Jokes of the day for Friday, 13 November 2020

This guy was having a problem

This guy was having a problem with mice in his apartment.
"Dude," he told a friend, "I've tried everything and those damn mice keep coming back."
"I had the same thing man," his friend says. "All you have to do is stuff steel wool in their little holes."
"That's it?" the guy asked. "I'll do it tonight if it means getting rid of the damn rodents."
About a week later the guy gets a call. "How's it going with the mice, buddy?"
"Not so good, dude."
"What's the problem?" his friend asks.
"To be honest, I'm having a lot of trouble holding their little legs apart."

Purina Diet

A friend of mine has a big Labrador retriever. While I was buying a large bag of Purina at Wal-Mart for him, a woman behind me in the check out line asked if it was for a dog (duh?).
On impulse, I told her no, I was starting The Purina Diet again, although I probably shouldn't because I'd ended up in the hospital last time. I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms. I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet. The way that it works is you load all your pockets with Purina nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry. The food is nutritionally complete so I was going to try it again.
I have to mention here that practically everyone in the line was by now enthralled with my story, particularly a tall guy who was behind her.
Horrified, she asked if I ended up in the hospital last time because I'd been poisoned.
I told her no; I was sitting in the street licking my balls when a car hit me. I thought the guy behind her was going to have a cardiac, and would require need help as he laughed so hard he fell to the floor.

Union Bedtime Story

A Union President was sitting at his son's bedside getting ready to read him a bedtime story.
He starts out, "Once upon a time and a half..."

You know your getting older when...

1. You and your teeth don't sleep together.

2. Your try to straighten out the wrinkles in your socks and discover you aren't wearing any.

3. At the breakfast table you hear snap, crackle, pop and you're not eating cereal.

4. Your back goes out but you stay home.

5. When you wake up looking like your driver's license picture.

6. It takes two tries to get up from the couch.

7. When your idea of a night out is sitting on the patio.

8. When happy hour is a nap.

9. When you're on vacation and your energy runs out before your money does..

10. When you say something to your kids that your mother said to you and you always hated it.

11. When all you want for your birthday is to not be reminded of your age.

12. When you step off a curb and look down one more time to make sure the street is still there.

13. Your idea of weight lifting is standing up.

14. It takes longer to rest than it did to get tired.

15. Your memory is shorter and your complaining lasts longer.

16. Your address book has mostly names that start with Dr.

17. You sit in a rocking chair and can't get it going.

18. The pharmacist has become your new best friend.

19. Getting 'lucky' means you found your car in the parking lot.

20. The twinkle in your eye is merely a reflection from the sun on your bifocals.

21. It takes twice as long - to look half as good.

22. Everything hurts, and what doesn't hurt - doesn't work.

23. You look for your glasses for half an hour and they were on your head the whole time.

24. You sink your teeth into a steak - and they stay there.

25. You give up all your bad habits and still don't feel good.

26. You have more patience, but it is actually that you just don't care anymore.

27. You finally get your head together and your body starts falling apart.

28. You wonder how you could be over the hill when you don't even remember being on top of it.

I was in Paris, with orders to...

I was in Paris, with orders to replace my boss's antique white chesspieces. He told me, “Spare no expense!” He gave me a blanc échec.

Jack & Leroy

Jack and Leroy were talking one day in the company lunch room. Leroy confessed that he had recently been having trouble with his woman. Leroy said they just didn't have that "spark" anymore, and sex was practically non existent. He asked Jack, who was his best friend, if Jack and his wife ever seemed to have that problem. Jack said, "Leory, my friend, whenever my wife and I get into a slump, I find that it's romance, man, romance. Candy, flowers and poetry that does the trick."

Leroy said "Romance, that romance shit don't work for black folks and poetry?!?? Man, I can't be saying off no poetry, that shit is for faggots."

Jack disagreed and stressed how romance spiced up his sex life with his wife. Leroy said " OK, bro, I'll give it try. What should I do?"

Jack said, "You go to the flower shop, pick up some beautiful flowers. Stop and get a big box of chocolates, and then, when you walk through the door, you make up a poem You need to say something about their how beautiful they are, and explain to them the way you want to make love to them."

Leroy says "Give me an example."

Jack thinks a moment and says, "Well, here's one that worked really well for me: "Beautiful blond hair, eyes like a dove Come here my darling, let's make sweet love."

Leroy says "OK, that sounds easy, I'll give it a try."

The next day, as Jack walks into the company lunch room, he sees Leroy. Leroy's head is swollen and covered with bruises. Jack rushes over and says "What happened to you?"

Leroy replies "I tried your fucking romance bullshit, that's what happened!" "What did you do? "Took your advice, went, got some flowers, stopped and got some candy, walked in the door and recited some poetry."

"And it didn't work?"

"Hell, no it didn't work... look at me. She beat the shit outta me."

Jack says "I just don't understand...Let's hear your poem."

Leroy replies: "Nappy hair, nappy hair eyes like a frog Bend over, bitch, I wanna fuck you like a dog."

A man goes into a pet shop and...

A man goes into a pet shop and tells the owner that he wants to buy a pet that can do everything. The shop owner suggests a faithful dog.
The man replies, "Come on, a dog?"
The owner says, "How about a cat?"
The man replies, "No way! A cat certainly can't do everything. I want a pet that can do everything!"
The shop owner thinks for a minute, then says, "I've got it! A centipede!"
The man says, "A centipede? I can't imagine a centipede doing everything, but okay... I'll try a centipede."
He gets the centipede home and says to the centipede, "Clean the kitchen."
Thirty minutes later, he walks into the kitchen and... it's immaculate! All the dishes and silverware have been washed, dried, and put away; the counter-tops cleaned; the appliances sparkling; the floor waxed. He's absolutely amazed.
He says to the centipede, "Go clean the living room."
Twenty minutes later, he walks into the living room. The carpet has been vacuumed; the furniture cleaned and dusted; the pillows on the sofa plumped; plants watered. The man thinks to himself, "This is the most amazing thing I've ever seen. This really is a pet that can do everything!"
Next he says to the centipede, "Run down to the corner and get me a newspaper."
The centipede walks out the door. 10 minutes later...no centipede. 20 minutes later... no centipede. 30 minutes later...no centipede. By this point the man is wondering what's going on. So he goes to the front door, opens it... and there's the centipede sitting right outside.
The man says, "Hey!! I sent you down to the corner store 45 minutes ago to get me a newspaper. What's the matter?!"
The centipede says, "I'm goin'! I'm goin'! I'm just putting on my shoes!"

God Gots Jokes

A man climbs to the top of Mt. Sinai and gets close enough to talk to God. Looking up, he asks the Lord, "God, what does a million years mean to you?" The Lord replies, "A minute."

The man then asks, "And what does a million dollars mean to you?" The Lord replies, "A penny."

Then he asks,"Can I have a penny?" The Lord replies, "In a minute."

On a plane bound for New York...

On a plane bound for New York the flight attendant approached a blonde sitting in the first class section and requested that she move to coach since she did not have a first class ticket.
The blonde replied, "I'm blonde; I'm beautiful; I'm going to New York; and I'm not moving."
Not wanting to argue with a customer, the flight attendant asked the co-pilot to speak with her. He went to talk with the woman, asking her to please move out of the first class section.
Again, the blonde replied, "I'm blonde; I'm beautiful; I'm going to New York, and I'm not moving."
The co-pilot returned to the cockpit and asked the captain what he should do. The captain said, "I'm married to a blonde, and I know how to handle this."
He went to the first class section and whispered in the blonde's ear. She immediately jumped up and ran to the coach section mumbling to herself, "Why didn't someone just say so?"
Surprised, the flight attendant and the co-pilot asked what he said to her that finally convinced her to move from her seat.
He said, "I told her the first class section wasn't going to New York."

Gifts For A Teacher

It was at the end of the school year, and a kindergarten teacher was receiving gifts from her pupils.
The florist's son handed her a gift. She shook it, held it overhead, and said, "I bet I know what it is. Some flowers."
"That's right" the boy said, "but how did you know?"
"Oh, just a wild guess,"" she said.
The next pupil was the candy shop owner's daughter. The teacher held her gift overhead, shook it, and said, "I bet I can guess what it is. A box of sweets."
"That's right, but how did you know?" asked the girl. "Oh, just a wild guess," said the teacher.
The next gift was from the son of the liquor store owner. The teacher held the package overhead, but it was leaking. She touched a drop of the leakage with her finger and touched it to her tongue.
"Is it wine?" she asked. "No," the boy replied, with some excitement.
The teacher repeated the process, taking a larger drop of the leakage to her tongue. "Is it champagne?" she asked. "No," the boy replied, with more excitement. The teacher took one more taste before declaring, "I give up, what is it?"
With great glee, the boy replied, "It's a puppy!"

The Gift

On the first day of school, the children brought gifts for their teacher. The florist's son brought the teacher a bouquet of flowers. The candy-store owner's daughter gave the teacher a pretty box of candy. Then the liquor-store owner's son brought up a big, heavy box. The teacher lifted it up and noticed that it was leaking a little bit. She touched a drop of the liquid with her finger and tasted it.
"Is it wine?" she guessed.
"No," the boy replied. She tasted another drop and asked, " Champagne ?
"No," said the little boy... "It's a puppy!"

What do you call a p...

“What do you call a piano built in Miami? The Florida Keys.”

Sick Duck

A man took his old duck to the Doctor, concerned because the duck wouldn't eat.
The Doctor explained to the man that as ducks age their upper bills grow down over their lower bills and make it difficult for the animal to pick up it's food.
"What you need to do is gently file the upper bill down even with the lower bill. But you must be extra careful because the duck's nostrils are located in the upper bill and if you file down too far, when the duck takes a drink of water it'll drown."
The man goes about his business and about a week later the Doctor runs into his patient.
"Well, how is that duck of yours?" the Doctor inquires.
"He's dead." declared the heartbroken man.
"I told you not to file his upper bill down too far! He took a drink of water and drowned didn't he?" insisted the Doctor.
"No." lamented the man. "I think he was dead before I took him out of the vise."    

A couple go for a meal at a Ch...

A couple go for a meal at a Chinese restaurant and order Chicken Surprise. The waiter brings the meal, served in a lidded cast iron pot. Just as the wife is about to serve herself, the lid of the pot rises slightly and she briefly sees two beady little eyes looking around before the lid slams back down.
"Good grief, did you see that?" she asks her husband.
He hasn't, so she asks him to look in the pot. He reaches for it and again the lid rises, and he sees two little eyes looking around before it slams down.
Rather perturbed, he calls the waiter over, explains what is happening, and demands an explanation.
"Please sir," says the waiter, "what you order?"
The husband replies, "Chicken Surprise."
"Ahh so sorry," says the waiter, "I bring you Peeking Duck."

I MISS THE OLD...

I MISS THE OLD CORDED TELEPHONES

THEY WERE KINKY