Jokes of the day for Saturday, 27 April 2019
| Funny jokes, funny photo and funny video collected from the internet on Saturday, 27 April 2019 |
A ventriloquist walked up to a
A ventriloquist walked up to an Indian and said "I'll bet I can make your horse talk."Indian: "Horse no talk."
Ventriloquist: "Sure watch this. Hi horse. How does you master treat you?"
Horse: "Oh, he is good to me. He gives me food, water and he keeps me out of the sun."
Ventriloquist: "I'll bet I can make you dog talk."
Indian: "Dog no talk."
Ventriloquist: "Sure watch this. Dog, how are you? Does your master treat you good?"
Dog: "Oh! He treats me good. He gives me food, water and he plays ball with me."
Ventriloquist: "I'll bet I can make your sheep talk."
Indian: "Sheep Lie! Sheep Lie!"
The story behind the letter be
The story behind the letter below is that there is this nutball in Newport,Rhode Island named Scott Williams who digs things out of his backyard andsends the stuff he finds to the Smithsonian Institute, labeling them withscientific names, insisting that they are actual archaeological finds. Thisguy really exists!Anyway... here's an actual response from the Smithsonian Institute. Bearthis in mind next time you think you are challenged in your duty to respondto a difficult situation in writing.
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Smithsonian Institute
207 Pennsylvania Avenue
Washington, DC 20078
Dear Mr. Williams:
Thank you for your latest submission to the Institute, labeled "93211-D,layer seven, next to the clothesline post...Hominid skull."
We have given this specimen a careful and detailed examination, and regret toinform you that we disagree with your theory that it represents conclusiveproof of the presence of Early Man in Charleston County two million yearsago.
Rather, it appears that what you have found is the head of a Barbie doll, ofthe variety that one of our staff, who has small children, believes to be"Malibu Barbie." It is evident that you have given a great deal of thought tothe analysis of this specimen, and you may be quite certain that those of uswho are familiar with your prior work in the field were loathe to come tocontradiction with your findings.
However, we do feel that there are a number of physical attributes of thespecimen which might have tipped you off to its modern origin:
1. The material is molded plastic. Ancient hominid remains aretypically fossilized bone.
2. The cranial capacity of the specimen is approximately 9 cubiccentimeters, well below the threshold of even the earliest identifiedproto-homonids.
3. The dentition pattern evident on the skull is more consistent withthe common domesticated dog than it is with the ravenous man-eating Plioceneclams you speculate roamed the wetlands during that time.
This latter finding is certainly one of the most intriguing hypotheses youhave submitted in your history with this institution, but the evidence seemsto weigh rather heavily against it. Without going into too much detail, letus say that:
A. The specimen looks like the head of a Barbie doll that a dog haschewed on.
B. Clams don't have teeth.
It is with feelings tinged with melancholy that we must deny your request tohave the specimen carbon-dated. This is partially due to the heavy load ourlab must bear in its normal operation, and partly due to carbon-dating'snotorious inaccuracy in fossils of recent geologic record. To the best ofour knowledge, no Barbie dolls were produced prior To 1956 AD, andcarbon-dating is likely to produce wildly inaccurate results.
Sadly, we must also deny your request that we approach the National ScienceFoundation Phylogeny Department with the concept of assigning your specimenthe scientific name Australopithecus spiff-arino.
Speaking personally, I, for one, fought tenaciously for the acceptance ofyour proposed taxonomy, but was ultimately voted down because the speciesname you selected was hyphenated, and didn't really sound like it might beLatin.
However, we gladly accept your generous donation of this fascinating specimento the museum. While it is undoubtedly not a Hominid fossil, it is,nonetheless, yet another riveting example of the great body of work you seemto accumulate here so effortlessly. You should know that our Director hasreserved a special shelf in his own office for the display of the specimensyou have previously submitted to the Institute, and the entire staffspeculates daily on what you will happen upon next in your digs at the siteyou have discovered in your Newport back yard. We eagerly anticipate yourtrip to our nation's capital that you proposed in your last letter, andseveral of us are pressing the Director to pay for it.
We are particularly interested in hearing you expand on your theoriessurrounding the trans-positating fillifitation of ferrous ions in astructural matrix that makes the excellent juvenile Tyrannosaurus Rex femuryou recently discovered take on the deceptive appearance of a rusty 9mm SearsCraftsman automotive crescent wrench.
Yours in Science,
Harvey Rowe
Chief Curator-Antiquities
Scary Collection 05
A ghost joke
What do ghosts say when a girl footballer is sent off?
Ban-she Ban-she!
A vampire joke
What do vampires have at eleven o'clock every day?
A coffin break!
A witch joke
Why did the baby witch smile when she came out in blotches?
Because it was an 'appy rash!
A Halloween joke
Why was the little boy unhappy to win first prize for the best costume at the Halloween party?
Because he just came to pick up his sister!
A cannibal joke
Why didn't the cannibal eat Mike Tyson?
He thought he would give him a paunch!
A witch joke
Why did the witch wear a green felt pointy hat?
So she could walk across snooker tables without being seen!
A witch joke
What has six legs and flies?
A witch giving her cat a ride!
The Surprise Party
Why were all of the ladies at the surprise party staring at the pair of handsome chromosomes?
Because they weren't wearing any genes!
“I couldn't find the
“I couldn't find the car window scraper this morning, so I used a plastic store discount card to clean my windows. It didn't work very well. I only got 20% off.”
Mummy Can I ?
- No, David.
Strangers on a train...
A man and a woman who have never met before find themselves in the same sleeping carriage of a train. After the initial embarassment, they both manage to get to sleep; the woman on the top bunk, the man on the lower.
In the middle of the night, the woman leans over and says, "I'm sorry to bother you, but I'm awfully cold and I was wondering if you could possibly pass me another blanket."
The man leans out and, with a glint in his eye, says, "I've got a better idea....let's pretend we're married."
"Why not," giggles the woman.
"Good", he replies. "Get your own damn blanket."
Todd Barry: Book Lights
They sell book lights now, a little spotlight you attach to your book. You know, I actually thought about buying one of these, and then I remembered, I own a lamp. Don't Step on the Ducks
Three guys die together in an accident and go to heaven. When they get there, St. Peter says, "We only have one rule here in heaven: Don't step on the ducks!"So they enter heaven, and sure enough, there are ducks all over the place. It is almost impossible not to step on a duck, and although they try their best to avoid them, the first guy accidentally steps on one.
Along comes St. Peter with the ugliest woman he has ever seen. St. Peter chains them together and says, "Your punishment for stepping on a duck is to spend eternity chained to the ugly woman!"
The next day, the second guy steps accidentally on a duck, and along comes St. Peter, who doesn't miss a thing, and with him is another extemely ugly woman. He chains them together with the same admonishment as for the first guy.
The third guy has observed all this and not wanting to be chained for all eternity to an ugly woman, is very, VERY careful where he steps. He manages to go months without stepping on any ducks, but one day St. Peter comes up to him with the most gorgeous woman he has ever laid eyes on: a very tall, tan, curvaceous, sexy blonde. St. Peter chains them together without saying a word.
The guy remarks, "I wonder what I did to deserve being chained to you for all of eternity?"
She says, "I don't know about you, but I stepped on a duck!"
Dream
After she woke up, a woman told her husband,
“I just had a dream that you gave me the most beautiful diamond necklace. What do you think it means?”
“You'll know tonight.” he said with a smile.
The woman could hardly think of anything else all day and she couldn't wait for her husband to return home.
That evening, the man finally came home with a small package and gave it to his wife.
Delighted, she opened it excitedly to find a book entitled…
“The Meaning of Dreams”
Chuck Norris can win a game of...
Chuck Norris can win a game of Connect Four in only three moves.Little League Baseball
At one point during a game, the coach called one of his 9-year-old baseball players aside and asked, 'Do you understand what co-operation is?
What a team is?'
'Yes, coach', replied the little boy.
'Do you understand that what matters is whether we win or lose together as a team?'
The little boy nodded in the affirmative.
'So,' the coach continued, 'I'm sure you know, when an out is called, you shouldn't argue, curse, attack the umpire, or call him a pecker-head, dickhead or asshole. Do you understand all that?'
Again, the little boy nodded in the affirmative.
The coach continued, 'And when I take you out of the game so that another boy gets a chance to play, it's not good sportsmanship to call your coach a dumb ass or shithead is it?'
'No, coach.'
'Good', said the coach. 'Now go over there and explain all that to your grandmother!'
An elderly married couple...
An elderly married couple scheduled their annual medical examination the same day so they could travel together. After the husband's examination, the doctor then said to him, "You appear to be in good health. Do you have any medical concerns that you would like discuss with me?"
"In fact, I do," said the man. "After I have sex with my wife for the first time, I am usually hot and sweaty. And then, after I have sex with my wife the second time, I am usually cold and chilly."
"This is very interesting," replied the doctor. "Let me do some research and get back to you."
After examining the elderly wife, the doctor said to her, "Everything appears to be fine. Do you have any medical concerns that you would like to discuss with me?"
The lady replied that she had no questions nor concerns. The doctor then asked, "Your husband had an unusual concern. He claims that he is usually hot and sweaty after having sex the first time with you and then cold and chilly after the second time. Do you know why?"
"Oh that old buzzard!" she replied.
"That's because the first time is usually in July and the second time is usually in December!"
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