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Jokes of the day for Thursday, 10 January 2019

Funny jokes, funny photo and funny video collected from the internet on Thursday, 10 January 2019

“How would you charac

“How would you characterize a devious soviet pollinator spy? A KGB.”

#joke #short
Joke | Source: Jokes of the Day - Funny puns and jokes - the largest collection of humorous jokes on the internet. New pun added daily.
  • Currently 1.67/10

Rating: 1.7/10 (6)

Harold and Al were on a small...

Harold and Al were on a small chartered airplane when the pilot suddenly had a heart attack.
"Don't Panic," cried Harold heroically. "I'll land this baby!"
Seizing the controls he headed for the runway at LaGuardia Airport, and began wrestling the diving plane to the ground. Just as the wheels touched the ground, Al screamed, "Red lights!! Right in front of you!"
Immediately Harold threw the engine in reverse and jammed on the breaks, bringing the plane to a violent stop just inches from the edge of the lights.
"Brother!" he puffed, wiping his brow. "That sure was a short runway!"
"Yeah," agreed Al, looking side to side, "but look how WIDE it is."
#joke #sport #diving
Joke | Source: Smilezilla - Daily Jokes and Funny Stories
  • Currently 8.44/10

Rating: 8.4/10 (9)

Getting Revenge With Marriage

Old Farmer Johnson was dying. The family was standing around his bed. With a low voice he sad to his wife: "When I'm dead I want you to marry farmer Jones."
Wife: "No, I can't marry anyone after you."
Johnson: "But I want you to."
Wife: "But why?"
Johnson: "Jones once cheated me in a horse deal!"
#joke #short #animal #horse
Joke | Source: Joke of the Day - Jokes served hot and fresh daily.
  • Currently 6.27/10

Rating: 6.3/10 (11)

In a dark and hazy room, peeri...

In a dark and hazy room, peering into a crystal ball, the mystic delivered grave news:
"There's no easy way to say this, so I'll just be blunt - prepare yourself to be a widow. Your husband will die a violent and horrible death this year."
Visibly shaken, Laura stared at the woman's lined face, then at the single flickering candle, then down at her hands. She took a few deep breaths to compose herself.
She simply had to know. She met the fortune teller's gaze, steadied her voice, and asked:
"Will I be acquitted?"
#joke
Joke | Source: jokes warehouse - Animal jokes, Blonde jokes, doctor jokes, drunk jokes and jokes of the day
  • Currently 8.36/10

Rating: 8.4/10 (14)

Absentee Slips

In the HR department in the large corporation where I work, I receive absentee slips for all the employees.
Over the years I’ve heard every excuse, but the other day I found one in my voicemail that I never heard before.
“I won’t be in today,” said my absent coworker. “I’ll call back later with an excuse.”

#joke
Joke | Source: Friars Club - For over 25 years the Sunshine Committee has been providing entertainment, companionship and love to children's and senior citizens centers in the NY area.
  • Currently 7.54/10

Rating: 7.5/10 (13)

My mind is gone

"Oh God," sighed the wife one morning, "I'm convinced my mind is almost completely gone!"

Her husband looked up from the newspaper and commented, "I'm not surprised: You've been giving me a piece of it every day for twenty years!"

#joke #short
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Saturday, 16 January 2016
  • Currently 8.11/10

Rating: 8.1/10 (36)

The Perfect Man
The ...

The Perfect Man
The perfect man is gentle
Never cruel and never mean
He has a beautiful smile
And keeps his face so clean.
The perfect man loves children
And will raise them by your side
He will be a good father
And a good husband to his bride.
The perfect man loves cooking
Cleaning and vacuuming too
He'll do anything in his power
To convey his love to you.
The perfect man is sweet
Writing poetry from your name
He's a best friend to your mother
and kisses away your pain.
He will never make you cry
or batter you in any way
To hell with this stupid poem
The perfect man is gay.
#joke #wedding #bride #mother #father
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Sunday, 10 January 2010
  • Currently 4.96/10

Rating: 5.0/10 (71)

Rebecca Corry: False Advertising

I dont believe anything I see on TV. There was that herbal shampoo commercial where the ladies were in the shower using the shampoo, and theyre having orgasms. I went to Costco and bought the family pack of that. I was in the shower all weekend. The shampoo does not cause orgasms -- the bottle does.
#joke #short
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Monday, 10 January 2011
  • Currently 4.79/10

Rating: 4.8/10 (52)

Be My Valentine

A guy walks into a post office one day to see a middle-aged, balding man standing at the counter methodically placing "Love" stamps on bright pink envelopes with hearts all over them. He then takes out a perfume bottle and starts spraying scent all over them.
His curiosity getting the better of him, he goes up to the balding man and asks him what he is doing. The man says, "I'm sending out 1,000 Valentine cards signed, 'Guess who?'"
"But why?" asks the man.
"I'm a divorce lawyer," the man replies.
#joke #lawyer
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Sunday, 10 January 2010
  • Currently 7.31/10

Rating: 7.3/10 (39)

Chelsea Handler: AA Meetings

Have you ever been to an AA meeting? No wonder these people are alcoholics -- Ive never needed a drink more badly in my life.
#joke #short
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Tuesday, 10 January 2012
  • Currently 5.16/10

Rating: 5.2/10 (37)

The other day I held...

“The other day I held the door open for a clown. I thought it was a nice jester.”

#joke #short
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Friday, 10 January 2014
  • Currently 5.97/10

Rating: 6.0/10 (30)

The $5,000,000 question....

Bob had finally made it to the last round of the $5,000,000 Question. The night before the big question, he told the M.C. that he desired a question on American History.

The big night had arrived. Bob made his way on stage in front of the studio and TV audience. He had become the talk of the week. He was the best guest this show had ever seen. The M.C. stepped up to the mic.

"Bob, you have chosen American History as your final question. You know that if you correctly answer this question, you will walk away $5,000,000 dollars richer. Are you ready?"

Bob nodded with a cocky confidence-the crowd went nuts. He hadn't missed a question all week.

"Bob, your question on American History is a two-part question. As you know, you may answer either part first. As a rule, the second half of the question is always easier. Which part would you like to take a stab at first?"

Bob was now becoming more noticeably nervous. He couldn't believe it, but he was drawing a blank. American History was his easiest subject, but he played it safe. "I'll try the easier part first."

The M.C. nodded approvingly. "Here we go Bob. I will ask you the second half first, then the first half."

The audience silenced with gross anticipation . . .

"Bob, here is your question: And in what year did it happen??"

#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Sunday, 09 November 2014
  • Currently 5.14/10

Rating: 5.1/10 (14)

A woman wanted to call her hus...

A woman wanted to call her husband on his phone but discovered that the battery on her phone was dead. So she instructed her young son to use his phone to pass an urgent message to his daddy.
After junior called, he told his mummy that a woman had picked up daddy's phone the three times he tried calling.
Angry, she waited impatiently for her husband to return from work and, upon seeing him in the driveway, rushed out and gave him a tight slap. And then another, for good measure. People in the neighborhood saw the commotion and came out to see what would develop further.
Noticing the gathering of neighbors, the angry woman asked her son to tell everybody what the woman on the phone had said to him when he called.
Junior said: "The woman's voice said, 'The number you have dialed is currently not in service. Please try again later.'"
#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Tuesday, 04 August 2015
  • Currently 6.17/10

Rating: 6.2/10 (6)

Days of the Week

Sunday - Monday - Tuesday - Wednesday - Thursday - Friday - Saturday
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Sunday, 05 July 2015
  • Currently 6.00/10

Rating: 6.0/10 (8)

Ladies Restroom

This bartender is in a bar, when this really hot chick walks up and says in a sexy seductive voice, “May I please speak to your manager?” He says, “Not right now, is there anything I can help you with?” She replies, “I don't know if your the man to talk to…its kind of personal…” Thinking he might get lucky, he goes, “I'm pretty sure I can handle your problem, miss.” She then looks at him with a smile, and puts two of her fingers in his mouth…and he begins sucking them, thinking “I'm in!!!” She goes, “Can you give the manager something for me?” The bartender nods…yes. “Tell him there's no toilet paper in the ladies restroom.”

#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Monday, 24 October 2011
  • Currently 4.33/10

Rating: 4.3/10 (12)

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