Jokes of the day for Sunday, 25 August 2019
| Funny jokes, funny photo and funny video collected from the internet on Sunday, 25 August 2019 |
A middle-aged woman seemed she
A middle-aged woman seemed sheepish as she visited her gynecologist."Come now," coaxed the doctor, "you've been seeing me for years! There's nothing you can't tell me."
"This one's kind of strange..."
"Let me be the judge of that," the doctor replied.
"Well," she said, "yesterday I went to the bathroom in the morning and heard a plink-plink-plink in the toilet; and when I looked down, the water was full of pennies."
"I see."
"That afternoon I went again and there were nickels in the bowl."
"Uh-huh."
"That night," she went on, "there were dimes and this morning there were quarters! You've got to tell me what's wrong with me!," she implored, "I'm scared out of my wits!"
The gynecologist put a comforting hand on her shoulder. "There, there, it's nothing to be scared about... You're simply going through the change."
Comfort the English Teacher
What do you say to comfort an English teacher?
They’re, there, their.
Eels being friendly
“Groups of eels that value being friendly with one another are social morays.”
Greatest Comedian in the Bible
Q. Who was the greatest comedian in the Bible?A. Samson. He brought the house down.Go to school!
Mom was trying to get her son to get out of bed and get ready for school. "I am not going to school!" the son responded defiantly.
"Why not?" Mom wanted to know.
"Well, first of all I hate school and second of all ..the kid all hate me!!" was the answer.
"Son, that's not good reasons..you will have to get up and ready for school!" Mom replied.
"Well, give me two good reasons why I should," the son said.
"Well," Mom said quietly, "First of all you are 52 years old and second of all...You are the Principal."
Tied In An Election
The following is supposedly a true story. To be included, besides being true, the story is most likely strange, weird, surprising, or funny.
January 12, 1993
Richard Kyle won his Arizona House seat in November more easily than he had won the Republican primary in September. He and his primary opponent, John Gaylord, had tied and had agreed to settle things with one hand of five-card stud dealt by the speaker of the Arizona House.
Kyle's pair of sevens put him into the general election.
Teaching Math in 1950:
Teaching Math in 1950:A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is 4/5of the price. What is his profit?
Teaching Math in 1960:
A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is 4/5of the price, or $80. What is his profit?
Teaching Math in 1970:
A logger exchanges a set "L" of lumber for a set "M" of money. Thecardinality of set "M" is 100. Each element is worth one dollar. Make 100 dotsrepresenting the elements of the set "M". The set "C", the cost ofproduction contains 20 fewer points than set "M". Represent the set "C" as a subsetof set "M" and answer the following question: What is the cardinality of theset "P" of profits?
Teaching Math in 1980:
A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is $80and his profit is $20. Your assignment: Underline the number 20.
Teaching Math in 1990:
By cutting down beautiful forest trees, the logger makes $20. What do youthink of this way of making a living? Topic for class participation afteranswering the question? How did the forest birds and squirrels feel as the loggercut down the trees? There are no wrong answers.
Teaching Math in 2000:
By laying off 402 of its loggers, a company improves its stock price from $80to $100. How much capital gain per share does the CEO make by exercisinghis stock options at $80. Assume capital gains are no longer taxed, becausethis encourages investment.
Teaching Math in 2010:
A company outsources all of its loggers. They save on benefits and whendemand for their product is down the logging work force can easily be cutback. The average logger employed by the company earned $50,000, had 3weeks vacation, received a nice retirement plan and medical insurance. Thecontracted logger charges $50 an hour. Was outsourcing a good move?
Teaching Math in 2013:
A logging company exports its wood-finishing jobs to its Indonesiansubsidiary and lays off the corresponding half of its US workers (the higher-paidhalf). It clear-cuts 95% of the forest, leaving the rest for the spotted owl,and lays off all its remaining US workers. It tells the workers that the spottedowl is responsible for the absence of fellable trees and lobbies Congress forexemption from the Endangered Species Act. Congress instead exemptsthe company from all federal regulation. What is the return on investment ofthe lobbying costs?
Chuck Norris can dribble a foo...
Chuck Norris can dribble a football.Pay for the Food
There was a poor old Irish cobbler whose shop was next door to a very upscale French restaurant.Every day at lunch time, Mike, the Irish gent, would go out the back of his shop and eat his soda bread and maybe a kipper or piece of Irish blue cheese while smelling the wonderful odors coming from the restaurant's kitchen.
One morning, the Irishman was surprised to receive an invoice in the mail from the adjoining restaurant for “enjoyment of food”
Mystified, he marched right over to the restaurant to point out that he had not bought a thing from them.
The manager said, “You're enjoying our food, so you should pay us for it.” The Irishman refused to pay and the restaurant took him to court.
At the hearing, the judge asked the restaurant to present their side of the case. The manager said, “Every day, this man comes and sits outside our kitchen and smells our food while eating his. It is clear that we are providing added value to his poor food and we deserve to be compensated for it.”
The judge turned to Mike and said, “What do you have to say to that?” The old Irishman didn't say a thing but smiled and stuck his hand in his pocket and rattled the few coins he had inside.
The judge asked him, “What is the meaning of that?” The Irishman replied with a mile wide grin, – “I'm paying for the smell of his food with the sound of my money.”
Todd Barry: Hearing Aid
Saw a great product advertised -- it was a hearing aid made to look like a Bluetooth headset. Its for people who are embarrassed about wearing a hearing aid but not about wearing a Bluetooth headset. An Anagram, as you know, is a word or phrase made by transposing or rearranging the letters of another word or phrase. The following are exceptionally clever.
Dormitory: Dirty Room
Evangelist: Evil's Agent
Desperation: A Rope Ends It
The Morse Code: Here Come Dots
Slot Machines: Cash Lost in 'em
Animosity: Is No Amity
Mother-in-law: Woman Hitler
Snooze Alarms: Alas! No More Z's
Alec Guinness: Genuine Class
Semolina: Is No Meal
The Public Art Galleries: Large Picture Halls, I Bet
A Decimal Point: I'm a Dot in Place
The Earthquakes: That Queer Shake
Eleven plus two: Twelve plus one
Contradiction: Accord not in it
Funniest Joke of The Fringe of year 2019 + nine shortlisted
I keep randomly shouting out 'Broccoli' and 'Cauliflower'-I think I might have florets.
Author: Swedish comedian Olaf Falafel.
The Winner of Dave's "Funniest Joke of The Fringe" of year 2019 - award with the niche culinary pun.
Ten jokes made the 2019 shortlist. Here the rest of nine are:
"Someone stole my antidepressants. Whoever they are, I hope they're happy"-Richard Stott
"What's driving Brexit? From here it looks like it's probably the Duke of Edinburgh" - Milton Jones
"A cowboy asked me if I could help him round up 18 cows. I said, 'Yes, of course. - That's 20 cows'" - Jake Lambert
"A thesaurus is great. There's no other word for it" - Ross Smith
"Sleep is my favourite thing in the world. It's the reason I get up in the morning" - Ross Smith
"I accidentally booked myself onto an escapology course; I'm really struggling to get out of it" - Adele Cliff
"After learning six hours of basic semaphore, I was flagging - Richard Pulsford
"To be or not to be a horse rider, that is Equestrian" - Mark Simmons
"I've got an Eton-themed advent calendar, where all the doors are opened for me by my dad's contacts" - Ivo Graham
Photo credit: Alan Powdrill – www.alanpowdrill.com
Wifi password
Me: What's the wifi password?
Bartender: You need to buy a drink first.
Me: Okay, I'll have a coke.
Bartender: Is Pepsi okay?
Me: Sure. How much is that?
Bartender: $3.
Me: There you go. So what's the wifi password?
Bartender: "You need to buy a drink first". No spaces, all lowercase.
Author:ShaidarHaran2
What are you doing this evening?
Rebecca said,"The Boss asked me what was I doing this evening."
The colleague asked, "So what did you say?"
Rebecca answered, "I said I was doing nothing. He gave me 50 pages to type!"
Man Overboard
An couple were on a cruise and it was really stormy. They were standing on the back of the ship watching the moon, when a wave came up and washed the man overboard. They searched for days and couldn't find him. So the captain sent the woman back to shore with the promise that he would notify her as soon as they found something.
Three weeks went by and finally the woman got a fax from the ship. It read: "Ma'am, sorry to inform you, we found your husband dead at the bottom of the ocean. We hauled him up to the deck and attached to his back end was an oyster and inside the oyster was a pearl worth $50,000....please advise."
The woman faxed back: "Send me the pearl and re-bait the trap."