Jokes of the day for Thursday, 07 May 2020

I come from a village of mapma

I come from a village of mapmakers. When I left home my parents said ‘Son, never forget your routes.'

At a girl's college dormitory

At a girl's college dormitory, dates were permitted only on Saturday night. One young man showed up on a Tuesday evening, explaining to an older woman in the lobby of the dorm that it was imperative he see a certain young lady immediately.
"I want to surprise her. You see, I'm her brother."
"Oh, she'll be surprised all right," said the woman. "But think of how surprised I am! I'm her mother!"

“When the drug dealer

“When the drug dealers got divorced, they agreed to joint custody.”

What Did You Do?

Aviator: First one wing came off and then the other.
Listener: What did you do?
Aviator: I grabbed a drumstick and had a second helping.

One Sunday, in counting the mo

One Sunday, in counting the money in the weekly offering, the pastorof a small Florida church found a pink envelope containing $1000. Ithappened again the next week. The following Sunday, he watched asthe offering was collected and saw a little old lady put thedistinctive pink envelope in the plate.
This went on for weeks until the pastor, overcome by curiosity,approached her. "Ma'am, I couldn't help but notice that you put $1,000a week in the collection plate," he stated.
"Why yes," she replied, "every week my son sends me money, and Igive some of it to the church."
The pastor replied, "That's wonderful, how much does he send you?"
The old lady said, "$10,000 a week."
The pastor was amazed. "Your son is very successful; what does he dofor a living?"
"He is a veterinarian," she answered.
"That is an honorable profession," the pastor said. "Where does hepractice?"
The old lady said proudly, "In Nevada. He has two cat houses in LasVegas and one in Reno."

The test

Two young engineers applied for a single position at a computer company.

They both had the same qualifications. In order to determine which individual to hire, the applicants were asked to take a test by the Department manager.

Upon completion of the test, both men missed only one of the questions.

The manager went to the first applicant and said, "Thank you for your interest, but we've decided to give the job to the other applicant."

"And why would you be doing that? We both got 9 questions correct," asked the rejected applicant.

"We have based our decision not on the correct answers, but on the question you missed," said the Department manager.

"And just how would one incorrect answer be better than the other?" the rejected applicant inquired.

"Simple," said the Department manager, "Your fellow applicant put down on question #5, 'I don't know.' You put down, 'Neither do I.'"

 New Way To Herd Cattle

The following is supposedly a true story. To be included, besides being true, the story is most likely strange, weird, surprising, or funny.
Wednesday, October 21, 1992
A Japanese rancher told reporters in Tokyo in July that he herds cattle by outfitting them with pocket pagers (beepers), which he calls from his portable phone.
After a week of training, the cows associate the beeping with eating and hustle up for grub.

Black Eyes

A man walked into work on Monday with two black eyes. His boss asked what happened.
The man said, "I was sitting behind a big woman at church. When we stood up to sing hymns, I noticed that her dress was caught in her crack, so I pulled it out. She turned around and punched me square in the eye."
"Where did you get the other shiner?" the boss asked.

"Well," the man said, "I figured she didn't want it out, so I pushed it back in."

Chuck Norris is not his full n...

Chuck Norris is not his full name, there's a silent "fist".

A fellow bought a new Mercedes...

A fellow bought a new Mercedes and was out on the interstate for a nice evening drive. The top was down, the breeze was blowing through what was left of his hair and he decided to open her up. As the needle jumped up to 80 mph, he suddenly saw flashing red and blue lights behind him. "There's no way they can catch a Mercedes," he thought to himself and opened her up further. The needle hit 90, 100.... Then the reality of the situation hit him.

"What am I doing?" he thought and pulled over. The cop came up to him, took his license without a word and examined it and the car. "It's been a long day, this is the end of my shift and it's Friday the 13th. I don't feel like more paperwork, so if you can give me an excuse for your driving that I haven't heard before, you can go."

The guy thinks for a second and says, "Last week my wife ran off with a cop. I was afraid you were trying to give her back!"

"Have a nice weekend," said the officer.

Really Good Deed

This guy arrives at the Pearly Gates. He has to wait to be admitted, while St. Pete leafs through his Big Book.

He's checking to see if the guy is worthy of entry or not. Saint Peter goes through the books several times, furrows his brow, and says to the guy, "You know, I can't see that you did lots of good in your life but, you never did anything bad either.

Tell you what, if you can tell me of one REALLY good deed that you did in your life, you're in."

The guy thinks for a moment and says, "Well, there was this one time when I was drivin' down the highway and I saw a Biker Gang assaulting this poor girl. I slowed down my car to see what was going on, and sure enough, that's what they were doing. There were about 50 of 'em torturing this chick.

Infuriated, I got out my car, grabbed a tire iron from my trunk and walked straight up to the leader of the gang. He was a huge guy with a studded leather jacket and a chain running from his nose to his ear. As I walked up to the leader, the Gang formed a circle all around me.

So I ripped the leader's chain off his face and smashed him over the head with the tire iron. Then I turned around and yelled to the rest of them, 'Leave this poor, innocent girl alone, you slime! You're all a bunch of sick, deranged animals! Go home before I teach you all a lesson in pain!'"

St. Peter, extremely impressed, says, "Really? Wow, when did all this happen?"

"Er.. about two minutes ago."

Traffic circle

Ditzy friend to another: "I failed the driving test. I entered the traffic circle and the sign said '30 mph' so I drove 30 times around."
The other friend responds sympathetically, "You probably counted wrong."

A lawyer walks into a bar. He...

A lawyer walks into a bar. He sees a beautiful, well-dressed woman sitting on a bar stool.
He walks up to her and says, "Hi there, how's it going tonight?"
She turns to him, looks him straight in the eyes and says, "I'll screw anybody at any time, any where -- your place or my place, it doesn't matter one iota."
The guy raises his eyebrows and says, "No shit!?! What law firm do you work for?"

Kia vs Rolls-Royce

A man driving a Kia stops at a traffic light next to a Rolls-Royce.

The Kia driver rolls down his window and calls out to the Rolls-Royce driver, "Hey, pal, that's an impressive car. Does your Rolls have Wi-Fi? My Kia does!"
The Rolls-Royce driver replies, "Yes, it has Wi-Fi."

The Kia driver continues, "Nice! And do you have a fridge in there? I have a fridge in the backseat of my Kia!"
The Rolls-Royce driver, getting irritated, responds, "Yes, there's a refrigerator."

Not backing down, the Kia driver asks, "That's cool, man! What about a TV? I've got a TV in my Kia's backseat!"
The Rolls-Royce driver, increasingly annoyed, says, "Yes, there's a television. A Rolls-Royce is the epitome of luxury vehicles!"

The Kia driver says, "Amazing car! But, do you have a bed in there? I've got a bed in the back of my Kia!"
Frustrated that his car lacks a bed, the Rolls-Royce driver speeds off. He heads straight to the dealership and orders a bed to be installed in his Rolls. The following morning, he picks up his car, and the bed looks fantastic, complete with silk sheets and elegant brass accents. It's undoubtedly a bed suited for a Rolls-Royce.

The Rolls-Royce driver spends the entire day searching for the Kia. Finally, late that night, he spots the Kia parked with fogged-up windows. He gets out of his Rolls-Royce and knocks on the Kia's window. At first, there's no response, but then the owner pokes his head out, dripping wet.

"I now have a bed in the back of my Rolls-Royce," the Rolls-Royce driver declares smugly.
The Kia driver replies, "Did you really drag me out of the shower just to tell me that?!"

Patton Oswalt: Makeover Shows

All these shows like I Want a Famous Face and The Swan -- basically what that is, is people go on national TV, and they tell America, I dont like how I look. Im so against growing an original personality or developing charm, Id rather have someone take a knife to my skull.