Jokes of the day for Sunday, 16 August 2020

The young male race horse came

The young male race horse came from a long line of winners, and did wonderfully in workouts. However, in actual races he proved a little too romantic, and could never quite bring himself to pass a mare. So one day the trainer went to him and told him he'd have to be castrated.
The young horse, knowing that it was either this or the glue factory, took it philosophically. After all, having the operation was almost a certain guarantee of a long and illustrious racing career. After a short recovery period, the horse was again run in workouts, and found to do as well as ever.
But the first time he actually ran in a race, he only went about ten paces, before getting a dejected look on his face, turning around, and ambling back to the starting gates.
"What's the matter?" asked the trainer, "you were doing great!"
"Yeah, well how would you feel," replied the horse, "if five thousand people took one look at you and shouted 'they're off!'?"

Sprayed Deodorant

I accidentally sprayed deodorant in my mouth.
Now when I talk, I have this weird axe scent.

“I knew a chemist who

“I knew a chemist who use to periodically build tables.”

A Royal Pain in the ...

A big-shot businessman had to spend a couple of days in the hospital. He was a royal pain to the nurses because he bossed them around just like he did his employees.

None of the hospital staff wanted to have anything to do with him. The head nurse was the only one who could stand up to him.

She came into his room and announced, "I have to take your temperature." After complaining for several minutes, he finally settled down, crossed his arms and opened his mouth.

"No, I'm sorry," the nurse stated, "but for this reading, I cannot use an oral thermometer."

This started another round of complaining, but eventually he rolled over and bared his rear end. After feeling the nurse insert the thermometer, he heard her announce, "I have to get something. Now you stay JUST LIKE THAT until I get back."

She left the door to his room open on her way out. He cursed under his breath as he heard people walking past his door, laughing.

After almost an hour, the man's doctor came into the room.

"What's going on here?" asked the doctor.

Angrily, the man answered, "What's the matter, Doc?" Haven't you ever seen someone having his temperature taken before?"

After a pause, the doctor confessed with a suppressed laugh in his voice, "Well, no, I guess I haven't. Not with a carnation, anyway!"

Handling Teens

A wise old gentleman retired and purchased a modest home near a junior high school. He spent the first few weeks of his retirement in peace and contentment. Then a new school year began. The very next afternoon three young boys, full of youthful, after-school enthusiasm, came down his street, beating merrily on every trash can they encountered. The crashing percussion continued day after day, until finally the wise old man decided it was time to take some action.
The next afternoon, he walked out to meet the young percussionists as they banged their way down the street. Stopping them, he said, "You kids are a lot of fun. I like to see you express your exuberance like that. In fact, I used to do the same thing when I was your age. Will you do me a favor? I'll give you each a dollar if you'll promise to come around every day and do your thing." The kids were elated and continued to do a bang-up job on the trash cans.
After a few days, the old-timer greeted the kids again, but this time he had a sad smile on his face.
"This recession's really putting a big dent in my income," he told them. "From now on, I'll only be able to pay you 50 cents to beat on the cans."
The noisemakers were obviously displeased, but they did accept his offer and continued their afternoon ruckus. A few days later, the wily retiree approached them again as they drummed their way down the street.
"Look," he said, "I haven't received my Social Security check yet, so I'm not going to be able to give you more than 25 cents. Will that be okay?"
"A lousy quarter?" the drum leader exclaimed. "If you think we're going to waste our time, beating these cans around for a quarter, you're nuts! No way, mister. We quit!"
And the old man enjoyed peace.

A Georgia State Trooper pulled

A Georgia State Trooper pulled a car over on I-95 about 2 miles southof the Georgia/South Carolina state line.
When the Trooper asked the driver why he was speeding, the driveranswered that he was a magician and a juggler and he was on his way toSavannah to do a show that night at the Shrine Circus and didn't want to be late.
The Trooper told the driver he was fascinated by juggling, and if the driver would do a little juggling for him that he wouldn't give him aticket.
The driver told the Trooper that he had sent all of his equipment onahead and didn't have anything to juggle.
The Trooper told him that he had some flares in the trunk of hispatrol car and asked if he could juggle them. The juggler stated that hecould, so the Trooper got three flares, lit them and handed them to thejuggler.
While the man was doing his juggling act, a car pulled in behind thepatrol car.
A drunk good old boy, from S.C., got out and watched the performancebriefly, he then went over to the patrol car, opened the rear door andgot in. The Trooper observed him doing this and went over to the patrolcar, opened the door and asked the drunk what he thought he was doing.
The drunk replied, "You might as well take my ass to jail, causethere's no way in hell I can pass that test."

Eating beans gives me a ron...

Eating beans gives me a pulse hating headache.

In 1945, Adolf Hitler was real...

In 1945, Adolf Hitler was really kicked to death by a five year old Chuck Norris.

Little Johnny was sitting in c...

Little Johnny was sitting in class doing math problems when his teacher picked him to answer a question:

"Johnny, if there were five birds sitting on a fence and you shot one with your gun, how many would be left ?"

"None.", replied Johnny. "'cause the rest would fly off."

"The correct answer is four," said the teacher. "But I like your thinking."

Little Johnny said, "I have a question for you now. If there were three women eating ice cream cones in a shop, one licking her cone, the second biting her cone, and the third one sucking her cone, which one is married ?

"Well," said the teacher nervously, "I guess the one sucking her cone?"

"No," said Little Johnny, "The one with the wedding ring on her finger. But I like the way you think!"

Low Bridge

A truck driver was driving along on the freeway. He passed a sign that said “low bridge ahead.”

Before he knew it, the bridge was right ahead of him and he could not avoid getting stuck under the bridge. You could say that he got a “Truck Wedgie.”

Cars were backed up for miles.

Finally, a police car pulled up. The cop got out of his car and walked around to the truck driver, put his hands on his hips and said, “Got stuck, huh?”

The gutsy truck driver said, “No officer, I was delivering this bridge and ran out of gas!”

Grandma's boyfriend

A 5-year old boy went to visit his grandmother one day. While playing with his toys in her bedroom while grandma was dusting furniture, he looked up and said, "Grandma, how come you don't have a boyfriend?"

Grandma replied, "Honey, my TV is my boyfriend. I can set in my bedroom and watch it all day long. The TV evangelists keep me company and make me feel so good.The comedies make me laugh. I'm so happy with my TV as my boyfriend." Grandma turned on the TV and the picture was horrible. She started adjusting the knobs trying to get the picture in focus. Frustrated, she started hitting on the backside of the TV hoping to fix the problem.

The little boy heard the doorbell ring so he hurried to open the door.When he opened the door, there stood Grandma's minister. The minister said, "Hello son is your grandma home?"

The little boy replied, "Yeah, she's in the bedroom bangin' her boyfriend."

Bad Temper Problem

Patient: Doctor, you must help me. I'm under such a lot of stress, I keep losing my temper with people.
Doctor: Tell me about your problem.
Patient: I just did, didn't I, you stupid fool!!

Cats

I've never understood why women love cats. Cats are independent, they don't listen, they don't come in when you call, they like to stay out all night, and when they're home they like to be left alone and sleep.

In other words, every quality that women hate in a man, they love in a cat.

Joke of the Day, posted everyday on getfrank.co.nz - Click to see the past weeks worth right here...

Travel jokes

We are all time travelers moving at the speed of exactly 60 minutes per hour.

What happens when you wear a watch on a plane?
Time flies!

I wanted to make a joke about time travel,
but you guys didn’t like it.

Why don't aliens visit our planet?
It has terrible ratings. Just one star.

The food on the small aircraft wasn’t good…
it was a little plan

Why did the librarian get kicked off the plane? Because it was overbooked.

The airline lost my luggage, so I sued them.
Unfortunately, I lost the case.

As I waited for my luggage at the airport, a man lifted my suitcase off the baggage carousel.
'Excuse me,' I shouted.
'That’s my suitcase.'
The man shot back defensively,
'Well, somebody took mine!'

My favourite childhood memory is my parents paying for my holidays.

A doctor told his patient afte...

A doctor told his patient after reviewing his x-rays he needed surgery costing $5000.
The patient said he only had $500.00 and what could be done.
The doctor said, "Well, I can always touch-up your x-rays."