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Jokes of the day for Sunday, 13 December 2020

Funny jokes, funny photo and funny video collected from the internet on Sunday, 13 December 2020

Sewage treatment plants create

Sewage treatment plants create a lot of manure fracturing jobs.
#joke #short
Joke | Source: Pun Gents - Daily Jokes, One-liners, Groaners, Puns of the day :: Puns on Demand :: Punshine Girls and Boys!
  • Currently 3.60/10

Rating: 3.6/10 (5)

What Makes Me Smile

You know what really makes me smile?
Facial muscles.

#joke #short
Joke | Source: A joke a day - Free Jokes of the Day Clean Funny Jokes via Email, Humor and Entertainment
  • Currently 7.20/10

Rating: 7.2/10 (5)

In Kent a business man was con

In Kent a business man was confused about paying an invoice, so he decided to ask his secretary for some mathematical help.
He called her into his office and said, "You graduated from the University of Essex and I need some help. If I were to give you £20,000, minus 14%, how much would you take off?"
The secretary thought a moment, and then replied, "Everything but my earrings!"
#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Sunday, 04 October 2020
  • Currently 8.36/10

Rating: 8.4/10 (14)

The phone rings and the lady o

The phone rings and the lady of the house answers, 'Hello.'
'Mrs. Sanders, please.'
'Speaking.'
'Mrs. Sanders, this is Doctor Jones at Saint Agnes Laboratory. When your husband's doctor sent his biopsy to the lab last week, a biopsy from another Mr. Sanders arrived as well. We are now uncertain which one belongs to your husband. Frankly, either way the results are not too good.'
'What do you mean?' Mrs. Sanders asks nervously.
'Well, one of the specimens tested positive for Alzheimer's and the other one tested positive for HIV. We can't tell which is which.'
'That's dreadful! Can you do the test again?' questioned Mrs. Sanders.
'Normally we can, but Medicare will only pay for these expensive tests one time.'
'Well, what am I supposed to do now?'
'The folks at Medicare recommend that you drop your husband off somewhere in the middle of town. If he finds his way home, don't sleep with him.'
#joke #doctor
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Tuesday, 09 June 2020
  • Currently 5.79/10

Rating: 5.8/10 (14)

Eat pork?

A Rabbi who's been leading a congregation for many years is upset by the fact that he's never been able to eat pork. So he devises a plan whereby he flies to a remote tropical island and checks into a hotel.

He immediately gets himself a table at the finest restaurant and orders the most expensive pork dish on the menu. As he's eagerly waiting for it to be served, he hears his name called from across the restaurant.

He looks up to see 10 of his loyal congregants approaching. His luck, they'd chosen the same time to visit the same remote location!

Just at that moment, the waiter comes out with a huge silver tray carrying a whole roasted pig with an apple in its mouth. The Rabbi looks up sheepishly at his congregants and says, "Wow - you order an apple in this place and look how it's served!"

#joke #animal #pig #fruit #apple
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Thursday, 01 January 2015
  • Currently 8.44/10

Rating: 8.4/10 (9)

Two blondes, Carol and Patt...

Two blondes, Carol and Patty, were walking down the street.

Carol noticed a compact on the sidewalk and leaned down to pick it up. She opened it, looked in the mirror and said, "Hmmm, this person looks familiar." Patty said, "Let me look!" So Carol handed her the Compact.

Patty looked in the mirror and said,"You dummy, it's me!

#joke #blonde
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Sunday, 13 December 2009
  • Currently 5.79/10

Rating: 5.8/10 (57)

Scientifically speaking, it is...

Scientifically speaking, it is impossible to charge Chuck Norris with "obstruction of justice." This is because even Chuck Norris cannot be in two places at the same time.
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Tuesday, 13 December 2011
  • Currently 2.56/10

Rating: 2.6/10 (50)

Police Quotes

“The handcuffs are tight because they're new. They'll stretch out after you wear them awhile.”

“If you run, you'll only go to jail tired.”

“So, you don't know how fast you were going. I guess that means I can write anything I want on the ticket, huh?”

“Yes sir, you can talk to the shift supervisor, but I don't think it will help. Oh, did I mention that I am the shift supervisor?”

“Warning! You want a warning? O.K., I'm warning you not to do that again or I'll give you another ticket.”

“The answer to this last question will determine whether you are drunk or not. Was Mickey Mouse a cat or dog?”

“Yeah, we have a quota. Two more tickets and my wife gets a toaster oven.”

“Life's tough, it's tougher if you're stupid.”

“No sir, we don't have quotas anymore. We used to have quotas, but now we're allowed to write as many tickets as we want.”

“Just how big were those two beers?

Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Tuesday, 13 December 2011
  • Currently 5.82/10

Rating: 5.8/10 (45)

A father is explaining ethics

A father is explaining ethics to his son, who is about to go into business...
"Suppose a woman comes in and orders a hundred dollars worth of material. You wrap it up, and you give it to her. She pays you with a $100 bill. But as she goes out the door you realize she's given you two $100 bills. Now, here's where the ethics come in: should you or should you not tell your partner?
#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Friday, 13 December 2019
  • Currently 6.23/10

Rating: 6.2/10 (30)

Q: How do you get a lawyer out...

Q: How do you get a lawyer out of a tree?
A: Cut the rope.
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Thursday, 25 February 2010
  • Currently 5.84/10

Rating: 5.8/10 (19)

Skipping Days

A blonde is terribly overweight, so her doctor put her on a diet. "I want you to eat regularly for two days, then skip a day, and repeat this procedure for two weeks. The next time I see you, you'll have lost at least 5 pounds."
When the blonde returned, she shocked the doctor by losing nearly 20 pounds. "Why, that's amazing!" the doctor said, "Did you follow my instructions?"
The blonde nodded, "I'll tell you though, I thought I was going to drop dead that third day."
"From hunger, you mean?" asked the doctor.
"No, from skipping."
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Friday, 18 January 2019
  • Currently 8.36/10

Rating: 8.4/10 (14)

Cowboy in Church

One Sunday a cowboy went to church. When he entered, he saw that he and the preacher were the only ones present. The preacher asked the cowboy if he wanted him to go ahead and preach.
The cowboy said, "I'm not too smart, but if I went to feed my cattle and only one showed up, I'd still feed him."So the minister began his sermon.
One hour passed, then two hours, then two-and-a-half hours. The preacher finally finished and came down to ask the cowboy how he liked the sermon.
The cowboy answered slowly, "Well, I'm not very smart, but if I went to feed my cattle and only one showed up, I sure wouldn't feed him all the hay."
#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Saturday, 18 April 2015
  • Currently 7.20/10

Rating: 7.2/10 (5)

Donkeys at Christmas

Q: What do donkeys send out near Christmas?

A: Mule-tide greetings.

#joke #short #christmas #animal #donkey #mule
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Thursday, 25 December 2014
  • Currently 5.00/10

Rating: 5.0/10 (1)

World UFO Day Jokes

July 2nd is World UFO Day! Find jokes about it!

Why don't aliens visit our planet? Terrible ratings. One star.

Have u heard about the University For Oceans?
I heard the education is out of the world.

Why don’t aliens get hungry after being blasted into space?
Because they’ve just had a big launch

I have never seen a UFO before.
I’m always able to correctly identify the flying object

Where do aliens park their flying saucers?
At a parking meteor.

Today I got hit by a UFO
Then I turned around and looked down and I found a frisbee

I had my first UFO experience this morning
I walked into the kitchen and confessed to my mum that killed her prize Orchid. The next thing I knew, there were flying saucers coming at me from everywhere!

What do you call an alien spaceship that’s leak water?
A crying saucer.

What do you call a pizza chef on an aeroplane?
A flying sauce-er.

#worldufoday #ufoday

#joke #food #pizza #hungry
Joke | Source: Hand picked jokes - Daily Jokes hand picked from various locations
  • Currently 1.80/10

Rating: 1.8/10 (5)

World Post Day Jokes

On 9th October we celebrate World Post Day! Here's some postal humor for you:

What’s a postman’s favorite type of music?
Mail-ody!

Why did the feminist refuse to work at the post office?
Because it was a mail dominated industry

Have you heard about the dyslexic spy who got caught with a suitcase nuke in the post office?
Fission mailed!

So I got a phone call from the post office today...
...complaining that my dog is attacking a postman on a bike. But I told them "It can't be my dog... he doesn't even know how to ride a bike".

Did you hear that the Post Office just recalled their latest stamps?
They had pictures of lawyers on them ...and people couldn't figure out which side to spit on.

#worldpostday
Joke | Source: Hand picked jokes - Daily Jokes hand picked from various locations
  • Currently 7.44/10

Rating: 7.4/10 (9)

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