Jokes of the day for Wednesday, 13 June 2018

Strange Problem

A young man, fresh out of college, went to see his doctor one day.
'Doc, there's something wrong with me.
Every time I stand in a baby's high chair and face southwest, and then touch my tongue to a piece of aluminum foil that's wrapped around an acorn, I get a strange tingle in my big toe.
Can you tell me what the problem is?'
'Sure,' the doctor said. 'You have way too much time on your hands.'

Why Men Are Happier Than Wo

Why Men Are Happier Than Women
Men seems to have gotten the better deal than women, perhaps that is why men are happier than women?
1. Your last name stays put.
2. The garage is all yours.
3. Wedding plans take care of themselves.
4. Chocolate is just another snack.
5. You can be President.
6. You can never be pregnant.
7. You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park.
8. You can wear NO shirt to a water park.
9. Car mechanics tell you the truth.
10. The world is your urinal.
11. You never have to drive to another gas station restroom because this one is just too icky.
12. You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt.
13. Same work, more pay.
14. Wrinkles add character.
15. Wedding dress $5000. Tux rental-$100.
16. People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them.
17. The occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected.
18. New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet.
19. One mood all the time.
20. Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.
21. You know stuff about tanks.
22. A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase.
23. You can open all your own jars.
24. You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.
25. If someone forgets to invite you, he or she can still be your friend.
26. Your underwear is $8.95 for a three-pack.
27. Three pairs of shoes are more than enough.
28. You almost never have strap problems in public.
29. You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes.
30. Everything on your face stays its original color.
31. The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades.
32. You only have to shave your face and neck.
33. You can play with toys all your life.
34. Your belly usually hides your big hips.
35. One wallet and one pair of shoes - one color for all seasons.
36. You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look.
37. You can "do" your nails with a pocket knife.
38. You have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache.
39. You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives on December 24 in 25 minutes.

“Sawbones is what hap

“Sawbones is what happened when the doctor looked at the X-ray.”

An English teacher reminds her...

An English teacher reminds her students of the written test in her class tomorrow:
"Now, I don't want anyone to miss this important finals exam! I will not tolerate any excuse whatsoever for your absence--unless of course you had to go to the hospital because of a serious injury, or someone died in your immediate family."
Just after she spoke, a wise ass in the back of the class exclaims: "Well, what if I were to tell you that I didn't show up for the test because I experienced complete and utter sexual exhaustion?"
The students in the class try to suppress their snickers and muffled laughter.
The teacher looks sympathetically towards the young man, smiles slyly and states: "Well, then...you'll have to write with your other hand".

Why English Is Tough

Twenty-one reasons why English is hard to learn.
1. The bandage was wound around the wound.
2. The farm was used to produce produce.
3. The dump was so full it had to refuse more refuse.
4. We must polish the Polish furniture.
5. He could lead if he would get the lead out.
6. The soldier decided to desert his dessert in the desert.
7. Since there was no time like the present, he thought it was time to present the present.
8. A bass was painted on the head of the bass drum.
9. When shot at, the dove dove into the bushes.
10. I did not object to the object.
11. The insurance was invalid for the invalid.
12. There was a row among the oarsmen on how to row.
13. They were too close to the door to close it.
14. The buck does funny things when does are present.
15. A seamstress and a sewer fell down into a sewer line.
16. To help with planting, the farmer taught his sow to sow.
17. The wind was too strong to wind the sail.
18. After a number of injections my jaw got number.
19. Upon seeing the tear in the painting I shed a tear.
20. I had to subject the subject to a series of tests.
21. How can I intimate this to my most intimate friend?

A Twist on 'Oy Vey!'

Q: Have you heard the new Jews for Jesus prayer? A: Oy vey, Maria!

Man on the ladies tee...

It was a sunny Saturday morning on the course, and I was beginning my pre-shot routine on #1, visualizing my upcoming shot, when a voice came over the clubhouse loudspeaker.

"Would the gentleman on the Ladies Tee back up to the Men's Tee, please!!"

I was still deep in my routine, seemingly impervious to the interruption. Again the announcement--"Would the MAN on the WOMEN'S Tee kindly back up to the Men's Tee."

I finally stopped, turned, looked through the clubhouse window directly at the person with the mike and shouted back, "Would the person in the clubhouse kindly shut up and let me play my second shot?!"

Our Dog Daisy!!

Our dog Daisy, sleeps about 20 hours a day.
Her food prepared for her. She can eat whenever she wants, 24/7/365. Her meals are provided at no cost to her .
She visits the Dr. once a year for her checkup, and again during the year if any medical needs arise.
For this she pays nothing and nothing is required of her. She lives in a nice neighborhood on Park Ave., in an Apartment that is much larger than she needs, and she is not required to do any upkeep.
If she makes a mess, someone else cleans it up.
She has her choice of luxurious places to sleep.
She receives these accommodations absolutely free.
She is living like a Queen, and has absolutely no expenses whatsoever.
All of her costs are picked up by others who go out and earn a living every day.
I was just thinking about all this, and suddenly it hit me like a brick in the head,
............Our dog Daisy is a Democrat!

Female hormones in beer

Yesterday, scientists in the United States revealed that beer contains small traces of female hormones.

To prove their theory, they fed one hundred men twelve pints of beer and observed that 100% of them started talking nonsense and couldn't drive.

Dane Cook: Time Travel

Know what I would like to do? Id travel back to when my mom and dad had sex to have me. And Id just run into the bedroom, right when theyre doing it, and just spank my dad on the ass: Im your son from the future!

A little head

A huge muscular man walks into a bar and orders a beer.

The bartender can't help but stare at the guy because in contrast to his large muscles, the man has a head that is the size of an orange.

The bartender hands the guy his beer and says, "You know, I'm not gay but I want to compliment you on your physique, it really is phenomenal! But I have a question, why is your head so small?"

The big guy nods slowly. He's obviously fielded this question many times. "One day," he begins, "I was hunting and got lost in the woods. I heard someone crying for help. I followed the cries and they led me to a frog that was sitting next to a stream."

"No shit?" says the bartender, thoroughly intrigued.

"Yeah, so I picked up the frog and it said, Kiss me. Kiss me and I will turn into a genie and grant you three wishes."

"Keep going!"

I looked around to make sure I was alone and gave the frog a kiss. POOF! The frog turned into a beautiful, voluptuous, naked woman.

She said, "You now have three wishes."

I looked down at my scrawny 115 pound body and said, "I want a body like Arnold Schwarzenneger."

She nodded, snapped her fingers, and POOF there I was, so huge that I ripped out of my clothes and was standing there naked!

She then asked, "What will be your second wish?"

"What next?" begged the bartender.

I looked hungrily at her beautiful body and replied, "I want to make sensuous love with you here by this stream." She nodded, laid down, and beckoned to me. We made love right there by that stream for hours!

Afterwards, as we lay there next to each other, sweating from our glorious lovemaking, she whispered into my ear, "You know, you do have one more wish. What will it be?"

I looked at her and replied, "How 'bout a little head?"

The new CEO...

Morris had just been hired as the new CEO of a large high tech corporation. The CEO who was stepping down met with him privately and presented him with three envelopes number 1, 2 and 3. "Open these if you run up against a problem you don't think you can solve," the departing CEO said.

Things went along pretty smoothly, but six months later, sales took a downturn and Morris was really catching a lot of heat. About at his wit's end, he remembered the envelopes. He went to his drawer and took out the first envelope. The message read, "Blame your predecessor." Morris called a press conference and tactfully laid the blame at the feet of the previous CEO. Satisfied with his comments, the press, and Wall Street, responded positively, sales began to pick up and the problem was soon behind him.

About a year later, the company was again experiencing a slight dip in sales, combined with serious product problems. Having learned from his previous experience, the CEO quickly opened the second envelope. The message read, "Reorganize." This he did, and the company quickly rebounded.

After several consecutive profitable quarters, the company once again fell on difficult times. Morris went to his office, closed the door and opened the third envelope. The message said, "Prepare three envelopes."

A blonde is overweight so her...

A blonde is overweight so her doctor puts her on a diet. "I want you to eat regularly for two days, then skip a day and repeat for two weeks and you'll lose at least five pounds." When the blonde returns, she's lost nearly 20 pounds. The doctor exclaims, "That's amazing! Did you follow my diet?" The blonde nods. "I thought I was going to drop dead every third day from all the skipping!"

Kevin Hart: When You Lost a Fight to Your Woman

One time, she got me so mad, we got into a fist fight. You know how you know when you lost a fight to your woman? When the cops come to your house and ask you do you want to press charges. Thats how you know it didnt go as you planned.

Golfing with ...

Three gentlemen are golfing one sunny day. They come to a difficult par with a water trap just after the tee. The first golfer proceeds to hit his ball right into the water. To retrieve it, he simply approaches the body of water and extends his golf club. The water parts, he takes his next shot and it lands on the green. The second golfer hits his ball towards the water, but rather than sink, the ball floats on top of the water. The golfer nonchalantly walks across the water and hits the ball onto the green.

The third golfer hits his the ball directly into the water, where it quickly starts to sink. As the ball sinks, a fish grabs the ball in its mouth. At that very moment, a hawk plucks the fish out of the water and begins to carry it aloft. As the bird soars higher, a bolt of lightning startles the bird, which then drops the fish into a nearby tree. When the fish hits a branch of the tree, the ball pops out, rolls down the trunk of the tree, across the green and right into the hole...

Moses turns to Jesus and says "You know, I hate golfing with your Father."