Jokes of the day for Saturday, 14 September 2019

Typical nasty weather

Picture England, it's the early evening on a regular muggy day, a light drizzle splashes on the street. A drunkard leans on the gate in front of his house, looking across the street at a dashing young man talking to ladies as they stroll by his home.
Sometimes the young man takes the lady upstairs and comes back down smiling with her, other times she becomes offended, he says something else and she smiles and nods understandingly. Eventually the drunkard gets curious and crosses the street to ask him what's going on.
"Hello sir, now what's going on right here?" he asks.
The young man smiles and says, "Yes, I saw you watching. Well, whenever a lovely young bird comes by, I say to her, 'tickle your a** with a feather?' If she agrees we go upstairs and have some fun. Now if she is offended, I say to her, 'typical nasty weather.' She assumes she has misheard and goes about her business."
Thinking this is brilliant the drunkard goes home to try it out. A voluptuous woman comes by and he leans in and says to her, "Oi, can I stick a feather up yer ass?"
Startled she cries, "What!?"
He smiles and says, "Bloody rain!"

 Scary Collection 62

A witch joke
What kind of tests do they give in witch school?
Hex-aminations!

A witch joke
What do you call a witch that stays out all night?
A fresh air freak!

A witch joke
What do you get if you cross an owl with a witch?
A bird that's ugly but doesn't give a hoot!

A witch joke
What goes cackle, cackle, boom?
A witch in a minefield!
A witch joke
What is the difference between a musician and a dead witch?
One composes and the other decomposes!

A witch joke
Why did the witch go to the psychiatrist?
Because she thought everybody loved her!

A witch joke
What usually runs in witches' families?
Noses!

You Must Be A Visionary

Two boys were fishing on the bank of a river. The one boy remarked that being a visionary must be very difficult. He went on to say much more and added that visionaries are seldom understood in they're life time.
The other boy replied, "Then you must be a visionary, cause I have no idea what you’re talking about!"

Weight puns

“Everyone hated my weight puns. They all left en mass.”

Last requests

Mary Clancy goes up to Father McGuire after his Sunday morning service, and she's in tears. He says, "So what's bothering you, Mary my dear?"
She says, "Oh, Father, I've got terrible news. My husband passed away last night."
The priest says, "Oh, Mary, that's terrible. Tell me, Mary, did he have any last requests?"
She says, "That he did, Father."
The priest says, "What did he ask, Mary? "
She says, "He said, 'Please Mary, put down that damn gun.' "

One wish

A guy walking along the beach finds a bottle and picks it up.

A genie pops out and says, "Thanks for letting me out. For your kindness I will grant you one wish."

The guys says, "I've always wanted to go to Hawaii, but I can't because I'm afraid to fly and ships make me deathly sick. My wish is for you to build a road from here to Hawaii."

The genie says, "I'm sorry, but I don't think I can do that. Just think of all the work involved. Think of the huge pilings we'd need to hold up that highway and how deep they would have to be to reach the bottom of the ocean. And think of all the cement that would be needed. Plus, since it's such a long span, there would have to be gas stations and rest stops along the way. No, that's just too much to ask. Impossible."

The guy says, "Well, there is one thing I've always wanted to know. I'd like to be able to understand women...what makes them laugh and cry...you know, what makes them tick."

The genie thinks a second, then asks, "You want two lanes or four?'

Chuck Norris once pulled out a...

Chuck Norris once pulled out a single hair from his beard and skewered three men through the heart with it.

Modern Science

Researchers say they've discovered a tree extract that could

help to prevent herpes...

.. Must be a rubber tree...

Shhhh!

A Sunday school teacher asked the children just before she dismissed them to go to church, "And why is it necessary to be quiet in church?"
Annie replied, "Because people are sleeping."

John Mulaney: Benchwarmer Humiliation

I played basketball for five years, and I was a benchwarmer all five years. If you were never a benchwarmer, I cannot express to you the humiliation of, every Saturday morning, putting on a pair of breakaway pants and never having a reason to break them away -- then theyre just pants.

They just found a sw...

“They just found a sword swallower dead. The police suspect it's an inside job.”

The robbery

Two friends, Jim and Paul are in a bank, when, suddenly, armed robbers burst in.

While several of the robbers take the money from the tellers, others line the customers up against a wall and proceed to take their wallets, watches, etc.

While this is going on, Jim slips something into Paul's hand. Without looking down, Paul whispers, "What is this?"

Jim replies, "It's that $50 I owe you."

Guys who drive in re...

“Guys who drive in retractable convertibles with remote control often hoodwink others!”

I Am Going To Shop

"Cash, check or charge?" I asked after folding items the woman wished to purchase. As she fumbled for her wallet I notice a remote control for a television set in her purse.
"Do you always carry your TV remote?" I asked.
"No," she replied. "But my husband refused to come shopping with me, so I figured this was the most evil thing I could do to him."

Dane Cook: Time Travel

Know what I would like to do? Id travel back to when my mom and dad had sex to have me. And Id just run into the bedroom, right when theyre doing it, and just spank my dad on the ass: Im your son from the future!