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Jokes of the day for Wednesday, 25 March 2020

Funny jokes, funny photo and funny video collected from the internet on Wednesday, 25 March 2020

“The snow removal com

“The snow removal company said they try to plow sense into people wanting to use shovels.”

#joke #short
Joke | Source: Jokes of the Day - Funny puns and jokes - the largest collection of humorous jokes on the internet. New pun added daily.
  • Currently 3.82/10

Rating: 3.8/10 (11)

Husband 1: I am the boss of th

Husband 1: I am the boss of the house. I couldn't find cold water in the house, so I shouted for hot water and got it immediately.
Husband 2: Wow, that's great. Is it for drinking or bathing?
Husband 1: It was for washing the dishes.
#joke #short
Joke | Source: Smilezilla - Daily Jokes and Funny Stories
  • Currently 5.08/10

Rating: 5.1/10 (12)

Running Out Of Fuel

My friend is notorious for waiting until the needle is on empty before filling his gas tank. Finally his car died on him, and we had to push it to the nearest filling station. After my friend finished pumping gas, the attendant asked if he had learned anything.
“Yeah,” my friend muttered, “I learned I have a 15-gallon tank.”

#joke
Joke | Source: A joke a day - Free Jokes of the Day Clean Funny Jokes via Email, Humor and Entertainment
  • Currently 7.70/10

Rating: 7.7/10 (10)

New Years Resolutions

An overweight business associate of mine decided it was time to shed some excess pounds. He took his new diet seriously, even changing his driving route to avoid his favorite bakery.

One morning, however, he arrived at work carrying a gigantic coffeecake. We all scolded him, but his smile remained cherubic.

"This is a very special coffeecake," he explained. "I accidentally drove by the bakery this morning and there in the window were a host of goodies. I felt this was no accident, so I prayed, `Lord, if you want me to have one of those delicious coffeecakes, let me have a parking place directly in front of the bakery.'

"And sure enough," he continued, "the eighth time around the block, there it was!"

#joke #newyear
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Friday, 31 March 2017
  • Currently 8.32/10

Rating: 8.3/10 (19)

 Knock Knock Collection 0


Knock Knock
Who's there?
Alfalfa!
Alfalfa who?
Alfalfa you, if you give me a kiss!
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Alfie!
Alfie who?
Alfie terrible if you leave!
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Alfred!
Alfred who!
Alfred of the dark!
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Alfred!
Alfred who!
Alfred the needle if you sew!
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Ali!
Ali who?
Ali, Ali oxen free!

#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Saturday, 03 December 2016
  • Currently 3.82/10

Rating: 3.8/10 (11)

After the North American Beer

After the North American Beer Festival, all the brewery presidents decided to go out for a beer.
The guy from Corona sits down and says, "Hey Señor, I would like the world’s best beer, a Corona."
The bartender dusts off a bottle from the shelf and gives it to him.
The guy from Budweiser says, "I’d like the best beer in the world, give me ‘The King of Beers,’ a Budweiser."
The bartender gives him one.
The guy from Coors says, "I’d like the only beer made with Rocky Mountain spring water, give me a Coors." He gets it.
The guy from Molson sits down and says, "Give me a Coke."
The bartender is a little taken aback, but gives him what he ordered.
The other brewery presidents look over at him and ask, "Why aren’t you drinking a Molson’s?"
The Molson president replies, "Well, I figured if you guys aren’t drinking beer, neither would I."
#joke #drinks #coke #beer
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Thursday, 11 December 2014
  • Currently 7.70/10

Rating: 7.7/10 (10)

When the college dormitory tam...

When the college dormitory tampon machine broke, they declared a coed red.
#joke #short
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Thursday, 24 November 2011
  • Currently 4.00/10

Rating: 4.0/10 (13)

The Sklar Brothers: Aggressive Advertising

Jason Sklar: It was the most aggressive advertisement weve ever seen. It was a bus bench ad advertising bus bench ads.

Randy Sklar: It was like the M.C. Escher of advertising
#joke #short
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Thursday, 25 March 2010
  • Currently 3.85/10

Rating: 3.8/10 (53)

Chelsea Peretti: Getting Attacked

I always think, what would I do if someone tried to get me? My first thought is just something dumb, like Id try to pick my nose and just be gross. In my mind a rapist is just some white hat frat boy whod just be like, Ugh nasty, forget it. Learn some manners.
#joke #short
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Friday, 25 March 2011
  • Currently 3.11/10

Rating: 3.1/10 (53)

Answering Machine Message 251


Alpha Centauri Space Station. Commander Marlin can't come to the phone right now. He's either saving the universe from some dread, unnamed peril, or perhaps taking a nappie. Leave your name and number after the beep and he will return your call.

#joke #short
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Friday, 25 March 2011
  • Currently 4.00/10

Rating: 4.0/10 (49)

School Report

Our 15-year-old daughter, Melanie, had to write a report for school about World War II, specifically D-Day and the invasion of Normandy.

“Isn't there a movie about that?” she asked.

I told her there was, but I couldn't think of the name.

Then it came to her, “Oh, I remember! Isn't it something like ‘Finding Private Nemo'?”

#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Sunday, 25 March 2012
  • Currently 4.16/10

Rating: 4.2/10 (44)

Our Favorite Lightbulb Jokes

HOW MANY ZEN BUDDHISTS DOES IT TAKE TO CHANGE A LIGHTBULB?
A: Three. One to change the lightbulb, one NOT to change the lightbulb, and one to neither change nor not change the lightbulb.
HOW MANY EPISCOPALIANS DOES IT TAKE TO CHANGE A LIGHTBULB?
A: Eight. One to call the electrician, and seven to say how much they liked the old one better.
HOW MANY UNITARIANS DOES IT TAKE TO CHANGE A LIGHTBULB?
A: The Unitarians wish to issue the following statement:
"We choose not to make a statement either in favor of or against the need for a lightbulb; however, if in your own journey you have found that lightbulbs work for you, that is fine. You are invited to write a poem or compose a modern dance about your personal relationship with your lightbulb, and present it next month at our annual lightbulb Sunday service, in which we will explore a number of lightbulb traditions, including incandescent, fluorescent, three-way, long-life and tinted, all of which are equally valid paths to luminescence."
HOW MANY PENTECOSTALS DOES IT TAKE TO CHANGE A LIGHTBULB?
A: Ten. One to change the bulb and nine to pray against the spirit of darkness.

#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Wednesday, 25 March 2009
  • Currently 4.08/10

Rating: 4.1/10 (38)

Fresh short jokes and puns

I suffer from kleptomania.
But when it gets really bad, I take something for it.

What did the duck say after she bought ChapStick?
Put it on my bill!

I’ve been bored recently, so I decided to take up fencing.
The neighbors keep demanding that I put it back.

RIP boiled water
you will be mist

What do Broad Street sprinters eat before a race?
Nothing.
They fast!

Why did the pony get sent to his room?
He wouldn’t stop horsing around!

What did one plate say to the other?
Dinner is on me!

What did the buffalo say to his son when he dropped him off at school?
"Bison!"

Can February March?
No, but April May.

I’m writing a book about glue.
I’m stuck on the first chapter.

I’m so good at sleeping,
I can do it with my eyes closed.

Why are spiders so smart?
They can find everything on the web.

Knock, knock. Who’s there?
Theodore.
Theodore who?
Theodore wasn’t opened so I knocked!

#joke #animal #buffalo #food #dinner
Joke | Source: Jokes of The Day - By Jokes of the day visitor
  • Currently 8.44/10

Rating: 8.4/10 (9)

An act of kindness....

A travel agent looked up from his desk to see an older lady and an older gentleman peering in the shop window at the posters showing the glamorous destinations around the world. The agent had had a good week and the dejected couple looking in the window gave him a rare feeling of generosity.

He called them into his shop and said, "I know that on your pension you could never hope to have a holiday, so I am sending you off to a fabulous resort at my expense, and I won't take no for an answer."

He took them inside and asked his secretary to write two flight tickets and book a room in a five star hotel. They, as can be expected, gladly accepted, and were on their way.

About a month later the little lady came in to his shop.

"And how did you like your holiday?" he asked eagerly.

"The flight was exciting and the room was lovely," she said. "I've come to thank you. But, one thing puzzled me. Who was that old guy I had to share the room with?"

#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Friday, 20 November 2015
  • Currently 9.36/10

Rating: 9.4/10 (22)

Guy's sitting on the couch...

Guy's sitting on the couch. From the kitchen he hears, "Babe.... can you help me?"

He goes to the kitchen. "What are you doing?"

She says, "I'm trying to do this jigsaw puzzle."

"What's it supposed to be?" he asks.

She picks up the box. "A Rooster."

"Honey," he says. "Let's put the cornflakes back in the box....."

#joke #animal #rooster #food #honey
Joke | Source: Reddit Jokes: Get Your Funny On! - The funniest sub on reddit. Hundreds of jokes posted each day, and some of them aren't even reposts!
  • Currently 9.64/10

Rating: 9.6/10 (14)

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