Jokes of the day for Friday, 30 November 2018
| Funny jokes, funny photo and funny video collected from the internet on Friday, 30 November 2018 |
Twas The Night Before Crisis
Twas the night before crisis,
And all through the house,
Not a program was working,
Not even a browse.
Programmers were wrung out,
Too mindless to care,
Knowing chances of cutover
Hadn't a prayer.
The users were nestled
All snug in their beds,
While visions of inquiries
Danced in their heads.
When out in the lobby
There arose such a clatter,
That I sprang from my tube
To see what was the matter.
And what to my wondering
Eyes should appear,
But a Super Programmer,
Oblivious to fear.
More rapid than eagles,
His programs they came
And he whistled and shouted
And called them by name.
On Update! On Add!
On Inquiry! On Delete!
On Batch Jobs! On Closing!
On Functions Complete!
His eyes were glazed over,
His fingers were lean,
From weekends and nights
Spent in front of a screen.
A wink of his eye,
And a twist of his head,
Soon gave me to know
I had nothing to dread.
He spoke not a word,
But went straight to his work,
Turning specs into code,
Then he turned with a jerk.
And laying his fingers
Upon the ENTER key,
The system came up,
And worked perfectly!
The updates updated;
The deletes they deleted;
The inquiries inquired;
And the closing completed.
He tested each whistle,
He tested each bell,
With nary an abend,
And all had gone well.
The system was finished,
The tests were concluded,
The client's last changes
Were even included!
And the client exclaimed,
With a snarl and a taunt,
"It's just what I asked for,
But it's not what I want!"
Good Question!
And Moses looked upon the Lord and said:"We are your chosen people and you want us to cut the tips off of our WHAT?"A Cowboy sitting in a saloon o
A Cowboy sitting in a saloon one Saturday night, he recognized an elderly man standing at the bar who, in his day, had the reputation of being the fastest gun in the West.The young cowboy took a place next to the old-timer, bought him a drink and told him the story of his great ambition. ‘Do you think you could give me some tips?’ he asked.The old man looked him up and down and said, ‘Well, for one thing, you’re wearing your gun too high. Tie the holster a little lower down on your leg.’‘
Will that make me a better gunfighter?’ asked the young man.
‘Sure will,’ replied the old-timer.
The young man did as he was told, stood up, whipped out his 44 and shot the bow tie off the piano player. ‘That’s terrific!’ said the hot shot.. ‘Got any more tips for me?’
‘Yep,’ said the old man. ‘Cut a notch out of your holster where the hammer hits it. That’ll give you a smoother draw’
‘Will that make me a better gunfighter?’ asked the young man.
‘You bet it will, ‘ said the old-timer.The young man took out his knife, cut the notch, stood up, drew his gun in a blur, and then shot a cufflink off the piano player. ‘Wow!’ exclaimed the cowboy ‘I’m learnin’ somethin’ here. Got any more tips?’
The old man pointed to a large can in a corner. ‘See that axle grease over there? Coat your gun with it.’The young man went over to the can and smeared some of the grease on the barrel of his gun.‘No,’ said the old-timer, ‘I mean smear it all over the gun, handle and all.
’‘Will that make me a better gunfighter?’ asked the young man.
‘No,’ said the old-timer, ‘but when Wyatt Earp gets done playing the piano, he’s gonna shove that gun up your ass, and it won’t hurt near as much.
The frog story
....I took the day off work and decided to go out golfing. I was on the second hole when I noticed a frog sitting next to the green. I thought nothing of it and was about to shoot when I heard, "Ribbit 9 Iron." I looked around and did not see anyone.
Again, I hear, "Ribbit 9 Iron." I looked at the frog and decided to prove the frog wrong, put my club away, and grabed a 9 iron. Boom! I hit it 10 inches from the cup! I was shocked and said to the frog, "Wow that's amazing. You must be a lucky frog, eh?" The frog replied, "Ribbit Lucky frog." I decided to take the frog with me to the next hole. "What do you think frog?," I asked "Ribbit 3 wood." I took out a 3 wood and, Boom! Hole in one! I was befuddled and did not know what to say!
By the end of the day, the I had golfed the best game of my like and asked the frog, "OK where to next?" The frog replied, "Ribbit Las Vegas." We went to Las Vegas and I said, "OK frog, now what?" The frog said, "Ribbit Roulette." Upon approaching the roulette table, I asked the frog "What do you think I should bet?" The frog replied, "Ribbit $3000, black 6."
Now, this is a million-to-one shot to win, but after the golf game, I figure what the heck...Boom! Tons of cash comes sliding back across the table. I took my winnings and got the best room in the hotel.
I sat the frog down and said, "Frog, I don't know how to repay you. You've won me all this money and I am forever grateful."
The frog replied, "Ribbit Kiss Me." I figure why not, since the frog had done so much for me, he deserves it. With a kiss, that frog turned into a gorgeous 18 year old woman.
"And that, your honor, is how the woman ended up in my room, so help me God or my name is not William Jefferson Clinton."
A man was walking down the bea...
A man was walking down the beach when he noticed a cave. He walked in and looked around only to discover a magic lamp buried in the sand. He rubbed it and a genie came out and said, " You may have 3 wishes but whatever u wish for all the lawyers in the world will get double." The man agreed and said, " i want a million dollers." He got that and the lawyers got 2 million.
Next he said, " i want a ferrari." So he got one and all the lawyers got 2. Next, being his last wish, he took a minute and thought about it carefully.
Finnally he said," Well i've allways wanted to give a kidney."
The grass is always greener on...
The grass is always greener on the other side, unless Chuck Norris has been there. In that case the grass is most likely soaked in blood and tears.Hypothetically Speaking
A little boy goes up to his father and asks: "Dad, what's the difference between hypothetical and reality?" The father replies: "Well son, I could give you the book definitions, but I feel it could be best to show you by example. Go upstairs and ask your mother if she'd have sex with the mailman for $500,000."
The boy goes and asks his mother: "Mom, would you have sex with the mailman for $500,000?" The mother replies: "Hell yes I would!"
The little boy returns to his father: "Dad, she said 'Hell yes I would!'"
The father then says: "Okay, now go and ask your older sister if she'd have sex with her principal for $500,000."
The boy asks his sister: "Would you have sex with your principal for $500,000?" The sister replies: "Hell yes I would!"
He returns to his father: "Dad, she said 'Hell yes I would!'"
The father answers: "Okay son, here's the deal: Hypothetically, we're millionaires, but in reality, we're just living with a couple of whores."
Old Josh was sat in his garden...
Old Josh was sat in his garden, sunbathing in the deck chair when he noticed his grand-son kneeling on the lawn with a worm. When he asked his grandson what he was doing, he found that he was trying to push the worm down the hole from which it came."If you can get that worm back in that hole I'll give you ten dollars," said Josh.
His grandson sat and thought for a moment, then rushed into the house. A few minutes later he returned with his mother's hair spray. He picked up the worm by one end and, as he let it hang down, he sprayed it all over with the hair spray. The spray set and the worm became stiff and hard. It was now easy to push the worm back in the hole. Josh was amazed. He gave the boy ten dollars, picked up the hair spray and went indoors.
About an hour later Josh came back into the garden and gave his grand-son another ten dollars.
"But grandpa," said the boy, "you've already given me the ten dollars you promised."
"That's from your grandma," said Josh.
You gotta have faith
A couple of nuns who were nursing sisters had gone out to the country to minister to an outpatient. On the way back they were a few miles from home when they ran out of gas. They were standing beside their car on the shoulder when a truck approached.
Seeing ladies of the cloth in distress, the driver stopped to offer his help. The nuns explained they needed some gas. The driver of the truck said he would gladly drain some from his tank but he didnt have a bucket or can.
One of the nuns dug out a clean bedpan and asked the driver if he could use it. He said yes and proceeded to drain a couple of quarts of gas into the pan. He waved goodbye to the nuns and left.The nuns were carefully pouring the precious fluid into their gas tank when the highway patrol came by.
The trooper stopped and watched for a minute, then he said: "Sisters, I dont think it will work, but you sure have faith!"
Imagination
Several weeks after a young man had been hired, he was called into the personnel manager's office.
“What is the meaning of this?” the manager asked. “When you applied for the job, you told us you had 5 years' experience. Now we discover this is the first job you've ever had.”
“Well,” the young man said, “in your ad you said you wanted somebody with imagination.”
Praying and Sleeping
Two men arrive at the Pearly Gates at about the same time, both wanting to know if they will be admitted to heaven. St. Peter asks the first man his name, where he is from, and what he did in life.
The man answers that he is John Smith and that he was a taxi driver in New York City.
St. Peter looks through his book, then gives the man a luxurious silken robe and a golden staff, and bids him welcome into heaven for his eternal reward.
St. Peter then asks the second man the same questions. He replies that his name is Thomas O’Malley, and that he was a Catholic priest in Chicago. St. Peter looks in his book, then gives him a cotton robe and a wooden staff, and bids him to enter into heaven for his eternal reward.
Father O’Malley says, Wait a minute! Why did that taxi driver get a silken robe and golden staff while I, a Catholic Priest and a man of God, got a cotton robe and wooden staff?
St. Peter told him that the rewards in heaven are based on results, and while Father O’Malley preached, people slept, but while John Smith drove, people prayed!
