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Jokes of the day for Monday, 03 September 2018

Funny jokes, funny photo and funny video collected from the internet on Monday, 03 September 2018

Him: There is one word that wi...

Him: There is one word that will make me the happiest man in the world. Will you marry me?
Her: No!
Him: That's the word!
#joke #short
Joke | Source: Smilezilla - Daily Jokes and Funny Stories
  • Currently 8.60/10

Rating: 8.6/10 (10)

There's a glass and a half of...

There's a glass and a half of milk in each Cadbury chocolate block. I'm okay with the milk, it's the glass that worries me.
#joke #short
Joke | Source: Jokes of The Day - By Jokes of the day visitor
  • Currently 8.44/10

Rating: 8.4/10 (9)

SLIDESHOW #5 - Funny Photo Slideshow

There was a sign han...

“There was a sign hanging in the window of a dry cleaners I passed by. It read: 'So-and-So Dry Cleaners. Working on the same spot for 72 years.'”

#joke #short
  • Currently 8.75/10

Rating: 8.8/10 (4)

Jokes written on the walls

1. What are you looking up on the wall for? The joke is in your hands. - Men's room, Lynagh's Bar. Lexington, KY.

2. No matter how good she looks, some other guy is sick and tired of putting up with her sh*t. - Men's room, Linda's Bar and Grill, Chapel Hill, NC.

3. Beauty is only a light switch away. - Perkins Library. Duke University.

4. If life is a waste of time and time is a waste of life, then let's all get wasted together and have the time of our lives. - Maggies Pizza, Washington, D.C.

5. Make love, not war. Hell, do both, get married. - Women's restroom, The Filling Station, Bozeman, MT.

6. If voting could really change things, it would be illegal. - Revolution Books, NY.

7. A woman's rule of thumb, if it has tires or testicles, you're going to have trouble with it. - Women's restroom, Dallas, TX.

8. I used to be into necrophilia and bestiality... but then I realized I was just kicking a dead horse. - The Cellar Restaurant, VA.

9. Hey Nike, I just did it! - Tastee Diner, Bethesda, MD

#joke
Joke | Source: jokes warehouse - Animal jokes, Blonde jokes, doctor jokes, drunk jokes and jokes of the day
  • Currently 7.05/10

Rating: 7.1/10 (20)

Humor About The Irish

An Englishman, a Scotsman and an Irishman each order a Guiness in a pub. Upon being served, each finds a fly in their beer. Repulsed, the Englishman sends his back. The Scotsman gently flicks the fly out of his mug and begins drinking. The Irishman, carefully lifts the fly up by its wings and screams, "Spit it out! Spit it out!"
An Irishman walks into a bar and orders three glasses of Guiness, drinking them one at a time. Noticing this odd ritual, the bartender explains that the beer goes flat when poured and informs the man his beer would be much fresher if he ordered one glass at a time.
The Irishman explains he began this custom with his two brothers, who have moved to America and Australia, respectively. This is their way of remembering all the time they spent drinking together.
The man becomes a regular at the pub, well-known for always ordering three beers at once. One day he walks in and orders only two beers. Assuming the worst, a hush falls among other patrons.
When the Irishman returns to the bar to order his second round, the bartender quietly offers his condolences. The man looks confused for a moment, and then explains, "No, everyone's fine. I gave up beer for lent."
Shamrock
Barty was trapped in a bog and seemed a goner when Big Mick O'Reilly wandered by.
"Help!" Barty shouted, "Oi'm sinkin'!"
Don't worry," assured Mick. "Next to the Strong Muldoon, Oi'm the strongest man in Erin, and Oi'll pull ye right out o' there."
Mick leaned out and grabbed Barty's hand and pulled and pulled to no avail.
After two more unsuccessful attempts, Mick said to Barty, "Shure, an' Oi can't do it. The Strong Muldoon could do it alone, mebbe, but Oi'll have to get some help."
As Mick was leaving, Barty called "Mick! Mick!
D'ye think it will help if Oi pull me feet out of the stirrups?
#joke #walksintoabar #beer
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Monday, 07 May 2018
  • Currently 5.33/10

Rating: 5.3/10 (3)

Actual Employee Evaluations...

The following were taken from actual employee evaluations:

* Since my last report, this employee has reached rock bottom and shows signs of starting to dig.

* His men would follow him anywhere, but only out of morbid curiosity.

* I would not allow this man to breed.

* This associate is really not so much of a has-been, but more of a definitely won't be.

* Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a trap.

* When he opens his mouth, it seems that this is only to change whichever foot was previously in there.

* He would be out of his depth in a parking lot puddle.

* This man has delusions of adequacy.

* He sets low personal standards and consistently fails to achieve them.

* This employee should go far -- the sooner he starts, the better.

* This employee is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot.

* Got into the gene pool while the lifeguard wasn't looking.

* Got a full six-pack, but is missing the plastic thingy that holds it together.

* A gross ignoramus -- 144 times worse than an ordinary ignoramus.

* A photographic memory but with the lens cover glued on.

* Bright as Alaska in December.

* Donated his brain to science before he was quite finished using it.

* Fell out of his family tree.

* The gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn’t coming.

* This man has two brains; one is lost and the other is out looking for it.

* If brains were taxed, he would get a rebate.

* Any dumber and he would have to be watered twice a week.

* If you gave him a penny for his thoughts, you would get change back.

* If you stand close enough to him, you can hear the ocean.

* It's hard to believe that he beat out 1,000,000 other sperm.

* Some drink from the fountain of knowledge, he gargled.

* Was left on the Tilt-A-Whirl a bit too long as a baby.

#joke #december
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Wednesday, 09 September 2015
  • Currently 8.60/10

Rating: 8.6/10 (10)

Chuck Norris is currently suin...

Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked names for his left and right legs.
#joke #short #chucknorris
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Saturday, 03 September 2011
  • Currently 4.04/10

Rating: 4.0/10 (56)

Lynne Koplitz: Size Zero Roommate

She actually asked me for four grapes once. She counted grapes. What kind of mental patient counts grapes? Do you know anyone who does that? Thats the weirdest thing. I was like, Four grapes... To me grapes arent even a food. Theyre like a palate cleanser. Thats what I eat to get the Big Mac taste out of my mouth.
#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Friday, 03 September 2010
  • Currently 3.95/10

Rating: 4.0/10 (41)

Church Bulletin Bloopers: Weddings and Babies

Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the church. So ends a friendship that began in their school days.
The Honeymooners are now having bile studies each Tuesday evening at 7:30 p.m.
The rosebud on the altar this morning is to announce the birth of David Alan Belzer, the sin of Rev. and Mrs. Julius Belzer.
Please join us as we show our support for Amy and Alan who are preparing for the girth of their first child.
Thursday at 5:00 pm, there will be a meeting of the Little Mothers Club. All ladies wishing to be "Little Mothers" will meet with the Pastor in his private study.
(For the group of ladies called Moms Who Care and pray for the children in school). When their meeting was cancelled one week: "There will be no Moms who care this week."
- Joke shared on Beliefnet's Religious Humor page

#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Thursday, 03 September 2009
  • Currently 5.76/10

Rating: 5.8/10 (34)

Signs You Have a Han

1. You'd rather have a pencil driven through your retina than be exposed to sunlight.

2. Trying to gain control of the situation, you continue to tell your room to "stay still."

3. Looking at yourself in the mirror induces the same reaction as chugging a glass of fresh paint. 4. You're convinced that chirping birds are Satan's pets.

5. You set aside an entire morning to spend some quality time with your toilet.

6. You replaced the traditional praying on your knees with the more feasible praying in a fetal position.

7. The bathroom reminds you of a carnival barker shouting, "Step right up and give it whirl!" 8. All day long your motto is, "Never again."

9. You could purchase a new bike just by recycling the bottles around your bed.

10. Your natural response to "Good morning," is "Shut up!"

#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Saturday, 03 September 2011
  • Currently 4.16/10

Rating: 4.2/10 (32)

Drunk test

A police officer pulls over this guy who's been weaving in and out of the lanes. He goes up to the guy's window and says, "Sir, I need you to blow into this breathalyzer tube."

The man says, "Sorry, officer, I can't do that. I am an asthmatic. If I do that, I'll have a really bad asthma attack."

"Okay, fine. I need you to come down to the station to give a blood sample."

"I can't do that either. I am a hemophiliac. If I do that,I'll bleed to death."

"Well, then, we need a urine sample."

"I'm sorry, officer, I can't do that either. I am also a diabetic. If I do that, I'll get really low blood sugar."

"All right, then I need you to come out here and walk this white line."

"I can't do that, officer."

"Why not?"

"Because I'm drunk."

#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Sunday, 03 September 2017
  • Currently 8.10/10

Rating: 8.1/10 (31)

Working in The Garden

A prisioner in jail received a letter from his wife:
"I have decided to plant some lettuce in the back garden. When is the best time to plant them?"
The prisioner, knowing that the prison guards read all the mail, replied in a letter:
"Dear Wife, whatever you do, DO NOT touch the back garden! That is where I hid all the gold."
A week or so later, he received another letter from his wife:
"You wouldn't believe what happened. Some men came with shovels to the house, and dug up the whole back garden."
The prisoner wrote another letter:

"Dear wife, NOW is the best time to plant the lettuce!"

#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Wednesday, 26 March 2014
  • Currently 7.30/10

Rating: 7.3/10 (10)

Speed Limit

Sitting on the edge of the highway waiting to catch speeders, a state police officer saw a car driving along at 22 M.P.H. He thinks to himself, that car is just as dangerous as a speeder. So, he turns his lights on and pulls the car over. Approaching the car, he notices there are 5 old ladies, two at the front and 3 at the back, wide eyed and looking like ghosts.
The driver, obviously confused, said, "Officer, I don’t understand, I wasn’t doing over the speed limit! What did you pull me over for?"
"Ma’am," the officer said, "You should know that driving slower than the speed limit can also be dangerous".
"Slower than the speed limit? No sir! I was doing exactly 22 miles an hour", the old woman said proudly.
The officer, trying not to laugh, explains that 22 is the route number, not the speed limit. A little embarrassed, the woman smiled and thanked the officer for pointing out her error.
"Before I go Ma’am, I have to ask, is everyone ok? These women seem badly shaken and haven’t said a word since I pulled you over."
"Oh! they’ll be all right in a minute, officer. We just got off Route 142" ...    

#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Friday, 03 July 2015
  • Currently 5.90/10

Rating: 5.9/10 (10)

Dickens's Martini

Charles Dickens walks into a bar and orders a martini.

The bartender asks, "Olive or twist?"

#joke #short #walksintoabar
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Wednesday, 12 November 2014
  • Currently 7.67/10

Rating: 7.7/10 (6)

The ancient Phoenician

The ancient Phoenician navy failed to conquer the Mediterranean, but it wasn't for a lack of trireme.
#joke #short
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Thursday, 27 August 2015
  • Currently 3.00/10

Rating: 3.0/10 (2)

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