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Jokes of the day for Wednesday, 26 December 2018

Funny jokes, funny photo and funny video collected from the internet on Wednesday, 26 December 2018

 Monthly Overall Work Evaluation

Name: _____________________
Date: _______________
___________________
KNOWLEDGE:
__ Really knows what he's doing.
__ Knows just enough to be dangerous.
__ Only half a brain and is dangerous.
__ His coffee cup has a higher I.Q.
___________________
ACCURACY:
__ Does excellent work is not preoccupied.
__ Pretty good accuracy with large numbers.
__ Must take off shoes to count above ten.
__ What's a number?
___________________
ATTITUDE:
__ Extremely co-operative.
__ Brown noser in good standing.
__ Often annoys co-workers and fights.
__ Doesn't care, never did, never will.
___________________
RELIABILE:
__ Works so hard he gets extra days off.
__ Very dependable.
__ Rely on his being first one out the door.
__ Absolutely totally worthless.
___________________
APPEARANCE:
__ Extremely neat and clean.
__ Looks great on his day off.
__ Flies take him over fresh manure.
__ Dirt, filthy, smelly, and ugly.
___________________
PERFORMANCE:
__ Works hard if money is involved.
__ Does great work--at evaluation time.
__ Works well after ten cups of coffee.
__ Couldn't do less if he were in a coma.
___________________
LEADERSHIP:
__ Carries chainsaw and gets good results.
__ Macho attitude. Commands total disgust.
__ One time some listened to him whine.
__ Unable to lead even the most ignorant.
___________________
I understand that I have been counseled and understand
my rights under the privacy act of 1974. I further
acknowledge that I am as stupid as a football bat,
and I will make some attempt to correct my deficiencies.
_______________________________________
Employee signature

#joke
Joke | Source: Joke of the Day - Jokes served hot and fresh daily.
  • Currently 2.00/10

Rating: 2.0/10 (4)

“I know I need to bui

“I know I need to build up my fitness with exercise and good health, but at the same time my body is telling me, no whey.”

#joke #short
  • Currently 4.67/10

Rating: 4.7/10 (6)

SLIDESHOW #14 - Funny Photo Slideshow

Two Kinds of People

There are two kinds of people. Those who wake up in the morning and say, "Good morning, Lord," and those who wake up in the morning and say, "Good Lord, it's morning."
#joke #short
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Wednesday, 18 April 2018
  • Currently 5.44/10

Rating: 5.4/10 (9)

Waiter: I have stewed liver, b

Waiter: I have stewed liver, boiled tongue and frog's leg.
Customer: Don't tell me your problems. Give me the menu.
#joke #short
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Monday, 17 July 2017
  • Currently 8.44/10

Rating: 8.4/10 (9)

I will seek and find You...

I will seek and find You . . I shall take you to bed and have my way with you.
I will make you ache, shake & sweat until you moan & groan.
I will make you beg for mercy, beg for me to stop.
I will exhaust you to the point that you will be relieved when I'mfinished with you.
And, when I am finished, you will be weak for days.
All my love,
The Flu
Now, get your mind out of the gutter and Go get your flu shot!
#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Monday, 24 October 2016
  • Currently 6.80/10

Rating: 6.8/10 (10)

What did the doctor say?

A woman accompanied her husband to the doctor's office. After his checkup, the doctor called the wife into his office alone.

He said, "Your husband is suffering from a very severe disease, combined with horrible stress. If you don't do the following, your husband will surely die."

"Each morning, fix him a healthy breakfast. Be pleasant, and make sure he is in a good mood. For lunch make him a nutritious meal. For dinner prepare an especially nice meal for him. Don't burden him with chores, as he probably had a hard day. Don't discuss your problems with him, it will only make his stress worse. And most importantly, make love with your husband several times a week and satisfy his every whim." If you can do this for the next 10 months to a year, I think your husband will regain his health completely.

On the way home, the husband asked his wife.

"What did the doctor say?"

"You're going to die," she replied.

#joke #doctor
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Friday, 01 January 2016
  • Currently 7.70/10

Rating: 7.7/10 (10)

A young blonde was on vacation...

A young blonde was on vacation in the depths of Louisiana. She wanted a pair of genuine alligator shoes in the worst way, but was very reluctant to pay the high prices the local vendors were asking.
After becoming very frustrated with the "no haggle" attitude of one of the shopkeepers, the blonde shouted, "Maybe I'll just go out and catch my own alligator so I can get a pair of shoes at a reasonable price!" The shopkeeper said, "By all means, be my guest. Maybe you'll luck out and catch yourself a big one!"
Determined, the blonde turned and headed for the swamps, set on catching herself an alligator.
Later in the day, the shopkeeper is driving home, when he spots the young woman standing waist deep in the water, shotgun in hand. Just then, he sees a huge 9 foot alligator swimming quickly toward her.
She takes aim, kills the creature and with a great deal of effort hauls it on to the swamp bank. Laying nearby were several more of the dead creatures. The shopkeeper watches in amazement. Just then the blonde flips the alligator on it's back, and frustrated, shouts out, "Damn it, this one isn't wearing any shoes either!"
#joke #blonde
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Saturday, 26 December 2009
  • Currently 6.82/10

Rating: 6.8/10 (72)

Sexy Poem

sex is when a guys communication,

enters a girls information

to increse the population

for a younger genertion

do you get the information

or do you need a demonstaration

#joke #short
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Saturday, 26 December 2009
  • Currently 4.14/10

Rating: 4.1/10 (35)

Blonde and Pizza

A blonde ordered a pizza and the clerk asked if he should cut it in six or twelve pieces. She responded, ''Six, please. I could never eat twelve pieces.''

#joke #short #blonde
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Sunday, 26 December 2010
  • Currently 5.77/10

Rating: 5.8/10 (30)

Jimmy and Johnny

Two guys, Jimmy and Johnny, were standing at heaven's gate, waiting to be interviewed by St. Peter.

Jimmy: "How did you get here?"

Johnny: "Hypothermia. You?"

Jimmy: "You won't believe it. I was sure my wife was cheating on me, so I came home early one day hoping to find the guy. I accused my wife of unfaithfulness and searched the whole house without any luck. Then I felt so badly about the whole thing I had a massive heart attack."

Johnny: "Oh, man, if you had checked the walk-in freezer we'd both be alive!"

#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Saturday, 26 December 2015
  • Currently 8.92/10

Rating: 8.9/10 (13)

Mixed Messages Watch the Spell Check or Auto Check

Hi, Fred, this is Alan next door.
I have a confession to make. I have been riddled with guilt these past few months and have been trying to get up the courage to tell you face-to-face, but I am at least telling you in a text as I cannot live with myself a moment longer without you knowing. The truth is I have been sharing your wife, day and night when you’re not around. In fact, probably more than you. I haven’t been getting it at home recently, but I know that’s no excuse. The temptation was just too great. I can no longer live with the guilt and hope that you will accept my sincerest apology and forgive me. It won’t happen again. Please suggest a fee for usage and I’ll pay you.
Regards, Alan.

NEIGHBOR’S RESPONSE*
Fred, feeling so angered and betrayed, then grabbed his gun and shot his neighbour Alan dead. He returned home, poured himself a stiff drink, and sat down on the sofa. Fred took out his phone where he saw a second message from Alan.

SECOND MESSAGE*
Hi, Fred, this is Alan next door, again.
Sorry about the typo on my last text. I expect that you figured it out and noticed that darned Auto-Correct changed “wi-fi” to “wife.” That’s today’s technology for you, hey?
Regards, Alan

#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Tuesday, 26 December 2017
  • Currently 8.23/10

Rating: 8.2/10 (13)

A man and a woman had been mar...

A man and a woman had been married some time when the woman began to question her husband. "I know you've been with a lot of woman before. How many were there?"
The husband replied, "Look, I don't want to upset you, there were many. Let's just leave it alone."
The wife continued to beg and plead.
Finally, the husband gave in. "Let's see." he said "There was one, two, three, four, five, six, you, eight, nine..."
#joke
Joke | Source: Smilezilla - Daily Jokes and Funny Stories
  • Currently 8.73/10

Rating: 8.7/10 (11)

A turkey was chatting with a b...

A turkey was chatting with a bull. "I would love to be Able to get to the top of that tree," sighed the turkey, but I haven't got the energy."
"Well, why don't you nibble on my droppings?" replied the bull. "They're packed with nutrients."
The turkey pecked at a lump of dung and found that it gave him enough strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree. The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch. Finally after a fourth night, there he was proudly perched at the top of the tree. Soon he was spotted by a farmer, who shot the turkey out of the tree.
Moral of the story: Bullsh*t might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there.
#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Sunday, 02 August 2015
  • Currently 5.45/10

Rating: 5.5/10 (11)

Things to do in an elevator

1) When there's only one other person in the elvator, tap them on the shoulder and then pretend it wasn't you.

2) Push the buttons and pretend they give you a shock. Smile, and go back for more.

3) Ask if you can push the button for other people, but push the wrong ones.

4) Call the Psychic Hotline from your cell phone and ask if they know what floor your on.

5) Hold the doors open and say your saiting for a friend. After a while, let the doors close, and say, 'Hi Greg. How's your day been?'

6) Drop a pen and wait until someone goes to pick it up, then scream, 'That's mine!'

7) Bring a camera and take pictures of everyone in the elevator.

8) Move your desk into the elevator and whenever anyone gets on, ask if they have an apointment.

9) Lay down the twister mat and ask people if they would like to play.

10) Leave a box in the corner, and when someone gets on, ask them if they can hear ticking.

11) Pretend you are a flight attendant and review emergency procedures and exits with the passengers.

12) Ask, 'Did you feel that?'

13) Stand really close to someone, sniffing them occasionally.

14) When the doors close, announce to the others, 'It's okay, don't panic, they open again!'

15) Swat at flies that don't exist.

16) Tell people that you can see their aura.

17) Call out, 'Group Hug!' and then enforce it.

18) Grimace painfully while smacking your forehead and muttering, 'Shut up, all of you, just shut up!'

19) Crack open your briefcase or purse, and while peering inside, ask, 'Got enough air in there?'

20) Stand silently and motionless in the corner, facing the wall, without getting off.

21) Stare at another passenger for a while, then announce in horror, 'Your one of THEM!' and back away slowly.

22) Wear a puppet on your hand and use it to talk to the other passengers.

23) Listen to the elevator walls with your stethoscope.

24) Make explosion noises when anyone presses a button.

25) Stare, grinning at another passenger for a while, then announce, 'I have new underware on'.

26) Draw a little square on the floor with chalk and announce to the other passnegers, 'This is MY personal space!'

#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Saturday, 08 July 2017
  • Currently 6.88/10

Rating: 6.9/10 (16)

I was at my bank today waiting...

I was at my bank today waiting in a short line. There was just one lady in front of me, an Asian lady, who was trying to exchange yen for dollars. It was obvious she was a little irritated. She asked the teller, "Why it change? Yesterday, I get two hunat dolla of yen. Today I only get hunat eighty? Why it change?" The teller shrugged his shoulders and said, "Fluctuations." The Asian lady says, "Fluc you white people too!"
#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Saturday, 06 September 2014
  • Currently 8.00/10

Rating: 8.0/10 (5)

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