Jokes of the day for Thursday, 26 December 2019
| Funny jokes, funny photo and funny video collected from the internet on Thursday, 26 December 2019 |
Judge: I hope you realize what
Judge: I hope you realize what awaits you if you give false evidence?Witness (gleefully): I surely do. Ten thousand Euros and a new BMW X6.
The local trade school
“The local trade school did not have enough students for their electrical course and thus decided to give it a plug.”
Daddy Is Going To War
The following is supposedly a true story relating a situation that actually occurred during the war.
During the Persian Gulf War, I was assigned to go to Saudi Arabia. As I was saying good-bye to my family, my three-year-old son, Christopher, was holding on to my leg and pleading with me not to leave. "No, Daddy, please don't go!" he kept repeating.
We were beginning to make a scene when my wife, desperate to calm him, said, "Let Daddy go and I'll take you to get a pizza."
Immediately, Christopher loosened his death grip, stepped back and in a calm voice said, "'Bye, Daddy."
Wrong Number
You have $400 and your daughter calls and needs $250. Later on you son calls and needs $100.
What do you have left?
$400 and 2 missed calls!
Honey, has anyone ever told you....
After the party, as the couple was driving home, the woman asks her husband, "Honey, has anyone ever told you how handsome, sexy and irresistible to women you are?"
The flattered husband said, "No, dear they haven't."
The wife yells, "Then what the heck gave you THAT idea at the party tonight?"
A young blonde was on vacation...
A young blonde was on vacation in the depths of Louisiana. She wanted a pair of genuine alligator shoes in the worst way, but was very reluctant to pay the high prices the local vendors were asking. After becoming very frustrated with the "no haggle" attitude of one of the shopkeepers, the blonde shouted, "Maybe I'll just go out and catch my own alligator so I can get a pair of shoes at a reasonable price!" The shopkeeper said, "By all means, be my guest. Maybe you'll luck out and catch yourself a big one!"
Determined, the blonde turned and headed for the swamps, set on catching herself an alligator.
Later in the day, the shopkeeper is driving home, when he spots the young woman standing waist deep in the water, shotgun in hand. Just then, he sees a huge 9 foot alligator swimming quickly toward her.
She takes aim, kills the creature and with a great deal of effort hauls it on to the swamp bank. Laying nearby were several more of the dead creatures. The shopkeeper watches in amazement. Just then the blonde flips the alligator on it's back, and frustrated, shouts out, "Damn it, this one isn't wearing any shoes either!"
Sexy Poem
sex is when a guys communication, enters a girls information
to increse the population
for a younger genertion
do you get the information
or do you need a demonstaration
Mixed Messages Watch the Spell Check or Auto Check
Hi, Fred, this is Alan next door.
I have a confession to make. I have been riddled with guilt these past few months and have been trying to get up the courage to tell you face-to-face, but I am at least telling you in a text as I cannot live with myself a moment longer without you knowing. The truth is I have been sharing your wife, day and night when you’re not around. In fact, probably more than you. I haven’t been getting it at home recently, but I know that’s no excuse. The temptation was just too great. I can no longer live with the guilt and hope that you will accept my sincerest apology and forgive me. It won’t happen again. Please suggest a fee for usage and I’ll pay you.
Regards, Alan.
NEIGHBOR’S RESPONSE*
Fred, feeling so angered and betrayed, then grabbed his gun and shot his neighbour Alan dead. He returned home, poured himself a stiff drink, and sat down on the sofa. Fred took out his phone where he saw a second message from Alan.
SECOND MESSAGE*
Hi, Fred, this is Alan next door, again.
Sorry about the typo on my last text. I expect that you figured it out and noticed that darned Auto-Correct changed “wi-fi” to “wife.” That’s today’s technology for you, hey?
Regards, Alan
Jimmy and Johnny
Two guys, Jimmy and Johnny, were standing at heaven's gate, waiting to be interviewed by St. Peter.
Jimmy: "How did you get here?"
Johnny: "Hypothermia. You?"
Jimmy: "You won't believe it. I was sure my wife was cheating on me, so I came home early one day hoping to find the guy. I accused my wife of unfaithfulness and searched the whole house without any luck. Then I felt so badly about the whole thing I had a massive heart attack."
Johnny: "Oh, man, if you had checked the walk-in freezer we'd both be alive!"
Insurance
Larry's barn burned down and his wife, Susan, called the insurance company.
Susan told the insurance company, "We had that barn insured for fifty thousand and I want my money."
The agent replied, "Whoa there, just a minute, Susan. Insurance doesn't work quite like that. We will ascertain the value of what was insured and provide you with a new one of comparable worth."
There was a long pause before Susan replied, "Then I'd like to cancel the policy on my husband."
The Truth About Cats and Dogs
A dog thinks: Hey, these people I live with feed me, love me, provide me with a nice warm, dry house, pet me, and take good care of me... They must be Gods!A cat thinks: Hey, these people I live with feed me, love me, provide me with a nice warm, dry house, pet me, and take good care of me... I must be a God!
24 Leap Day Jokes - Make Every February 29th memorable
Trying to figure out why 2024 will be longer than 2023…
But so far, nothing leaps to mind.
What’s a great thing about leap-year jokes?
That you only hear them repeated every 4 years.
If a leap year has 366 days, what do you call a year with 365 days?
A light year.
Why did the man get arrested on Leap Day?
Because he was doing 29 in a 28 zone.
What do you call a frog born on February 29?
A leap frog
What do Lawyers do on leap day?
They jump to conclusions
How do you know it’s almost Leap Day?
When it is only a hop, skip and a jump away.
What do athletes wear during a Leap Year?
Jumpsuits.
What do kids play during a Leap Year?
Hop-scotch.
What do you call a surgery during a Leap Year?
A hop-eration.
Birthdays are good for your health.
Studies have shown that people with more birthdays live longer.
RIP people born on the 29th of February.
October 31st should be a leap year.
One day you’re having a good time with Halloween. Then it’s 3 years of being ghosted.
Today is a leap day.
Guess you should jump with joy.
Yo mama so old, she even lived through the first leap year.
Are you gonna buy into an annual subscription of any kind?
Do it on February 29, you might get it free for the next four years based on poor code!
Happy 2025 to all.
Remember we must skip 2024 — it’s a leap year.
What kind of music do you listen to on Leap Day?
Hip Hop
How did the leap year party go?
It was jumping all night long!
Why did the calendar feel unbalanced during leap years?
Because it had an extra day to juggle!
Why don't lions like Leap Day?
Because they are always jumping through hoops.
What does a captain do on Leap Day?
Jump ship.
I'm going to get married on February 29th, so I only have to remember our anniversary once every 4 years.
Why was February so popular with the other months?
Because it brought an extra day of fun to the party!
Why don’t we ever plan important events on February 29th?
Because it’s too risky to take a leap of faith!
