Jokes of the day for Sunday, 29 March 2020

The bas

The baseball player's swing was so good, some said it defied the Laws of Physics. The critics, however, claimed his bat was quarked.

A pretty young college student...

A pretty young college student visited her professor's office after class. She glanced down the hall, closed his door and knelt down before him.
"I would do anything to pass this exam," she said. Leaning closer, she whispered seductively, "I mean, I would do anything."
He looked down at her and said, "You'll do anything?"
"Anything," she replied again.
His voice softened. "Anything," he repeated.
She smiled and again said, "Anything."
His voice turned to a whisper. "Would you...study?"

Married or Divorced

In my Sunday school class the focus was marriage or divorce, "The rapidly increasing divorce rate," remarked one member of the group, "indicates that America is indeed becoming the land of the free."
"Yes," replied the prosaic friend, "but the continued marriage rate suggests that America is still the home of the brave."

A man had a ticket for the the

A man had a ticket for the theater butwhen he was seated by the usher,he found that he was just too far from the stage.
He whispered to the usher, "This is a mystery playand I have to watch a mystery close up.Get me a better seat, and I'll give you a great tip."
The usher discreetly moves him up to the second row andthe man hands the usher a crisp $1.00 bill.
The usher looks at the dollar, frowns at him,then leans over and whispers . . . "The butler did it."

“He built his entire

“He built his entire itch-cream business from scratch.”

The latest mergers

Are your investments in order? Below are some of the latest rumors from Wall Street. In the wake of the AOL/Time Warner deal, here are the latest mergers we can expect to see:

Hale Business Systems, Mary Kay Cosmetics, Fuller Brush, and W.R. Grace Company merge to become Hale Mary Fuller Grace.

Polygram Records, Warner Brothers, and Keebler Crackers merge to become Polly-Warner-Cracker.

3M and Goodyear merge to become MMMGood.

John Deere and Abitibi-Price merge to become Deere Abi.

Zippo Manufacturing, Audi Motors, Dofasco, and Dakota Mining merge to become Zip Audi Do Da.

Honeywell, Imasco, and Home Oil merge to become Honey I'm Home.

Denison Mines, and Alliance and Metal Mining merge to become Mine All Mine.

Federal Express and UPS merge to become FED UP.

Xerox and Wurlitzer will merge and begin manufacturing reproductive organs.

Fairchild Electronics and Honeywell Computers will merge and become Fairwell Honeychild.

3M, J.C. Penney and the Canadian Opera Company will merge and become 3 Penney Opera.

Knott's Berry Farm & National Organization of Women will merge and become Knott NOW!

 Yo Mama Is So Short

Yo mama so short she poses for trophies!
Yo mama so short you can see her feet on her drivers lisence!
Yo mama so short she has to use a ladder to pick up a dime.
Yo mama so short she can play handball on the curb.
Yo mama so short she does backflips under the bed.
Yo mama so short she models for trophys.

 A Very Faithful Woman

An elderly lady was well-known for her faith and for her boldness in talking about it. She would stand on her front porch and shout "PRAISE THE LORD!"
Next door to her lived an atheist who would get so angry at her proclamations he would shout, "There ain't no Lord!!"
Hard times set in on the elderly lady, and she prayed for GOD to send her some assistance. She stood on her porch and shouted "PRAISE THE LORD. GOD I NEED FOOD!! I AM HAVING A HARD TIME. PLEASE LORD, SEND ME SOME GROCERIES!!"
The next morning the lady went out on her porch and noted a large bag of groceries and shouted, "PRAISE THE LORD."
The neighbor jumped from behind a bush and said, "Aha! I told you there was no Lord. I bought those groceries, God didn't."
The lady started jumping up and down and clapping her hands and said, "PRAISE THE LORD. He not only sent me groceries, but He made the devil pay for them. Praise the Lord!"

A child comes home from his fi...

A child comes home from his first day at school.
His mother asks, "Well, what did you learn today?"
The kid replies, "Not enough. They want me to come back tomorrow."

From The Blonde Files

Jack, a handsome man, walked into a sports bar around 9:58 pm. He sat down next to this blonde at the bar and stared up at the TV...
The 10:00 news was on. The news crew was covering a story of a man on a ledge of a large building preparing to jump. The blonde looked at Jack and said, 'Do you think he'll jump?' Jack says, 'You know what, I bet he will.' The blonde replied, 'Well, I bet he won't.' Jack placed $30 on the bar and said, 'You're on!'
Just as the blonde placed her money on the bar, the guy did a swan dive off of the building, falling to his death. The blonde was very upset and handed her $30 to Jack, saying, 'Fair's fair... Here's your money.' Jack replied, 'I can't take your money, I saw this earlier on the 5 o'clock news and knew he would jump.
'The blonde replies, 'I did too; but I didn't think he'd do it again.' Jack took the money..

Yo mama is so short

Yo mama so short she poses for trophies!

Yo mama so short you can see her feet on her drivers lisence!

Yo mama so short she has to use a ladder to pick up a dime.

Yo mama so short she can play handball on the curb.

Yo mama so short she does backflips under the bed.

Yo mama so short she models for trophys.

Andy Kindler: Celebrating Suffering

Jewish people, we dont believe in Hell or a future place to suffer. Were suffering right now. Every one of our holidays celebrates how much weve suffered. Passover -- were celebrating 5,000 years ago, God passed over our houses and murdered all the Egyptians. Were celebrating, Hey, thank God we didnt get slaughtered.

My Grandson Is A Genius

I'm beginning to think my five year old grandson is a genius...
I can't tell his paintings from that of Picasso!

A woman and a baby were in the...

A woman and a baby were in the doctor's examining room, waiting for the Doctor to come in for the baby's first exam. The Doctor arrived, examined the baby, checked his weight, and seeming a little concerned, asked if the baby was breast-fed or bottle-fed.
"Breast-fed," she replied.
"Strip down to your waist," the Doctor said. She did. He pinched her nipples, then pressed, kneaded, and rubbed both breasts for awhile in a detailed examination. Motioning her to get dressed, he said, "No wonder this baby is underweight, you don't have any milk."
"I know," she said, "I'm his Grandma, but I'm glad I came."

A Doctors Lecture

A Doctor was addressing a large audience. "The material we put into our stomachs is enough to have killed most of us sitting here, years ago.
Red meat is awful. Soft drinks corrode your stomach lining. Chinese food is loaded with MSG. High fat diets can be disastrous, and none of us realizes the long-term harm caused by the germs in our drinking water. But there is one thing that is the most dangerous of all and we all have, or will, eat it. Can anyone here tell me what food it is that causes the most grief and suffering for years after eating it?"
After several seconds of quiet, a 75-year-old man in the front row raised his hand, and softly said, "Wedding Cake."