Jokes of the day for Sunday, 07 October 2018
|Funny jokes, funny photo and funny video collected from the internet on Sunday, 07 October 2018
One day there were two boys plOne day there were two boys playing by a stream.
One boy went over to the bush to check out some noises. He pointed out a woman bathing naked in the steam. So, both boys decided to stay and watch her.
All of a sudden the second boy took off running. The first boy couldn't understand why he ran away, so he took off after his friend.
Finally he caught up to him and asked his friend why he had run away. The second boy said to his friend, "My mum told me if I ever saw a naked lady I would turn to stone, and I felt something getting hard, so I ran."
The Nuns Enter Heaven - DON'T USE FOR NLThree nuns died and visited St. Peter at the Pearly Gates. St. Peter said he would admit them if they each answered one question.He turned to the first nun and asked, "Who was the first man?""Adam," the nun confidently replied. The trumpets sounded and the angels sang as the gates swung open and she walked into heaven.St. Peter turned to the second nun. "Who was the first woman?" "Eve," she replied. The trumpets sounded and the angels sang.Then St. Peter turned to the last nun. "What was the first thing Eve said to Adam?"The nun paused for a moment. "Gee, that's a hard one!"The trumpets sounded and the angels sang.
Life is sexua
Life is sexually transmitted.
Good health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.
Men have two emotions: Hungry and Horny.If you see him without an erection, make him a sandwich.
Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day;teach a person to use the Internet, and they won't bother you for weeks.
Some people are like a Slinky ....Not really good for anything, but you still can't help but smile when you shove them down the stairs.
Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals, dying of nothing.
All of us could take a lesson from the weather.It pays no attention to criticism.
Why does a 'slight' tax increase cost you $200.00, and a 'substantial' tax cut saves you $30.00?
In the 60's, people took acid to make the world weird.Now the world is weird, and people take Prozac to make it normal.
And The Number 1 Thought
"Life is like a jar of Jalapeno peppers:
What you do today, might burn your ass tomorrow!
“The neurologist want
“The neurologist wanted to propose to his girl friend, but he just didn't have the nerve.”
Discussing The Tax RatesA visitor from Holland was chatting with his American friend and was jokingly explaining about the red, white and blue in the Netherlands flag.
"Our flag symbolizes our taxes," he said. "We get red when we talk about them, white when we get our tax bill, and blue after we pay them."
"That's the same with us," the American said, "only we see stars, too."
The new baby
A young mother finds out she is pregnant again, and she tells the good news to anyone who will listen. One day when the woman and the boy are out shopping, a friend of the mother asks the little boy if he was excited about the new baby.
"Oh, yes!" the little tyke says. And having overheard some of his parents' private conversations, he adds, "And I know what we are going to name it, too. If it's a girl we're going to call it Mary, and if it's another boy we're going to call it Quits."
Dirty PaddyAn Irish wife was having a shower and slipped over on the bathroom floor. Instead of slipping over forwards, she slipped over and did the splits and suctioned herself to the floor.
She yelled out for her husband. 'Paddy! Paddy!' she yelled.
Paddy came running in. 'Paddy I've suctioned myself to the floor,' she said.
'Ohhh nooo! Paddy said and tried to pull her up. 'You're just too heavy, love. I'll go across the road and get Shamus.'
Paddy comes back with Shamus and they both tried to pull her up.
'Nope, I can't do it,' Shamus said, 'Let's try plan C.'
'Plan C?' exclaimed Paddy. 'What's that?'
'I'll go home and get my hammer and chisel and we will break the tiles under her.'
'Oh okay,' Paddy said. 'While you're doing that I'll stay here and play with her tits.'
'Play with her tits?' Shamus said. 'Why would you do that? This is hardly the time.'
Paddy replied, 'Well, I figure if I can get her wet enough, we can slide her into the kitchen where the tiles aren't so expensive to replace.'
Pete Holmes: Uncool in DreamsI cant seal the deal in my dreams. I hit on women in real life and theyre like, In your dreams. Im like, No. Not even there.
Carl was talking to a girl inCarl was talking to a girl in a New York City bar. He asked, "Can I get you a drink?"
The girl replied, "Certainly."
Carl then asked, "What would you like?"
The girl said, "Champagne."
Carl then asked, "Why Champagne?"
The girl replied, "Because when I drink champagne I imagine I am a goddess on the Nile, draped in a long robe, relaxing peacefully, with servants fanning me and dropping peeled grapes into my mouth."
Curious, Carl asked her, "What if I just buy you a draft beer?"
The girl replied, "I'll cut wet farts all night."
A climber fell off a cliff, and as he tumbled down, he caught hold of a small branch wedged in the rock.
"HELP! IS THERE ANYBODY UP THERE?" he shouted.
A majestic voice boomed through the gorge:
"I will help you, my son, but first you must have faith in me."
"Yes, yes, I trust you!" cried the man.
"Let go of the branch," boomed the voice.
There was a long pause, and the man shouted up again, "IS THERE ANYONE ELSE UP THERE I COULD TALK TO?"
A guy walking along the beach finds a bottle and picks it up.
A genie pops out and says, "Thanks for letting me out. For your kindness I will grant you one wish."
The guys says, "I've always wanted to go to Hawaii, but I can't because I'm afraid to fly and ships make me deathly sick. My wish is for you to build a road from here to Hawaii."
The genie says, "I'm sorry, but I don't think I can do that. Just think of all the work involved. Think of the huge pilings we'd need to hold up that highway and how deep they would have to be to reach the bottom of the ocean. And think of all the cement that would be needed. Plus, since it's such a long span, there would have to be gas stations and rest stops along the way. No, that's just too much to ask. Impossible."
The guy says, "Well, there is one thing I've always wanted to know. I'd like to be able to understand women...what makes them laugh and cry...you know, what makes them tick."
The genie thinks a second, then asks, "You want two lanes or four?'
Microsoft SupportA helicopter was flying around above Seattle yesterday when an electrical malfunction disabled all of the aircraft's electronic navigation and communication equipment. Due to the clouds and haze the pilot could not determine his position or course to steer to the airport. The pilot saw a tall building, flew toward it, circled, drew a handwritten sign and held it in the helicopter's window. T he sign said "WHERE AM I?"
in large letters.
People in the tall building quickly responded to the aircraft, drew a large sign and held it in a building window. Their sign said, "YOU ARE IN A HELICOPTER.'
The pilot smiled, waved, looked at his map and determined the course to steer to SEATAC (Seattle/Tacoma) airport and landed safely.
After they were on the ground, the co-pilot asked the pilot how the "YOU ARE IN A HELICOPTER" sign helped determine their position.
The pilot responded, "I knew that had to be the MICROSOFT building because they gave me a technically correct but completely useless reply.
Everyone on a passenger ship c...Everyone on a passenger ship could see a bearded man on a small island, shouting and desperately waving his hands.
"Who is that man?" a passenger asked the ship's captain. "Why is he so upset?"
"I have no idea," the Captain replied, "but, every year when we pass by here, he goes crazy."
A young man asked an old rich man how he made his money.
The old guy fingered his expensive wool vest and said, "Well, son, it was 1932. The depth of the Great Depression. I was down to my last nickel."
"I invested that nickel in an apple. I spent the entire day polishing the apple and, at the end of the day, I sold the apple for ten cents."
"The next morning, I invested those ten cents in two apples. I spent the entire day polishing them and sold them at 5:00 pm for 20 cents. I continued this system for a month, by the end of which I'd accumulated a fortune of $9.80."
"Then my wife's father died and left us two million dollars."