Jokes of the day for Wednesday, 23 December 2020
| Funny jokes, funny photo and funny video collected from the internet on Wednesday, 23 December 2020 |
What's the first resourc
What's the first resource for an unemployed preacher?One spelling mistake can destr
One spelling mistake can destroy your life!A husband wrote a message to his wife on his official trip and forgot to add 'e' at the end of a word...
"I am having such a wonderful time! Wish you were her..."
As she passed the young novice
As she passed the young novices, Mother Superior said, "Good morning, ladies," and the novices replied, "Good morning, Mother Superior. May God be with you."But once they were past, she heard one novice say to another, "She got up on the wrong side of the bed this morning."
Mother Superior was surprised, but decided not to pursue it.
Soon she passed two sisters who had taught there for years. They exchanged pleasantries, but again she heard them whisper, "She got up on the wrong side of the bed this morning."
She wondered if she had been harsh with them and vowed to be more pleasant.
Down the hall came retired Sister Mary. They exchanged greetings but Sister Mary added right to her face, "Looks like you got up on the wrong side of the bed this morning."
Mother Superior was floored. "Sister Mary, what have I done wrong? Three times this morning someone has said that about me."
Sister Mary looked Mother Superior in the eye. "Oh dear, don't take it personally. It's just that you're wearing Father Murphy's slippers!"
Census...
Census Taker: 'How many children do you have?'Woman: 'Four.'
Census Taker: 'May I have their names, please?'
Woman: 'Eenie, Meenie, Minie and George.'
Census Taker: 'Okay, that's fine. But may I ask why you named your fourth child George?'
Woman: 'Because we didn't want any Moe.'
Three convicts were on the way...
Three convicts were on the way to prison. They were each allowed to take one item with them to help them occupy their time whilst stuck behind bars. On the bus, one turned to another and said, "So, what did you bring?"The second convict pulled out a box of paints and stated that he intended to paint anything he could. He wanted to become the "Grandma Moses of Jail."
Then he asked the first, "What did you bring?"
The first convict pulled out a deck of cards and grinned and said, "I brought cards. I can play poker, solitaire and gin, and any number of games."
The third convict was sitting quietly aside grinning to himself. The other two took notice and asked, "Why are you so smug? What did you bring?"
The guy pulled out a box of tampons and smiled. "I brought these."
The other two were puzzled and asked, "What can you do with those?"
He grinned and pointed to the box and said, "Well according to the box, I can go horseback riding, swimming, roller-skating..."
Charlie Viracola: Believed in Santa
Christmas always sucked when I was a kid because I believed in Santa Claus, and unfortunately, so did my parents. Robert Schmidt 13
My uncle's an airline pilot ... kinda makes it difficult to hold the bottle though...When my Dad came home last night, my mom fainted.
Don't tell anyone I said but we're live on national TV.
I broke a leg one time ... spilt coffee all over.
I bought this thing for my car. You put it on your car, it sends out this little noise, so when you drive through the woods, deer won't run in front of your car. I installed it backwards by accident. Driving down the street with a herd of deer chasing me. Those were the days.
That's a good thing to say to the police the next time they stop you. "License and registration, please." "Hermits have no peer pressure." "License and registration, please." "Whenever I think about the past, it just brings back so many memories." "License and registration, please." "There's a fine line between fishing and standing on the shore looking like an idiot. Wouldn't you" say, Officer?" "License and registration, please." "What's another word for Thesaurus?" See the cop have a nervous breakdown. "I was just trying to give him a ticket."
I can't wait to be arrested and go all the way to the witness stand. "Do you swear to tell the whole truth and nothing but the truth so help you, God?" "Yes, you're ugly. See that women in the jury? I'd really like to sleep with her. Should I keep going or are you going to ask me questions?"
In the Roadrunner cartoon, the coyote has been chasing him for 25 years. I'd like to see him finally get right up to him and go "Sorry, I thought you were someone else."
Driving hasn't been the same since I installed the funhouse rearview mirrors. "What is that?"
Driving down the street at 150 miles per hour with a friend of mine on cruise control. Both of us in the back seat. The police pulled us over. They don't know who to arrest, nobody's driving. So, they arrested us both. I'm on the witness stand. You know the rest.
Would you like me to be your friend?
Kathy began a job as an elementary school counselor and she was eager to help.
One day, during recess, Kathy noticed a young girl standing by herself on one side of the playing field while the rest of the kids were playing a game of soccer.
A while later, Kathy walked over to the young girl and offered, "Would you like me to be your friend?"
The girl looked at Kathy suspiciously, then said hesitantly, "Okay, I guess so..."
"Why are you standing here all alone?" asked Kathy.
"Because," the little girl said with great exasperation, "I'm the goalie!"
If something about the human body disgusts you
If something about the human body disgusts you, the fault lies with the manufacturer.
Lenny Bruce (1925-1966)
Picture: AP
New bull at farm
Three bulls were standing around the farm yard one day, talking about how the farmer had just bought a new bull.
The first bull, the biggest and strongest of the group, says "He's in for a surprise when he gets here. I'll be damned if he thinks he can take any of my 500 cows."
The second bull chimes in, "I know that's right. He's not touching any of my 250 cows."
The third bull, the youngest of the bunch, pipes up and says "I've only been here a year, I know I'm not as big and strong as you guys but I've earned my 10 cows and he's not getting a single one!"
About this time, a large truck pulling a trailer backs in to the ranch and begins to unload a 4,000 pound monster of a bull. He is so big that the steel ramp is bending with every step he takes.
The youngest bull begins huffing and grunting and scraping the ground with his foot. The oldest bull looks at him and says "Son, use your head. Give up a few cows and live to tell about it."
The youngest bull replies "Hell, he can have all of my cows, I'm just making sure he knows I'm a bull!"
7 short Jokes for the Weekend's Approach
What do clouds wear underneath their pants?
Thunderwear.
What’s the leading cause of dry skin?
Towels.
He says “Doc I have been having really strange dreams for the last month”. Doc asks “Ok. What are the dreams?”. Bloke says “It’s like there is a football World Cup going on. Every night I see a football match but with donkeys! It’s driving me crazy! That’s all I think about all day”.
Doc smiles, thinks for a while, and says “Ok. Here is a prescription. Take 2 pills tonight before sleeping and you won’t have any of those dreams any longer.”
Bloke thanks the doctor profusely, gets up and walks to the door. He pauses, turns around and asks the doc “Doc if it is ok, can I start the medicine from tomorrow night?”. Doc looks puzzled and asks him “Why? Why not tonight?”. Bloke looks down and whispers “Tonight is the final”.
What’s your net worth?
However many fish it catches that day!
Before going away the neighbours gave me a spare key to feed their cat.
Poor thing choked to death on it.
I told my neighbours they could eat whatever they wanted when they housesat for me.
Damn, I miss that goldfish.
Did you hear about the bartender that pushed his wife off a cliff? He made a Bloody Mary on the rocks.
The Young Executive & The Blonde CEO
A young executive was leaving the office late one evening when he found the Blonde CEO standing in front of a shredder with a piece of paper in his hand.
'Listen,' said the CEO, 'this is a very sensitive and important document here, and my secretary has gone for the night. Can you make this thing work for me?'
'Certainly,' said the young executive. He turned the machine on, inserted the paper, and pressed the start button.
'Excellent, excellent!' said the CEO, as his paper disappeared inside the machine. 'I just need one copy...'
Dilbert's Salary Theorem
Dilbert's "Salary Theorem" states that "Engineers and scientists can never earn as much as business executives and sales people."This theorem can now be supported by a mathematical equation based on the following two postulates:
As every engineer knows: Power = Work / Time
Since:
Knowledge = Power
Time = Money
Knowledge = Work/Money.
Solving for Money, we get:
Money = Work / Knowledge.
Thus, as Knowledge approaches zero, Money approaches infinity, regardless of the amount of work done.
Conclusion:
The less you know, the more you make.
