Jokes of the day for Tuesday, 26 June 2018
| Funny jokes, funny photo and funny video collected from the internet on Tuesday, 26 June 2018 |
Innkeeper: The room is $15
Innkeeper: The room is $15 a night. It's $5 if you make your own bed.Guest: I'll make my own bed.
Innkeeper: Good. I'll get you some nails and wood.
“My math class starte
“My math class started working on 2D shapes, but I lost interest. It was just too plane.”
Better Than Botox?
Q. What's the name of a face lotion developed for Jewish women? A. Oil of Oy Vey- Joke shared by Beliefnet member BeliefnetSabeeEight-year-old Nina brought he
Eight-year-old Nina brought her report card home from school. Her marks were good, mostly A's and a couple of B's.However, her teacher had written across the bottom: "Nina is a smart little girl, but she has one fault. She talks too much in school. I have an idea I am going to try, which I think may break her of the habit."
Nina's dad signed her report card, putting a note on the back: "Please let me know if your idea works on Nina because I would like to try it out on her mother."
Is that a dog in the back seat?
It was the end of the day when I parked my police car in front of the station. As I gathered my equipment, my K-9 partner, Jake, was barking, and I saw a little boy staring in at me.
"Is that a dog you got in the back seat there?" he asked. "It sure is," I replied.
Puzzled, the boy looked at me and then towards the back of the car. Finally he said, "What'd he do?"
Miscellaneous Terms
Arbitrator \\ar'-bi-tray-ter\\: A cook that leaves Arby's to work at McDonald's.
Avoidable \\uh-voy'-duh-buhl\\: What a bullfighter tries to do.
Baloney \\buh-lo'-nee\\: Where some hemlines fall.
Bernadette \\burn'-a-det\\: The act of torching a mortgage.
Burglarize \\bur'-gler-ize\\: What a crook sees with.
Counterfeiters \\kown-ter-fit-ers\\: Workers who put together kitchen cabinets.
Eclipse \\e-klips'\\: What an English barber does for a living.
Eyedropper \\i'-drop-ur\\: A clumsy ophthalmologist.
Heroes \\hee'-rhos\\: What a guy in a boat does.
Left Bank \\left' bangk'\\: What the robber did when his bag was full of loot.
Misty \\mis'-tee\\: How golfers create divots.
Paradox \\par'-uh-doks\\: Two physicians.
Parasites \\par'-uh-sites\\: What you see from the top of the Eiffel Tower.
Pharmacist \\farm'-uh-sist\\: A helper on the farm.
Polarize \\po'-lur-ize\\: What penguins see with.
Hari Kondabolu: Arizona Anti-Immigration Laws
Its this anti-immigration legislation that theyre trying to push, where they would allow police officers to racially profile undocumented immigrants, especially people in the Mexican community. I think thats horrendous. But what amazes me is that people support this law. I was watching the news, this woman in Arizona, looking at a camera, straight faced, she says, Hey, were just trying to bring the country back to the way it used to be. The way it used to be? Lady, youre in Arizona. It used to be Mexico. Wayne
An blonde girl goes to the council to register for child benefit."How many children?" asks the council worker.
"10" replies the blonde girl.
"10???" says the council worker.. "What are their names?"
"Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne and Wayne"
"Doesn't that get confusing?"
"Naah..." says the blonde girl "its great because if they are out playing in the street I just have to shout WAAYNE, YER DINNER'S READY or WAAYNE GO TO BED NOW and they all do it..."
"What if you want to speak to one individually?" says the perturbed council worker.
"That's easy," says the girl... "I just use their surnames"
Submitted by Calamjo
Edited by Curtis
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Q: How many Manchester City fans does it take to change a lightbulb?A: None - they're quite happy living in the shadows.
Two men went bear hunting. Whi...
Two men went bear hunting. While one stayed in the cabin, the other went out looking for a bear.He soon found a huge bear, shot at it but only wounded it. The enraged bear charged toward him, he dropped his rifle and started running for the cabin as fast as he could.
He ran pretty fast but the bear was just a little faster and gained on him with every step.
Just as he reached the open cabin door, he tripped and fell flat.
Too close behind to stop, the bear tripped over him and went rolling into the cabin.
The man jumped up, closed the cabin door and yelled to his friend inside, "You skin this one while I go and get another!"
Bill Engvall: Creepy Old Man Status Achieved At 50
I love being fifty. Fifty is a very cool age. But it does come with some responsibilities. Like fifty-year-old guys cant go out with really young girls anymore. Up to fifty, you can. But once you hit fifty, you become that creepy old guy. And weve all done it. You see some old guy with some young girl, you dont sit there and go Aw, that is so sweet. This is what everybody in this room says: Money or drugs, thats all Im saying. Money or drugs. 
What Iran needs now
What Iran needs now is a more modern leader – a mullah lite.
Shappi Khorsandi (June 8 1973-)
Picture: JAY WILLIAMS FOR THE TELEGRAPH
The children were lined up in...
The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic elementary school for lunch. At the head of the table was a large pile of apples.. The nun made a note, and posted on the apple tray: 'Take only ONE . God is watching.' Moving further along the lunch line, at the other end of the table was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies.
A child had written a note, 'Take all you want. God is watching the apples'.
