expect people beneath you to solve your problems. The fact is you are in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but now, somehow, it's my fault!"

Kevin Hart: No Longer Safe

Ever argue with a female and, in the middle of the argument, you no longer feel safe because of her actions? She may start pacing back and forth real fast, breathing out her nose. You know what my girl do? When she get mad, she start talking in the third person. Thats scary as hell because thats her way of telling me that from this point on, she is not responsible for none of her actions.

Answering Machine Message 24

Computer generated voices:
1: Hello, there are no real people here to answer the phone right now.
2: Yeah, nobody but us machines!
1: Right, just us machines, but don't hang up! If you like, you can leave your name and telephone number...
2: ...and a message! You forgot about the message!
1: Right. Leave your name, telephone number, and a brief message after you hear the beep, and we will keep track of this stuff until the real people get back.
2: ...unless of course, sombody pulls out our plug!

@DSGermain - They say behind every strong man ...

They say behind every strong man, there’s a strong woman.
Well, behind every fuckup, there’s a best friend saying, “Go for it,...

@DSGermain

http://on.cc.com/1AHspdw

Monday Lisa

Monday Lisa

Yes, Theo

"Yes, Theo, what is it?" asked the teacher.

"I don’t wan to alarm you, Miss Davis, but my dad said if I don't get better grades, someone was going to be in big trouble."

The Doctor said...

The Doctor said: "The good news is I can cure your headaches...The bad news is that it will require castration. You have a very rare condition which causes your testicles to press up against the base of your spine and the pressure creates one hell of a headache. The only way to relieve the pressure is to remove the testicles."

Joe was shocked and depressed. He wondered if he had anything to live for. He couldn't concentrate long enough to answer, but decided he had no choice but to go under the knife. When he left the hospital, he was headache free for the first time in over 20 years, but he felt as if he was missing an important part of himself. As he walked down the street he realized he felt like a different person. He could make a new beginning and live a new life. He saw a men's clothing store and thought, "That's what I need, a new suit."

The elderly salesman eyed him quickly and said, "Let's see, you're a size 44 long."

Joe laughed and said, "That's right, how did you know?"

"Been in the business 60 years!"

Joe tried on the suit. It fit perfectly. As Joe admired himself in the mirror, the tailor asked, "How about a new shirt?" Joe thought for a moment and then said, "Sure."

"Let's see, 16 and a half neck, 34 sleeve."

Joe was surprised. "How did you know?"

"Been in the business 60 years." The shirt fit perfectly.

As Joe looked at himself in the mirror, the salesman said, "You could use new shoes."

Since Joe was on a roll, he said, "Sure."

The man eyed Joe's feet and said, "9-1/2E."

Joe was astonished. "That's right. How did you know?"

"Been in the business 60 years." Joe tried on the shoes and they also fit perfectly.

As Joe walked comfortably around the shop, the salesman asked, "How about new underwear?"

Joe thought for a second and said, "Why not."

The man stepped back, eyed Joe's waist and said, "Let's see, size 36."

Joe laughed. "Finally I've got you! I've worn size 32 since I was 18 years old."

The tailor shook his head. "You can't wear a size 32. Size 32 underwear would press your testicles against the base of your spine and give you one hell of a headache."

Dad, What is sex?

An 8-year-old girl asks her father, "Daddy, what is sex?" The father is somewhat surprised that she would ask such a question.

But, he reckons if she's old enough to ask the question, then surely she's old enough for a straight answer.

So, the father proceeds to tell his young daughter all about the "birds and the bees."
After a brief explanation, the little girl appears wide-eyed in disbelief. "By the way, dear, why do you ask?" the father asks.

The little girl replies, "Mommy told me to tell you that dinner would be ready in just a couple of secs."