Jokes of the day for Monday, 14 May 2018
Funny jokes, funny photo and funny video collected from the internet on Monday, 14 May 2018 |
I was on the Subway
I was on the subway, sitting on a newspaper, and a guy comes over and asks ‘Are you reading that?'
I didn’t know what to say. So I said yes. I stood up, turned the page, and sat down again.
At a local coffee bar, a young...
![At a local coffee bar, a young...](/jokes-archive/2018/05/14/At-a-local-coffee-bar-2C-a-young-.jpg.400.jpg)
"The man I marry must be a shining light amongst company. He must be musical. Tell jokes. Sing. Entertain. And stay home at night!"
An old granny overheard and spoke up, "Girl, if that's all you want, get a TV!"
In the vinyl analysi...
“In the vinyl analysis, plastic waste in the ocean poses a serious threat to marine life.”
God is Watching
![God is Watching](/jokes-archive/2018/05/14/God-is-Watching.jpg.400.jpg)
A woman calls her boss one mor...
![A woman calls her boss one mor...](/jokes-archive/2018/05/14/A-woman-calls-her-boss-one-mor-.jpg.400.jpg)
What's the matter?" he asks.
"I have a case of anal glaucoma," she says in a weak voice.
he says,"What the hell is anal glaucoma?"
she replies,"I can't see my ass coming into work today."
New savings account...
![New savings account...](/jokes-archive/2015/05/20/New-savings-account-.jpg.400.jpg)
Mother decided that 10-year-old Cathy should get something 'practical' for her birthday.
"Suppose we open a savings account for you?" mother suggested. Cathy was delighted.
"It's your account, Darling," mother said as they arrived at the bank, "so you fill out the application."
Cathy was doing fine until she came to the space for 'Name of your former bank.' After a slight hesitation, she put down, 'Piggy.'
God Takes a Vacation
"Hmmm," St. Peter reflected. "Well, how about Mercury?"
"No way!" God muttered. "It's way too hot for me there!"
"I've got it," St. Peter said, his face lighting up. "How about going down to Earth for your vacation?"
Chuckling, God remarked, "Are you kidding? Two thousand years ago I went there, had an affair with some nice Jewish girl, and they're STILL talking about it!"
As the plane was flying low ov...
As the plane was flying low over some hills near Athens, a lady asked the stewardess: "What's that stuff on those hills?""Just snow," replied the stewardess.
"That's what I thought," said the lady, "but this fellow in front of me said it was Greece."
How Fast Was I Going?
"When I saw you driving down the road, I guessed 55 at least."
"You're wrong, officer, it's only my hat that makes me look that old."
A blond and her blond boyfrien...
![A blond and her blond boyfrien...](/jokes-archive/2017/01/09/A-blond-and-her-blond-boyfrien-.jpg.400.jpg)
He yelled in response, "Wait until dark, and I will shine my flash light across the river. Get on the light beam and walk back."
She replied, "No, I'll get half way across the river, and you will turn the light off on me!"
Worries While Flying
![Worries While Flying](/jokes-archive/2014/11/21/Worries-While-Flying.jpg.400.jpg)
However, instead of 5 hours it would take 7 hours to get to New York. A little later, he announced that a second engine failed, and they still had two left, but it would take 10 hours to get to New York.
Somewhat later, the pilot again came on the intercom and announced that a third engine had died. Never fear, he announced, because the plane could fly on a single engine.
However, it would now take 18 hours to get to new York. At this point, one statistician turned to the other and said, "Gee, I hope we don't lose that last engine, or we'll be up here forever!"
Blonde Cop
![Blonde Cop](/jokes-archive/2015/07/30/Blonde-Cop.jpg.400.jpg)
A blonde, a brunette, and a redhead are walking by a mall.
A policeman starts running after them, so they start running too.
They come upon 3 sacks and jump into them.
The cop stops and kicks the 1st sack and the brunette says "Meow."
The cop says, "Oh, it's only a cat."
He kicks the 2nd sack and the redhead says "Woof."
The cop says, "Oh, it's only a dog."
Then he comes up to the third sack and kicks it.
The blonde says "Potatoes".
And the cop says "Oh, it's only a sack of potatoes!"
Do you know why the cop didn't catch her?
Because he was a blonde too!