Jokes of the day for Tuesday, 19 March 2019
| Funny jokes, funny photo and funny video collected from the internet on Tuesday, 19 March 2019 |
“I suggested building
“I suggested building beds above each other to save space but the idea was debunked.”
Two mice live in a movie studi
Two mice live in a movie studio warehouse and are looking for food. Suddenly one hears the other chewing."What did you find?" he asks.
"I am not sure," comes the answer. "It looks like a piece of film celluloid from an old movie. Let me see... Ah, yes. It is from 'Gone with the Wind'".
"And how is it?"
"Nothing much. The book was better."
Me: Would you like to be t
Me: Would you like to be the sun in my life?
Her: Awww... Yes!!!
Me: Good then stay 92.96 million miles away from me
My husband wants me to ask you....
Brenda, pregnant with her first child, was paying a visit to her obstetrician's office. When the exam was over, she shyly began, "My husband wants me to ask you..."
"I know, I know." the doctor said, placing a reassuring hand on her shoulder, "I get asked that all the time. Sex is fine until late in the pregnancy."
"No, that's not it at all." Brenda confessed. "He wants to know if I can still mow the lawn."
You Might Be A Redneck If 40
You might be a redneck if...
You think that Dom Perignon is a Mafia leader.
Your wife's hairdo was once ruined by a ceiling fan.
You go to your family reunion looking for a date.
Your Junior/Senior Prom had a Daycare.
You think the last words to The Star Spangled Banner are, "Gentlemen, start your engines."
You lit a match in the bathroom and your house exploded right off its wheels.
You had to remove a toothpick for your wedding pictures.
The bluebook value of your truck goes up and down, depending on how much gas it has in it.
You have to go outside to get something out of the 'fridge.
One of your kids was born on a pool table.
A Silent Bomb in Church
An elderly couple were in church. The wife leaned over and whispered to her husband, "I just let out a long silent fart... what should I do?"
The husband replied, "Replace the batteries in your hearing aid."
- Joke shared by Beliefnet member eyesoftheworld
Looking for a Lumberjack...
A large, well established, Canadian lumber camp advertised that they were looking for a good Lumberjack.
The very next day, a skinny little man showed up at the camp with his axe, and knocked on the head lumberjacks' door. The head lumberjack took one look at the little man and told him to leave.
"Just give me a chance to show you what I can do," said the skinny man.
"Okay, see that giant redwood over there?" said the lumberjack. "Take your axe and go cut it down."
The skinny man headed for the tree, and in five minutes he was back knocking on the lumberjack's door.
"I cut the tree down," said the man.
The lumberjack couldn't believe his eyes and said, "Where did you get the skill to chop down trees like that?"
"In the Sahara Forest," replied the puny man.
"You mean the Sahara Desert," said the lumberjack.
The little man laughed and answered back, "Sure, that's what they call it NOW!"
A pregnant woman went to the g...
A pregnant woman went to the gynecologist, and when asked that was the problem, she responded, "Well, whenever I take off my clothes, my nipples get hard."Shocked, the doctor took a deep breath, then asked, "Your nipples get hard?"
"Yes" quite innocently came her reply.
"Undress so I can check" replied the still amazed doc.
So, she undressed, and he got down to the feeling and massaging, trying to reach an answer.
After some considerable time, the doctor, still looked puzzled, said, "Well madame, I don't know what you have, but it sure as hell is contagious!"
An eagle was sitting on a tree...
An eagle was sitting on a tree resting, doing nothing. A small rabbit saw the eagle and asked him, 'Can I also sit like you and do nothing?'The eagle answered: 'Sure, why not.'
So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the eagle and rested. All of a sudden, a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it.
Moral of the story:
To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very, very high up.
The Single Guy...
Man walks into a supermarket and buys :
1 bar of soap 1 toothbrush 1 tube toothpaste 1 loaf of bread 1 pint of milk 1 single serving cereal 1 single serving frozen dinner
The girl at the checkout looks at him and says "Single are you?" The man replies very sarcastically "How did you guess?" She replies "because you're ugly."
International Joke Day Jokes - for smart people
July the 1st is International Joke Day! Are you smart enogh to get these Jokes?
1. A mathematician and an engineer decided they'd take part in an experiment.
They were both put in a room and at the other end was a naked woman on a bed. The experimenter said that every 30 seconds they could travel half the distance between themselves and the woman.
The mathematician stormed off, calling it pointless. The engineer was still in.
The mathematician said, "Don't you see? You'll never get close enough to actually reach her."
The engineer replied, "So? I'll be close enough for all practical purposes."
2. Einstein, Newton, and Pascal are playing a rousing game of hide and seek.
Einstein begins to count to 10. Pascal runs and hides. Newton draws a one-meter by one-meter square in the ground in front of Einstein then stands in the middle of it.
Einstein reaches 10, uncovers his eyes, and exclaims "Newton! I found you! You're it!"
Newton replies, "You didn't find me. You found a Newton over a square meter. You found Pascal!"
3. A Buddhist monk approaches a burger food truck and says, 'Make me one with everything."
The Buddhist monk pays with a $20 bill, which the vendor takes, puts in his cash box, and closes the lid.
"Where's my change?" the monk asks.
The vendor replies, "Change comes from within."
4. A linguistics professor says during a lecture that, 'In English, a double negative forms a positive. But in some languages, such as Russian, a double negative is still a negative. However, in no language in the world can a double positive form a negative.'
But then a voice from the back of the room piped up, "Yeah, right."
5. Noam Chomsky, Kurt Godel, and Werner Heisenberg walk into a bar.
Heisenberg turns to the others and says, "Obviously this is a joke, but how can we tell if it's funny?"
Godel replies, "We can't know that because we're inside the joke."
Chomsky says, "Of course it's funny, you're just telling it wrong."
6. The Laws of Thermodynamics are simple.
First Law of Thermodynamics: You can't win.
Second Law of Thermodynamics: You can't break even.
Third Law of Thermodynamics: You can't stop playing.
7. Jean-Paul Sartre is sitting in a cafe revising his first draft of 'Being and Nothingness.'
He says to the waitress, "I would like a cup of coffee, please. No cream."
The waitress replies, "I'm sorry sir, but we're out of cream. How about with no milk?"
8. Heisenberg was speeding down the highway.
A cop pulls him over and says, "Do you have any idea how fast you were going back there?"
Heisenberg says, "No, but I knew where I was."
9. A logician's wife is having a baby.
The doctor immediately hands the newborn to the dad.
The wife says, "Is it a boy or a girl?"
The logician says, "Yes."
10. A photon is going through airport security.
The TSA agent asks if he has any luggage.
The photon says, "No, I'm traveling light."
#jokeDay #InternationalJokeDay
Duct Tape
Jeff walks into a bar and sees his friend Paul slumped over the bar. He walks over and asks Paul what's wrong. "Well," replies Paul, "you know that beautiful girl at work that I wanted to ask out, but I got an erection every time I saw her?"
"Yes," replies Jeff with a laugh.
"Well," says Paul, straightening up, "I finally plucked up the courage to ask her out, and she agreed."
"That's great!" says Jeff, "When are you going out?"
"I went to meet her this evening," continues Paul, "but I was worried I'd get an erection again. So I got some duct tape and taped my penis to my leg, so if I did, it wouldn't show."
"Sensible" says Jeff.
"So I get to her door," says Paul, "and I rang her doorbell. She answered it in the sheerest, tiniest dress you ever saw."
"And what happened then?"
(Paul slumps back over the bar again.)
"I kicked her in the face."
Goat for Dinner
The young couple invited their aged pastor for Sunday dinner. While they were in the kitchen preparing the meal, the minister asked their son what they were having. "Goat," the little boy replied. "Goat?" replied the startled man of the cloth, "Are you sure about that?"
"Yep," said the youngster. "I heard Pa say to Ma, 'Might as well have the old goat for dinner today as any other day.'"
