Jokes of the day for Friday, 16 August 2019
| Funny jokes, funny photo and funny video collected from the internet on Friday, 16 August 2019 |
Dinner prayer
Little Johnny and his family were having Sunday dinner at his Grandmother’s house. Everyone was seated around the table as the food was being served. When Little Johnny received his plate, he started eating right away.
“Johnny! Please wait until we say our prayer,” said his mother.
“I don’t need to,” the boy replied.
“Of course, you do,” his mother insisted. “We always say a prayer before eating at our house.”
“That’s at our house,” Johnny explained. “But this is Grandma’s house and she actually knows how to cook!”
Found on https://britishexpats.com forum, topic Bad Jokes, published on Jan 29th 2012 by Tweedpipe
Happy National Tell A Joke Day!
12 Dad Jokes for National Tell A Joke Day
Monsters are not good at math.... Unless you Count Dracula.
19 had fight with 20 ... and 21
I would tell a joke about pzza, but its too cheesy
I gave away all my batteries today ... free of charge
I got a universal remote for Christmas ... well this changes everything
I had a joke about construction, but im still working on it
Did u get a haircut? No i cut them all out
Dracula doesnt have many friends because hese a pain in the neck.
I stayed up all night wondering where the Sun had gone. Then it dawned on me.
What did the sushi say to the bumble bee? Wasabi
Mountain aren't just funny, their hill areas.
I asked dad for his best dad joke, he said you.
A Road Racket
We were at a red light when a car pulled up, its music blasting.
“He’ll be deaf before he’s 25,” I said.
“That won’t help us,” my wife replied. “He’ll only turn it up.”
An Extremely Loyal Fan
There was a Packers fan with a really crappy seat at Lambeau. Looking with his binoculars, he spotted an empty seat on the 50-yard line. Thinking to himself "what a waste" he made his way down to the empty seat.
When he arrived at the seat, he asked the man sitting next to it, "Is this seat taken?" The man replied, "This was my wife's seat. She passed away. She was a big Packers fan." The other man replied,"I'm so sorry to hear of your loss. May I ask why you didn't give the ticket to a friend or a relative?"
The man replied, "They're all at the funeral."
Jokes written on the walls
1. What are you looking up on the wall for? The joke is in your hands. - Men's room, Lynagh's Bar. Lexington, KY.
2. No matter how good she looks, some other guy is sick and tired of putting up with her sh*t. - Men's room, Linda's Bar and Grill, Chapel Hill, NC.
3. Beauty is only a light switch away. - Perkins Library. Duke University.
4. If life is a waste of time and time is a waste of life, then let's all get wasted together and have the time of our lives. - Maggies Pizza, Washington, D.C.
5. Make love, not war. Hell, do both, get married. - Women's restroom, The Filling Station, Bozeman, MT.
6. If voting could really change things, it would be illegal. - Revolution Books, NY.
7. A woman's rule of thumb, if it has tires or testicles, you're going to have trouble with it. - Women's restroom, Dallas, TX.
8. I used to be into necrophilia and bestiality... but then I realized I was just kicking a dead horse. - The Cellar Restaurant, VA.
9. Hey Nike, I just did it! - Tastee Diner, Bethesda, MD
The corporate world
The corporate world is divided into two groups: those who know, and those who don't know. Those who know become the workers.Those who don't know are also in two groups. First, those who don't know and know they don't know, they go back to school to get another degree.
Secondly, there are those who don't know, and don't know they don't know. They become the managers.
Chinese laundry
Walking through Chinatown, a tourist is fascinated with all the Chinese restaurants, shops, signs and banners. He turns a corner and sees a building with the sign, "Hans Olaffsen's Laundry."
"Hans Olaffsen?", he muses. "How the heck does that fit in here?"
So he walks into the shop and sees an old Chinese gentleman behind the counter.
The tourist asks, "How did this place get a name like "Hans Olaffsen's Laundry?"
The old man answers, "Is name of owner."
The tourist asks, "Well, who and where is the owner?"
"Me, is right here," replies the old man.
"You? How did you ever get a name like Hans Olaffsen?"
"Is simple," says the old man. "Many, many year ago when come to this country, was stand in line at Documentation Center. Man in front was big blonde Swede. Lady look at him and go, "What your name?" He say, "Hans Olaffsen." Then she look at me and go, 'What your name?'"
"I say, Sem Ting."
In 1945, Adolf Hitler was real...
In 1945, Adolf Hitler was really kicked to death by a five year old Chuck Norris.Little Johnny was sitting in c...
Little Johnny was sitting in class doing math problems when his teacher picked him to answer a question:"Johnny, if there were five birds sitting on a fence and you shot one with your gun, how many would be left ?"
"None.", replied Johnny. "'cause the rest would fly off."
"The correct answer is four," said the teacher. "But I like your thinking."
Little Johnny said, "I have a question for you now. If there were three women eating ice cream cones in a shop, one licking her cone, the second biting her cone, and the third one sucking her cone, which one is married ?
"Well," said the teacher nervously, "I guess the one sucking her cone?"
"No," said Little Johnny, "The one with the wedding ring on her finger. But I like the way you think!"
Low Bridge
A truck driver was driving along on the freeway. He passed a sign that said “low bridge ahead.”Before he knew it, the bridge was right ahead of him and he could not avoid getting stuck under the bridge. You could say that he got a “Truck Wedgie.”
Cars were backed up for miles.
Finally, a police car pulled up. The cop got out of his car and walked around to the truck driver, put his hands on his hips and said, “Got stuck, huh?”
The gutsy truck driver said, “No officer, I was delivering this bridge and ran out of gas!”
Grandma's boyfriend
A 5-year old boy went to visit his grandmother one day. While playing with his toys in her bedroom while grandma was dusting furniture, he looked up and said, "Grandma, how come you don't have a boyfriend?"
Grandma replied, "Honey, my TV is my boyfriend. I can set in my bedroom and watch it all day long. The TV evangelists keep me company and make me feel so good.The comedies make me laugh. I'm so happy with my TV as my boyfriend." Grandma turned on the TV and the picture was horrible. She started adjusting the knobs trying to get the picture in focus. Frustrated, she started hitting on the backside of the TV hoping to fix the problem.
The little boy heard the doorbell ring so he hurried to open the door.When he opened the door, there stood Grandma's minister. The minister said, "Hello son is your grandma home?"
The little boy replied, "Yeah, she's in the bedroom bangin' her boyfriend."
A man walks into a piano store...
A man walks into a piano store and says, "I would like to buy a hairy piano." Perplexed, the sales clerk asked, "Why do you want a hairy piano?!" Nonchalantly, the customer responded, "Well, the last piano store only had Baldwins." Peanut butter puns
I don't think any would stick. I shouldn't be spreading such bad puns and drive everyone nuts. Any one butter than me?
Did you hear the joke about the peanut butter? I`m not teling you. You might spread it!
Why did the girl smear peanut butter on the road? Because she`s nuts!
How is a dumb blonde like peanut butter? They spread for the bread.
I told my girlfriend I was breaking up with her because she had peanut butter legs. She asked, "What do you mean?" I said, "Your legs are nice and smooth and easy to spread like peanut butter."
What`s the feepng you get after popshing a peanut? Post nut clarity.
Why are peanuts afraid of going out? They`re afraid of getting a-salted.
When can peanuts laugh? When you crack them up!
What kind of sandwiches do sharks eat? Peanut butter and Jellyfish
Where do peanut drivers go to fill their tanks? The Shell station!
What do you call a peanut in a spacesuit? An astro-nut!
What did applesauce say to peanut butter? You`re Nutty!
Photo by Corleto Peanut butter on Unsplash