Jokes of the day for Thursday, 05 March 2020

"If a man has a beautiful sten

"If a man has a beautiful stenographer, do you suppose that will cause him to take more interest in his business?" asked Mr. Piglatch.
"I don't know whether he will take more interest in his business," said Mr. Peckton, thoughtfully, "but his wife will."

“Should we give arson

“Should we give arsonists a punishment to fit the crime, or would that just be adding fools to the fire?”

Here is an actual sign posted

Here is an actual sign posted at a golf club in Scotland UK:
1. Back Straight, Knees Bent, Feet Shoulder Width Apart.
2. Form A Loose Grip.
3. Keep Your Head Down!
4. Avoid A Quick Back Swing.
5. Stay Out Of The Water.
6. Try Not To Hit Anyone.
7. If You Are Taking Too Long, Let Others Go Ahead Of You.
8. Don't Stand Directly In Front Of Others.
9. Quiet Please...While Others Are Preparing.
10. Don't Take Extra Strokes.
Well Done. Now, Flush The Urinal, Go Outside, And Tee Off.

 Fixing An Ailment

In Ireland there is a mental institution that every year picks two of it's most reformed patients and questions them. If they get the questions right they are free to leave. This year the two lucky patients were Patty and Mike. They were called down to the office and left there by the orderly. They were told to wait as the doctor got their files. The doctor came out and motioned for Patty to come in for her questioning.
When Patty came into the office, she was instructed to sit in the seat across from the doctor. "Patty, you know the tradition of this institution so I imagine you know why you are here. You will be asked two questions, and if you get them right, you will be free to go. Do you understand all that you have been told?" said the doctor with a rather sly grin. Patty nodded, and the doctor began to question her.
The first question was this: "Patty, if I was to poke out one of your eyes, what would happen?" "I would be half blind of course," Patty answered without much thought. "What would happen if I poked out the other eye?" "I would be completely blind," said Patty knowing that she had just gotten her freedom. The doctor then sent her outside while he drew up the paperwork and accessed Mike's files.
When Patty got into the waiting room however, she told Mike what the questions would be and what the correct answers were. The doctor calls in Mike and he followed the same procedure that he had with Patty. "Mike, the first question is what would happen if I cut off your ear?" "I would be blind in one eye," he said remembering what he had been told.
This received a perplexed look from the doctor but he just simply asks the other question so that he could figure out what the man was thinking. "Mike, what would happen if I cut off your other ear?" "I would be completely blind," he answered with a smile as if he knew he had passed.
But then the doctor asked him what his reasoning was, and he said flatly, "Me hat would fall down over me eyes."

The Trained Scientist

First Mouse: I finally got that scientist trained.
Second Mouse: How so?
First Mouse: Every time I go through the maze and ring the bell, he gives me something to eat.

What guys really mean...

'I'm going fishing.'
Really means... 'I'm going to drink myself dangerously stupid
and stand by a stream with a stick in my hand, while the fish
swim by in complete safety.'

'It's a guy thing.'
Really means.... 'There is no rational thought pattern
connected with it, and you have no chance at all of making
it logical.'

'Can I help with dinner?'
Really means... 'Why isn't it already on the table?'

'Uh huh,' 'Sure, honey,' or 'Yes, dear.'
Really means... Absolutely nothing. It's a conditioned
response.

'It would take too long to explain.'
Really means... 'I have no idea how it works.'

'I'm getting more exercise lately.'
Really means... 'The batteries in the remote are dead.'

'We're going to be late.'
Really means... 'Now I have a legitimate excuse to drive like
a maniac.'

'Take a break, honey, you're working too hard.'
Really means....'I can't hear the game over the vacuum
cleaner.'

'That's interesting, dear.'
Really means... 'Are you still talking?'

'Honey, we don't need material things to prove our love.'
Really means... 'I forgot our anniversary again.'

'You expect too much of me.'
Really means... 'You want me to stay awake?'

'That's women's work.'
Really means... 'It's difficult, dirty, and thankless.'

'You know how bad my memory is.'
Really means... 'I remember the theme song to 'F Troop',
the address of the first girl I ever kissed and the Vehicle
Identification Numbers of every car I've ever owned, but I
forgot your birthday.'

'Oh, don't fuss. I just cut myself, it's no big deal.'
Really means... 'I have severed a limb, but will bleed to
death before I admit I'm hurt.'

'I do help around the house.'
Really means... 'I once put a dirty towel in the laundry
basket.'

'Hey, I've got my reasons for what I'm doing.'
Really means... 'I sure hope I think of some reasons pretty
soon.'

'I can't find it.'
Really means... 'It didn't fall into my outstretched hands, so
I'm completely clueless.'

'What did I do this time?'
Really means... 'What did you catch me doing?'

'I heard you.'
Really means... 'I haven't the foggiest clue what you just
said, and I'm hoping desperately that I can fake it well
enough so that you don't spend the next days yelling at
me.'

'You look terrific.'
Really means... 'Oh, God, please don't try on one more
outfit. I'm starving.'

'I missed you.'
Really means... 'I can't find my sock drawer, the kids are
hungry and we are out of toilet paper.'

'I'm not lost. I know exactly where we are.'
Really means... 'I'm lost. I have no idea where we are,
and no one will ever see us alive again.'

'We share the housework.'
Really means... 'I make the messes, you clean them up.'

'This relationship is getting too serious.'
Really means... 'You're cutting into the time I spend with
my truck.'

'I don't need to read the instructions.'
Really means... 'I am perfectly capable of screwing it up
without printed help.'

Setting a meeting with a cepha

Setting a meeting with a cephalopod requires some squid iCal thinking.

Three old men

Three old men are talking about their aches, pains and bodily dysfunctions.

One 75-year-old man says: "I have this problem. I wake up every morning at 7 a.m. and it takes me 20 minutes to pee."

An 80-year-old man says: "My case is worse. I get up at 8 a.m. and I sit there and grunt and groan for half an hour before I finally have a bowel movement."

The 90-year-old man says: "Not me. At 7 a.m. I pee like a horse and at 8 a.m. I crap like a cow."

"So what's your problem?" asked the others.

"I don't wake up until 9:00."

Bill Burr: What Cubicles Say

You know what a cubicle basically says? It basically says, like, You know what? We dont think youre smart enough for an office, but we dont want you to look at anybody.

Jon Lajoie: Mysteries of the Universe

I have this thing that I do called Mysteries of the Universe, when I gaze up at the countless stars and infinite galaxies. I realize how small and insignificant my girlfriend is. So, I get drunk and cheat on her with my 18-year-old neighbor.

I Dare You

At a church meeting, a very wealthy man rose to tell the rest of those present about his Christian faith.
"I'm a millionaire," he said, "and I attribute it all to the rich blessings of God in my life. I remember that turning point in my faith. I had just earned my first dollar and I went to a church meeting that night. The speaker was a missionary who told about his work. I knew that I only had a dollar bill and I had to either give it all to God's work or give nothing at all. So at that moment, I decided to give my whole dollar to God. I believe that God blessed that decision, and that is why I am a rich man today."
When he finished and moved toward his seat, there was an awed silence As he sat down, a little old lady sitting in the same pew leaned over and said to him, "I dare you to do it again."

Pope has email

The Vatican has unveiled a email address for the new Pope.

In related news, the Pope has received a confidential financial offer from the President of Nigeria.

Wake up call

A man and his wife were having some problems and were giving each other the silent treatment. The next week, the man realized that he'd need his wife to wake him at 5 a.m. for an early flight.

Not wanting to be the first to break the silence, he finally wrote on a piece of paper: "Please wake me at 5 a.m."

The next morning the man woke up, only to discover it was 9 a.m. and he'd missed his flight.

Furious, he was about to go and scream at his wife when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed that said: "It's 5 a.m. Wake up.

My beautiful family

I always wanted to win the lottery. But when i looked at my beautiful family, i realized i already have.

You see a gorgeous girl at a p...

You see a gorgeous girl at a party.
You go up to her and say, "I am very rich. Marry me!"

That's Direct Marketing.


You’re at a party with a bunch of friends and see a gorgeous girl.
One of your friends goes up to her and pointing at you and says,
"He's very rich. Marry him."

That's Advertising.


You see a gorgeous girl at a party.
You go up to her and get her telephone number.
The next day you call and say, "Hi, I’m very rich. Marry me."

That's Telemarketing.


You're at a party and see a gorgeous girl.
You get up and straighten your tie; you walk up to her and pour
her a drink.
You open the door for her; pick up her bag after she drops it,
offer her a ride, and then say,
"By the way, I'm very rich. Will you marry me?"

That's Public Relations.


You're at a party and see a gorgeous girl.
She walks up to you and says, "You are very rich."

That's Brand Recognition.


You see a gorgeous girl at a party.
You go up to her and say, "I'm rich. Marry me"
She gives you a nice hard slap on your face.

That's Customer Feedback!!!!