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Jokes of the day for Tuesday, 17 December 2019

Funny jokes, funny photo and funny video collected from the internet on Tuesday, 17 December 2019

Matt's dad picked him up from...

Matt's dad picked him up from school one afternoon. Knowing the parts for the school play were supposed to be posted today, he asked his son if he got a part. Matt enthusiastically announced that he'd gotten a part. "I play a man who's been married for twenty years."
"That's great, son. Keep up the good work and before you know it they'll be giving you a speaking part."
#joke
Joke | Source: Smilezilla - Daily Jokes and Funny Stories
  • Currently 9.16/10

Rating: 9.2/10 (38)

Courthouse

“A courthouse is where you can play indoor tennis.”

#joke #short #pun
  • Currently 3.75/10

Rating: 3.8/10 (8)

SLIDESHOW #78 - Funny Photo Slideshow

Burning Calories

Me: "I just burned 2000 calories in 20 minutes."
Friend: "How?"
Me: "I forgot to take my brownies out of the oven."

#joke #short
Joke | Source: A joke a day - Free Jokes of the Day Clean Funny Jokes via Email, Humor and Entertainment
  • Currently 8.83/10

Rating: 8.8/10 (35)

 Answering Machine Message 161


Please leave a message. However, you have the right to remain silent. Everything you say will be recorded and will be used by us.

#joke #short
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Wednesday, 08 November 2017
  • Currently 5.45/10

Rating: 5.5/10 (11)

100% Polar bear

One afternoon in the Arctic, a father polar bear and his son polar bear were sitting in the snow. The son polar bear turned to his father and asked, "Dad, am I 100% polar bear?"

"Of course, son, you're 100% polar bear."

A few minutes pass, and the son polar bear turns to his father again and says, "Dad, tell me the truth. I can take it. Am I 100% polar bear? No brown bear or panda bear or grizzly bear?"

"Son, I'm 100% polar bear and your mother is 100% polar bear, so you're certainly 100% polar bear."

A few more minutes pass, and the son polar bear again turns to his father and says, "Dad, don't think your sparing my feelings if it's not true. I really need to know... am I really 100% polar bear?"

Distressed by this continued questioning, the father polar bear finally asked his son, "Why do you keep asking if you're 100% polar bear?"

"Because I'm freezing to death out here!"

#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Thursday, 22 December 2016
  • Currently 7.89/10

Rating: 7.9/10 (28)

During a visit to the mental a...

During a visit to the mental asylum, a visitor asked the Director how do you determine whether or not a patient should be institutionalised.
Well, said the Director, we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to empty the bathtub.
Oh, I understand, said the visitor.
A normal person would use the bucket because it's bigger than the spoon or the teacup.
No said the Director, A normal person would pull the plug out.
Do you want a bed near the window?
#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Friday, 11 November 2016
  • Currently 8.92/10

Rating: 8.9/10 (13)

There was a competition to cro...

There was a competition to cross the English channel doing only the breaststroke, and the three women who entered the race were a brunette, a redhead and a blonde.
After approximately 14 hours, the brunette staggered up on the shore and was declared the fastest. About 40 minutes later, the redhead crawled up on the shore and was declared the second place finisher.
Nearly 4 hours after that, the blonde finally came ashore and promptly collapsed in front of the worried onlookers.
When the reporters asked why it took her so long to complete the race, she replied, "I don't want to sound like I'm a sore loser, but I think those two other girls were using their arms..."
#joke #blonde
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Thursday, 17 December 2009
  • Currently 5.77/10

Rating: 5.8/10 (70)

Guns don't kill people. Chuck ...

Guns don't kill people. Chuck Norris kills people.
#joke #short #chucknorris
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Saturday, 17 December 2011
  • Currently 3.03/10

Rating: 3.0/10 (58)

Santa accessed someones facebook account

Somebody forgot to set his privacy settings.... Think this is how he got the red nose?
#joke #short
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Wednesday, 17 December 2014
  • Currently 8.26/10

Rating: 8.3/10 (34)

His favorite chocolate chip cookies....

An elderly man lay dying in his bed.

In death's agony, he suddenly smelled the aroma of his favorite chocolate chip cookies wafting up the stairs. He gathered his remaining strength, and lifted himself from the bed.

Leaning against the wall, he slowly made his way out of the bedroom, and with even greater effort forced himself down the stairs, gripping the railing with both hands, he crawled down the stairs.

With labored breath, he leaned against the door-frame, gazing into the kitchen. Were it not for death's agony, he would have thought himself already in heaven: there, spread out upon waxed paper on the kitchen table were literally hundreds of his favorite chocolate chip cookies.

Was it heaven? Or was it one final act of heroic love from his devoted wife, seeing to it that he left this world a happy man?

Mustering one great final effort, he threw himself toward the table, landing on his knees in a rumpled posture. His parched lips parted: the wondrous taste of the cookie was already in his mouth, seemingly bringing him back to life.

The aged and withered hand trembled on its way to a cookie at the edge of the table, when it was suddenly smacked with aspatula by his wife.

"Stay out of those," she said, "they're for the funeral."

#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Saturday, 17 December 2016
  • Currently 8.29/10

Rating: 8.3/10 (24)

Justice jokes

17 July is Day of International Criminal Justice. Raise awareness, and laugh with some jokes!

Justice is a dish best served cold because...
...if it were served warm, it would be justwater.

Today I gave up my seat on the bus to a blind person.
I was also fired from my job as a bus driver, no justice for the kind hearted in this world.

The attorney tells the accused, "I have some good news and some bad news."
"What’s the bad news?" asks the accused.
"The bad news is, your blood is all over the crime scene, and the DNA tests prove you did it."
"What’s the good news?"
"Your cholesterol level is good."

Attorney: "How was your first marriage terminated?"
Witness: "By death."
Attorney: "And by whose death was it terminated?"
Witness: "Guess."

#joke #lawyer #short #DayforJustice #WorldDayforInternationalJustice
Joke | Source: John Chris - Funny jokes collected from all around
  • Currently 6.71/10

Rating: 6.7/10 (7)

At The Public Pool


The lifeguard told the mother to make her young son stop urinating in the pool.
"Everyone knows," the mother lectured him, "that from time to time, young children will urinate in a pool."
"Oh really?" said the lifeguard, "from the diving board!?!?"
#joke
Joke | Source: Joke of the Day - Jokes served hot and fresh daily.
  • Currently 7.54/10

Rating: 7.5/10 (13)

What's with the nuts?

A guy goes into a bar. He's sitting on the stool, enjoying his drink when he hears, "You look great!" He looks around - there's nobody near him. He hears the voice again, "No really, you look terrific."

The guy looks around again. Nobody. He hears, "Is that a new shirt or something? Because you are absolutely glowing!" He then realizes that the voice is coming from a dish of nuts on the bar.

"Hey," the guy calls to the bartender, "What's with the nuts?"

"Oh," the bartender answers, "They're complimentary."

#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Wednesday, 05 November 2014
  • Currently 4.80/10

Rating: 4.8/10 (15)

When you cry nobody sees your tears

When you cry nobody sees your tears, When you are worried nobody sees your pain, When you are happy nobody sees your smile, But you fart just one time…OMG…
#joke #short
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Tuesday, 30 June 2015
  • Currently 8.33/10

Rating: 8.3/10 (3)

Singing In Church

A minister decided to try something a little different one Sunday morning.
He said, "Today, in church, I am going to say a single word and you are going to help me preach. Whatever single word I say, I want you to sing whatever hymn comes to your mind."
The pastor shouted out, "Cross!"
Immediately the congregation started singing in unison "The Old Rugged Cross."
The pastor hollered out, "Grace!" The congregation began to sing "Amazing Grace, how sweet the sound."
The pastor said, "Power!" The congregation sang "There is Power in the Blood."
The Pastor said, "Sex!"
The congregation fell in total silence. Everyone was in shock. They all nervously began to look around at each other, afraid to say anything. Then all of a sudden, from the back of the church, a little old 87-year-old grandmother stood up and began to sing "Precious Memories."
#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Wednesday, 14 October 2015
  • Currently 8.73/10

Rating: 8.7/10 (11)

Jokes Archive

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