Jokes of the day for Friday, 12 July 2019
Funny jokes, funny photo and funny video collected from the internet on Friday, 12 July 2019 |
Death and Taxes
Death and taxes are inevitable...
But at least death doesn't get worse every year!
A man charged with assault and
A man charged with assault and battery insisted at his trial that he had just pushed his victim "a little bit".When he was pressured by the prosecutor to illustrate just how hard, the defendant approached the lawyer, slapped him in the face, grabbed him firmly by the lapels and flung him over the table.
He then faced judge and jury and calmly declared, "I would say it was about one-tenth that hard."
How kind you are?
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No matter how kind you are,
German children are kinder.
Joke found on reddit, posted by mattsulli in 2016
Photo by Elliot11 Medino on Pixabay
Refusal to offer mean assistant professor position
Herbert A. MillingtonChair - Search Committee
412A Clarkson Hall, Whitson University
College Hill, MA 34109
Dear Professor Millington,
Thank you for your letter of March 16. After careful consideration, Iregret to inform you that I am unable to accept your refusal to offer mean assistant professor position in your department.
This year I have been particularly fortunate in receiving an unusuallylarge number of rejection letters. With such a varied and promising fieldof candidates, it is impossible for me to accept all refusals.
Despite Whitson's outstanding qualifications and previous experience inrejecting applicants, I find that your rejection does not meet my needs atthis time. Therefore, I will assume the position of assistant professorin your department this August. I look forward to seeing you then.
Best of luck in rejecting future applicants.
Sincerely,
Chris L. Jensen
Looking Into Their Eyes
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The man gets really indignant and says, "Officer, I couldn't help but notice your eyes are glazed. Have you been eating doughnuts?"
How Do You Pronounce Kissimee?
A man and his wife were driving their Recreational Vehicle across the country and were nearing a town spelled Kissimee.
They noted the strange spelling and tried to figure how to pronounce it - KISS-a-me; kis-A-me; kis-a-ME. They grew more perplexed as they drove into the town.
Since they were hungry, they pulled into a place to get something to eat. At the counter, the man said to the waitress: "My wife and I can't seem to be able to figure out how to pronounce this place. Will you tell me where we are and say it very slowly so that I can understand."
The waitress looked at him and said: "Buuurrrgerrr Kiiiinnnng."
Unlucky Parachutist
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“No problem,” he says to himself, “I still have my emergency chute.” So he pulls the rip cord on his emergency parachute, and once again, nothing happens.
Now the man begins to panic. “What am I going to do?” he thinks, “I'm a goner!”
Just then he sees a man flying up from the earth toward him. He can't figure out where this man is coming from, or what he's doing, but he thinks to himself, “Maybe he can help me. If he can't, then I'm done for.”
When the man gets close enough to him, the skydiver cups his hands and shouts down, “Hey, do you know anything about parachutes?”
The other man replies, “No! Do you know anything about gas stoves?”
Lewis Black: Absolute Faith
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Neal Brennan: Shut It Down
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A college student picked up hi...
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"Does your Mother feed you like this at home?"
"No," she said, "but my Mother's not looking to get laid, either."
Where there's a will ...
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Where there's a will – there's a relative!
Ricky Gervais (June 25 1961-)
Picture: Getty
A man joins a big corporate em...
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The voice from the other side responded, "You fool you've dialed the wrong extension! Do you know who you're talking to, dumbo?"
"No," replied the trainee.
"It's the CEO of the company, you fool!"
The trainee shouts back, "And do you know who YOU are talking to, you fool?!"
"No," replied the CEO indignantly.
"Good!" replied the trainee, and puts down the phone.