Jokes of the day for Thursday, 11 April 2019
Funny jokes, funny photo and funny video collected from the internet on Thursday, 11 April 2019 |
“If you are too busy
“If you are too busy to fix a flat tire, you need to find some spare time.”
Strange New Battles
Seems there was a young soldier, who, just before battle, told his sergeant that he didn't have a rifle.
"That's no problem, son," said the sergeant. "Here, take this broom. Just point it at the Germans, and go 'Bangety Bang Bang'."
"But what about a bayonet, Sarge?" asked the young (and gullible) recruit.
The sergeant pulls a piece of straw from the end of the broom, and attaches it to the handle end. "Here, use this... just go, 'Stabity Stab Stab'."
The recruit ends up alone on the battlefield, holding just his broom. Suddenly, a German soldier charges at him. The recruit points the broom, "Bangety Bang Bang!" The German falls dead.
More Germans appear. The recruit, amazed at his good luck, goes "Bangety Bang Bang! Stabity Stab Stab!" He mows down the enemy by the dozens. Finally, the battlefield is clear, except for one German soldier walking slowly toward him.
"Bangety Bang Bang! shouts the recruit. The German keeps coming. "Bangety Bang Bang!" repeats the recruit, to no avail. He gets desperate. "Bangety Bang Bang! Stabity Stab Stab!" It's no use.
The German keeps coming. He stomps the recruit into the ground, and says, "Tankety Tank Tank."
Don't Put Off Till Tomorrow
I'm kind of tired of being an amateur crastinater...
I'm thinking of turning pro, but I'm going to put that decision off for awhile.
It was a beautiful day at the
It was a beautiful day at the park and there was this little blode girl, with rosy red cheeks. As she was walking around when suddenly she saw something on the ground and didn't know what it was but it was moving around and she thought it looked ugly.She saw a little boy about her age. "Hey you!" she shouted out. "Could you please come over here?"
The little boy walked over. "What do you need?" he said.
"What is this?" she asked.
The little boy replied, "It's a worm."
The little girl with a blank on her face and asked, "How do you kill one?"
"You can't!" the boy said.
"YES you can!!!" she said angry tone.
With a grind on her face, she wanted to show how smart she is... she bent down, scope up a hand full of dirt and buried the worm. "See I told you, now who do you think is the dumb one?"
Don't Step on the Ducks
![Don't Step on the Ducks](/jokes-archive/2018/04/12/Don-27t-Step-on-the-Ducks.jpg.400.jpg)
A lady went to the bar on a cr
A lady went to the bar on a cruise ship, and ordered a Scotch, with two drops of water. The bartender gave her the drink, and she said,"I'm on this cruise to celebrate my 80th birthday, and it's today."The bartender said, "Well, since it's your birthday, this one's on me."
As the lady finished her drink, a woman, to her right, said, "I'd liketo buy you a drink, too." The lady said, "Thank you, how sweet ofyou. OK, then, Bartender, I want another Scotch, with two drops ofwater."
"Coming up," said the bartender.
As she finished that drink, a man, to her left, said, "I'd like to buy you a drink too." The lady said, "Thank you very much, my dear. Bartender, I'll have another Scotch, with two drops of water."
"Coming right up," the bartender said.
As he gave her the drink, this time, he said, "Ma'am, I'm dying of curiosity. Why the Scotch with only two drops of water?"
The old woman giggled, and replied, "Sonny, when you're my age,you've learned how to hold your liquor. Water, however, is a whole other issue."
An apple a day....
While visiting a friend who was in the hospital, I noticed several pretty nurses, each of whom was wearing a pin designed to look like an apple. I asked one nurse what the pin signified. "Nothing," she said with a smile. "It's just to keep the doctors away."
A man entered the bus with bot...
![A man entered the bus with bot...](/jokes-archive/2017/04/11/A-man-entered-the-bus-with-bot-.jpg.400.jpg)
The puzzled blonde kept looking at him and his bulging pockets.
Finally, after many such glances from her, he said, "It's golf balls".
Nevertheless, the blonde continued to look at him thoughtfully andfinally, not being able to contain her curiosity any longer, asked."Does it hurt as much as tennis elbow?"
Complete and Finished
![Complete and Finished](/jokes-archive/2013/04/11/Complete-and-Finished.jpg.400.jpg)
There is a subtle but important difference between the words "complete" and "finished."
When you marry the right one, you are complete.
When you marry the wrong one, you are finished.
And if the right one catches you with the wrong one, you are completely finished.
A young lady came home from a ...
![A young lady came home from a ...](/jokes-archive/2009/04/11/A-young-lady-came-home-from-a-.jpg.400.jpg)
"Then why are you so sad?" her mother asked.
"Because he also told me he was an atheist. Mom, he doesn't even believe there's a hell."
Her mother replied, "Marry him anyway. Between the two of us, we'll show him how wrong he is."
Actual Answer from a Medical Student
While making his rounds, a doctor points out an x-ray to a group of medical students.âAs you can see,â he says, âthe patient limps because his left fibula and tibia are radically arched.â
The doctor turns to one of the students and asks, âWhat would you do in a case like this?â
âWell,â ponders the student, âI suppose Iâd limp, too.â
Water and Whiskey
![Water and Whiskey](/jokes-archive/2021/11/23/Water-and-Whiskey.jpg.400.jpg)
A professor of chemistry wanted to teach his 5th grade class a lesson about the evils of liquor, so he produced an experiment that involved a glass of water, a glass of whiskey, and two worms.
"Now, class, closely observe the worms," said the professor while putting a worm into the water.
The worm in the water writhed about, happy as a worm in water could be. He then put the second worm into the whiskey. It curled up and writhed about painfully, then quickly sank to the bottom, dead as a doornail.
"Now, what lesson can we learn from this experiment?" the professor asked.
Johnny, who naturally sits in back, raised his hand and wisely, responded confidently, "Drink whiskey and you won't get worms."
No desire to do anything
![No desire to do anything](/jokes-archive/2015/07/17/No-desire-to-do-anything.jpg.400.jpg)