Jokes of the day for Friday, 21 June 2019

Can’t stick with a diet?

Q: What do you call someone who can’t stick with a diet?

A: A desserter.

By reddit user JquaterReddit

Scope of things

“When the hunter considered the scope of things he realized his life wasn't all that bad. He would just need to aim for higher things.”

Donna's husband Mike died sud

Donna's husband Mike died suddenly one day. Donna was taking care of the funeral arrangements with the undertaker when she was asked how she wanted Mike's obituary to read.
Donna asked the undertaker, "How much does an obituary cost?" The undertaker replied, "One dollar per word."
Donna then said, "I want the obituary to read - MIKE IS DEAD."
The under taker was an old fishing buddy of Mike's and he was a little disturbed by such a curt obituary, so he offered,
"I'll make you a special deal since I knew Mike so well. I'll pay for half of the obituary out of my own pocket."
Donna's face lit up and she replied, "Great. I want it to read - MIKE IS DEAD, BOAT FOR SALE."

Stick To The Plan

I was observing two men that were working for the public works department. One would dig a hole and the other would follow behind him and fill the hole in.
After a while I had to ask, "Why do you dig a hole, only to have your partner follow behind and fill it up again?"
The hole digger wiped his brow and sighed, "Well, I suppose it probably looks odd because we're normally a three-person team. But today the lad who plants the trees called in sick."

Finally, the good-natured boss

Finally, the good-natured boss was compelled to call Sam into his office.
"It has not escaped my attention," he pointed out, "that every time there's a home game at the stadium, you have to take your uncle to the doctor."
"You know you're right, sir," exclaimed Sam. "I didn't realize it. You don't suppose he's faking, do you?"

Should Have Glasses

A policeman stops a lady and asks for her license. He says "Lady, it says here that you should be wearing glasses."
The woman answered "Well, I have contacts."
The policeman replied "I don't care who you know! You're getting a ticket!"

Wet pussy

One spring day, a fish was swimming about a foot below the surface of a lake and saw a fly hovering just out of striking distance.

The fish said to itself, "If that fly comes six inches closer, I'll jump up and have myself a meal." Just then, a bear on the shore of the lake looked up and said to itself, " If that fly gets any closer to that fish, the fish will jump up, and I'll catch the fish and have myself a meal."

As luck would have it, a hunter saw what was happening. He thought to himself, "If that fly moves closer to the fish, the fish will jump, the bear will lean over to grab the fish, and I'll shoot the bear."

Just then, a rat was standing behind the hunter saying to itself," If that fly moves closer to the fish, the fish will jump, the bear will lean over to grab the fish, the hunter will lean over to shoot the bear, and I'll grab the sandwich from the back pocket of the hunter.

However, unbeknownst to the rat, a cat was observing everything and thinking, "If that fly moves closer to the fish, the fish will jump, the bear will grab the fish, the hunter will shoot the bear, the rat will grab the sandwich, and I'll snatch the rat."

At that very moment, the fly dropped a few inches, the fish grabbed the fly, the bear grabbed the fish, the hunter shot the bear, the rat grabbed the sandwich, the cat jumped, missed the rat and landed in the lake.

The moral of this story is:

If the fly drops six inches the pussy will get wet.

A biology teacher wished to de...

A biology teacher wished to demonstrate to his students the harmful effects of alcohol on living organisms. For his experiment, he showed them a beaker with pond water in which there was a thriving civilization of worms. When he added some alcohol into the beaker the worms doubled-up and died.
"Now," he said,” what do you learn from this?"
An eager student gave his answer.
"Well the answer is obvious," he said " if you drink alcohol, you'll never have worms."

A boy was teaching a girl arit...

A boy was teaching a girl arithmetic, he said it was his mission. He kissed her once; he kissed her twice and said, "Now that's addition." In silent satisfaction, she sweetly gave the kisses back and said, "Now that's subtraction." Then he kissed her, she kissed him, without an explanation. And both together smiled and said, "That's multiplication." Then her Dad appeared upon the scene and made a quick decision. He kicked that boy three blocks away and said, "That's long division!"

Proud Of Daddy

Three boys are in the schoolyard bragging about their fathers.

The first boy says, "My dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a poem, and they give him $50."

The second boy says, "That's nothing. My dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a song, and they give him $100."

The third boy says, "I got you both beat. My dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, calls it a sermon, and it takes eight people to collect all the money!"

You look familiar

You look familiar, did I see you in the zoo parade ?

I think you may have seen me at the zoo, I was the one who was feeding you peanuts.

I understand that's Animal Magic is your favorite show because so many of your relatives are on it.

I know your trying to insult me, but I know you like me. I can see your tail wagging.

That's funny you calling me an animal, and it's you that has the webbed feet.

You look familiar too, but that's not surprising, I collect bugs for a hobby.

You look familiar too, have I ever seen you hanging by the tail from the tree in my garden ?

Didn't I dissect you in a biology class one time?

It was a stifling hot day and...

It was a stifling hot day and a man fainted in the middle of a busy intersection. Traffic quickly piled up in all directions, and a woman rushed to help him.
As she knelt down to loosen his collar, a man emerged from the crowd, pushed her aside, and said, "It's all right, Honey, I've had a course in first aid."
The woman stood up and watched as he took the ill man's pulse and prepared to administer artificial respiration.
At this point she tapped him on the shoulder and said, "When you get to the part about calling a doctor, I'm already here."

Computer Chess

A computer once beat me at chess...
But it was no match for me at kickboxing!

International Joke Day Jokes - Why did the chicken cross the road

International Joke Day falls at the halfway point in the year on July 1st

Find some classic "Why did the chicken cross the road" jokes

Also, be sure to check more International Joke Day Jokes to share!

Why did the chicken cross the road?
No one knows. But the road will have its vengeance.

Why didn’t the chicken cross the road?
Because there was a KFC on the other side.

Why did the chicken cross the road?
To knock knock on the door, walk into the bar, and change the lightbulb.

Why did the chicken stop crossing the road?
It got tired of everyone making so many jokes!

Why did the chicken cross the road?
I don’t know, let the chicken mind its own business.

Why did the chicken cross the road?
Because this is AMERICA! It can go anywhere it wants.

Why did the chicken cross the road to KFC?
To visit his family.

Why did the chicken cross the road?
Because she saw what you did to her eggs.

Why did Chicken Little cross the road?
To warn the people on the other side that the sky was falling.

Why did the chicken cross the road?
I don’t know, why?
To get to the loser’s house. Knock, knock!
Who’s there?
The chicken!

What caused the chicken to cross the road and enter the circus?
To learn how to juggle.

Why did the chicken cross the road?
Because chickens are really, really dumb.

Why did the chicken cross the road?
Because it was free range.

Why did the turkey cross the road?
To prove he wasn’t a chicken!

Why did the chicken cross the road?
Just beak-cause he could.

Why did the rubber chicken cross the road?
To stretch her legs.

Why did the chicken cross the road?
To find a world where no one would question his intention of crossing the road.

Why did the chicken cross the road?
Because America’s aging infrastructure doesn’t adequately provide footbridges or pedestrian underpasses.

Why did the monkey carry the chicken across the road?
So that somebody could tell this joke.

Why did the chicken run across the road?
To get to the other side faster.

What do you call a chicken crossing the road?
Poultry in motion.

Why did the chicken cross the road?
It wanted to know what all the jokes were about.

Why did the chicken cross the road?
Because he was social distancing.

Why couldn’t the chicken cross the road?
Because he was chicken.

Why didn’t the chicken cross the road?
Because it got run over halfway.

Why did the chicken cross the road?
To get away from Colonel Sanders.

Why did the momma chicken cross the road?
To get to the chick-fil-a.

Why did the chicken cross the playground?
To get to the other slide.

Why did the clown cross the road?
To retrieve his rubber chicken.

Why did the baby chick cross the road?
Because it was “take your child to work day.”

April Fool’s Day Pranks

1. Take something from someone’s office and leave them a ransom note.
2. Add several odd appointments with alarms set to go off during the day to a co-worker’s Outlook calendar.
3. Add food coloring to milk that comes in a cardboard container.
4. Add food coloring to the windshield washer fluid of someone’s car.
5. Switch around random keys on someone’s keyboard who isn’t a very good typist.
6. Switch the Push and Pull signs on a set of doors.