Jokes of the day for Thursday, 15 November 2018

“I just can't see wh

“I just can't see why you say I'm myopic.”

One winter morning, an employe

One winter morning, an employee explained why he had shown up for work 50 minutes late: "It was so slippery out that for every step I took ahead, I slipped back two."
The boss eyed him suspiciously, "Oh, yeah? Then how did you ever get here?"
"I finally gave up," he said, "and started for home."

 Knock Knock Collection 128

Knock Knock
Who's there?
Meredith!
Meredith who?
Meredith kind of Knock Knock
jokes and I'm leaving!
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Mickey!
Mickey who?
Mickey is lost so that's why I'm knocking!
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Midas!
Midas who?
Midas well open the door!
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Mikey!
Mikey who?
Mikey won't fit in this lock!
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Minerva!
Minerva who?
Minerva-s wreck from all these questions!

A Very Special Cow

Q. Have you heard of the dyslexic cow who attained enlightenment?A. It kept on repeating OOOOMMM!

A blonde, a brunette, and a re

A blonde, a brunette, and a redhead show up for the same job interview. The brunette is the first one to go in, and after filling out the forms and going through the questions, the interviewer decides to ask her last question:
"How many D's are there in "INDIANA JONES""? The brunette thinks for a second and responds "One".
The interviewer sends her back with a promise that he'll get back to her after he had interviewed the remaining candidates.
The redhead is next. The process goes about the same, and at the end: "How many D's are there in INDIANA JONES"? She immediately says "One". The interviewer says, "OK, we'll let you know".
Then the blonde comes into the room, goes through the questions, and finally gets asked: "How many D's are there in INDIANA JONES". She gets a very serious look on her face and starts counting her fingers, muttering: "2, 4, 6 ...., hmmm - wait,... 2, 4, 6 .... can I borrow your calculator please?"
After going through 15 minutes of intense calculating, she finally comes up with the answer: "Thirty two"
The interviewer is stunned and asks her: "Ok, now tell me, how the hell did you arrive at this answer?"
She starts singing "Da Da Dah Dahhh Dah Dah Da Da Dah Dahh Dah Dah ..."
(The theme song for Indiana Jones)

Well isn't that nice...

Two delicate blossoms of Southern femininity, one from Mississippi and the other from Texas, were conversing on the porch swing of a large white-pillared mansion. The Mississippian said, "When my first child was born, my husband built this beautiful mansion for me." The Texan lady commented, "Well, isn't that nice?"

The lady from Mississippi continued, "When my second child was born, my husband bought me that fine Cadillac automobile you see parked in the drive."

Again, the Texas lady commented, "Well, isn't that nice?"

The first woman boasted, "Then, when my third child was born, my husband bought me this exquisite diamond bracelet."

Yet again, the Texas lady commented, "Well, isn't that nice?"

The first woman then asked her companion, "What did you husband buy for you when you had your first child?"

The Texas lady replied, "My husband sent me to charm school."

"Charm school!" the first woman cried. "Land sakes, child, what on Earth for?"

The Texas lady responded, "So that instead of saying, 'who gives a crap,' I learned to say, 'Well, isn't that nice?'"

A guy goes to the supermarket...

A guy goes to the supermarket and notices an attractive woman waving at him.
She says hello. He's rather taken a back because he can't place where he knows her. So he says, "Do you know me?"
To which she replies, "I think you're the father of one of my kids."
Now his mind travels back to the only time he has ever been unfaithful to his wife, and he says, "Oh, are you the stripper from my bachelor party that I did on the pool table with all my buddies watching while your partner whipped me with wet celery?"
The woman looks sternly into his eyes and says very calmly, "No, I'm your son's teacher."

A burglar broke into a house o...

A burglar broke into a house one night. He shone his flashlight around looking for valuables, and when he picked up a CD player to place in his sack, a strange, disembodied voice echoed from the dark saying, "Jesus is watching you."
He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight off and froze. When he heard nothing more after a bit, he shook his head, promised himself a vacation after the next big score, then clicked the light back on and began searching more valuables. Just as he pulled the stereo out so he could disconnect the wires, clear as a bell he heard, "Jesus is watching you."
Totally rattled, he shone his light around frantically, looking for the source of the voice. Finally, in the corner of the room, his flashlight beam came to rest on a parrot. "Did you say that?" He hissed at the parrot.
"Yes," the parrot confessed, then squawked, "I'm just trying to warn you."
The burglar relaxed. "Warn me, huh? Who do you think you are any way?"
"Moses," replied the bird.
"Moses," the burglar laughed. "What kind of stupid people would name a parrot 'Moses'?"
The bird promptly answered: "The same kind of people that would name a Rottweiler 'Jesus'!"

Nuns at the Hospital

A man suffered a serious heart attack and had bypass surgery. He awakened to find himself in the care of nuns at a Catholic hospital.

As he was recovering, a nun asked how he was going to pay the bill. He replied, in a raspy voice, "No health insurance."

The nun asked if he had money in the bank. He replied, "No money in the bank."

The nun asked, "Do you have a relative who could help you?"
He said, "Just a spinster sister, who is a nun."

The nun, slightly perturbed, said, "Nuns are not spinsters! Nuns are married to God."

The patient replied, "Then send the bill to my brother-in-law."

When Bruce Banner gets mad, he...

When Bruce Banner gets mad, he turns into the Hulk. When the Hulk gets mad, he turns into Chuck Norris.

Angelic Assistance?

An old-time pastor was riding furiously down the road, hurrying to get to church on time. Suddenly, his horse stumbled and threw him to the ground.
Lying in the dirt, his body wracked with pain, the pastor called out, "All you angels in heaven, help me get up on my horse!"
With extraordinary strength, he leaped onto the horse's back and fell off the other side.
From the ground again, he called out, "All right, just half of you angels this time!"

How many people yelled into this door?

How many people yelled into this door? (April Fools' Day pranks)

Two women were sitting on the...

Two women were sitting on the front porch of the farm house when they saw a rooster chasing a hen. The hen ran straight into the road and was killed by a passing car.
One of the women sighed, "How beautiful. She'd rather die."

One night, as a couple lay ...

One night, as a couple lay down for bed, the husband gently tapped his wife on the shoulder and started rubbing her arm. His wife turned over and said, "I'm sorry honey, I've got a gynecologist appointment tomorrow and I want to stay fresh." Her husband, rejected, turned over and tried to sleep. A few minutes later, he rolled back over and tapped his wife again. This time he whispered in her ear, "Do you have a dentist appointment tomorrow too?"

Like an olympic sprinter

Three women were sitting around talking about their sex lives.

The first said, “I think my husband’s like a championship golfer. He’s spent the last ten years perfecting his stroke.”

The second woman said, “My husband’s like the winner of the Indy 500. Every time we get into bed he gives me several hundred exciting laps.”

The third woman was silent until she was asked, “Tell us about your husband.”

She thought for a moment and said, “My husband’s like an Olympic sprinter.”

“He’s got his time down to under 11 seconds.”