Jokes of the day for Monday, 04 January 2021
| Funny jokes, funny photo and funny video collected from the internet on Monday, 04 January 2021 |
The patient was lying in bed,
The patient was lying in bed, still groggy from the effects of the recent operation. His doctor came in, looking very glum."I can't be sure what's wrong with you," the doctor said. "I think it's the drinking."
"Okay," the patient said. "Can we get an opinion from a doctor who's sober?"
Hide & Seek Crisis
If someone has a mid-life crisis while playing hide & seek...
Do they automatically lose because they can't find themselves?
There was a fly buzzing around
There was a fly buzzing around a barn one day when she happened upon a pile of fresh cow manure. Due to the fact that it had been hours since she had had her last meal, she flew down and began to eat. She ate and ate. Finally, she decided she had eaten enough and tried to fly away. She had eaten too much though, and could not get off the ground. As she looked around wondering what to do, she spotted a pitchfork leaning up against the wall. She climbed to the top of the handle and jumped off, thinking that once she got airborne, she would be able to take flight. Unfortunately she was wrong and she dropped like a rock, and smashed when she hit the floor. Dead!ARE YOU READY FOR THE MORAL OF THE STORY?
Never fly off the handle when you know you're full of shi*t.
Clarence and Rufus
There were two old geezers living in the backwoods. Their names were Rufus and Clarence. They lived on opposite sides of the river, and they hated each other.
Every morning, just after sunrise, Rufus and Clarence would go down to their respective sides of the river and yell at each other. "RUFUS!!" Clarence would shout. "You better thank your lucky stars that I can't swim . . . or I'd swim this river and whup your butt!!"
"CLARENCE!!" Rufus would holler back, "You better thank YOUR lucky stars that I can't swim . . . or I'd swim this river and whup your skinny butt!!!"
This went on every morning. Every day. Twenty years.
One day the Army Corps of Engineers came and built a bridge. Still, every morning every day for another five years the shouting and feuding across the river continued. Finally, Rufus wife has had enough.
"Rufus!" she yells, one day. "I can't take no more!! Every day for 25 years, you've been threatenin' to whup Clarence. Well, there's the bridge...have at it!"
Rufus thought for a moment. Chewed his bottom lip for another moment. "Woman!" he declared, snapping his suspenders into place. "I'm gonna whup Clarence's butt!!!"
He walked out the door, down to the river, along the riverbank, came to the bridge, stepped up onto the bridge, walked about halfway, looked up....TURNED TAIL AND RAN SCREAMING BACK TO THE HOUSE, SLAMMED THE DOOR, BOLTED THE WINDOWS, GRABBED THE SHOTGUN AND DIVED, PANTING AND GASPING, UNDER THE BED!!!!!
"Rufus!" cried the misses. "I thought you was gonna whup Clarence's butt!!!"
"I was, woman, I was!!" he whispered.
"Rufus!" cried the misses. "What in tarnation is the matter?"
"Well," muttered the terror-stricken Rufus, "I went to the bridge...I stepped up on the bridge...walked halfway over the bridge...looked up..."
"And?" she asked, breathless with suspense.
"And," continued Rufus, "I saw a sign that said, "Clearance, 13 feet, 6 inches" He ain't never looked THAT big from the other side of the river!!!!!"
A young man wanted to get his ...
A young man wanted to get his beautiful blonde wife something nice for their first wedding anniversary. So he decides to buy her a cell phone. She is all excited, she loves her phone. He shows her and explains to her all the features on the phone.The next day the blonde goes shopping. Her phone rings and it's her husband, "Hi hun," he says "how do you like your new phone?"
She replies "I just love, it's so small and your voice is clear as a bell but there's one thing I don't understand though."
"What's that, baby?" asks the husband.
"How did you know I was at Wal- Mart?"
Industrial logging isn't the c...
Industrial logging isn't the cause of deforestation. Chuck Norris needs toothpicks.Mr. Johnson was overweight, so...
Mr. Johnson was overweight, so his doctor put him on a diet.He said, I want you to eat regularly for two days, then skip a day, and repeat this procedure for two weeks. The next time I see you, you should have lost at least five pounds.
When Mr. Johnson returned, he shocked the doctor by having dropped almost twenty pounds.
Why, thats amazing! the doctor told him. You did this just by following my instructions?
The slimmed down Mr. Johnson nodded. Ill tell you, though, I thought I was going to drop dead that third day.
From hunger, you mean.
No, replied Mr. Johnson, from skipping.
Reasons Why The English Language Is Hard To Learn
1) The bandage was wound around the wound.
2) The farm was used to produce produce.
3) The dump was so full that it had to refuse more refuse.
4) We must polish the Polish furniture.
5) He could lead if he would get the lead out.
6) The soldier decided to desert his dessert in the desert.
7) Since there is no time like the present, he thought it was time to present the present.
8) A bass was painted on the head of the bass drum.
9) When shot at, the dove dove into the bushes.
10) I did not object to the object.
11) The insurance was invalid for the invalid.
12) There was a row among the oarsmen about how to row.
13) They were too close to the door to close it.
14) The buck does funny things when the does are present.
15) A seamstress and a sewer fell down into a sewer line.
16) To help with planting, the farmer taught his sow to sow.
17) The wind was too strong to wind the sail.
18) After a number of injections my jaw got number.
19) Upon seeing the tear in the painting I shed a tear.
20) I had to subject the subject to a series of tests.
21) How can I intimate this to my most intimate friend?
Leaves of the Book
A little boy opened the big Bible. He was fascinated as he fingered through the old pages. Suddenly, something fell out of the Bible. He picked up the object and looked at it. What he saw was an old leaf that had been pressed in between the pages. "Mama, look what I found!" the boy called out.
"What have you got there, dear?"
With astonishment in the young boy's voice, he answered, "I think it's Adam's underwear!"
They Do Look Alike
My sister was busy getting ready to host our entire family for Easter. On her to-do list was a hair appointment for her daughter.
"So, Katie," said the stylist as the little girl got up in the chair, "who’s coming to your house this weekend with big ears and floppy feet?"
Katie replied, "I think it’s my Uncle Brian."
Carrie Fisher runs into George Micheal in the afterlife...
Carrie Fisher runs into George Micheal in the afterlife.
She says, "Oh man, I'm a huge fan! I've got every one of your albums except the first one."
He says, "I find your lack of 'Faith' disturbing".
A woman was out golfing one da...
A woman was out golfing one day when she hit her ball into the woods. She went into the woods to look for it and found a frog in a trap.The frog said to her, "If you release me from this trap, I will grant you 3 wishes."
The woman freed the frog and the frog said, "Thank you, but I failed to mention that there was a condition to your wishes - that whatever you wish for, your husband will get 10 times more or better!"
The woman said, "That would be okay," and for her first wish, she wanted to be the most beautiful woman in the world.
The frog warrned her, "You do realize that this wish will also make your husband the most handsome man in the world, an Adonis, that women will flock to."
The woman replied, "That will be okay because I will be the most beautiful woman and he will only have eyes for me."
So, KAZAM - she's the most beautiful woman in the world!
For her second wish, she wanted to be the richest woman in the world.
The frog said, "That will make your husband the richest man in the world, and he will be ten times richer than you."
The woman said, "That will be okay because what is mine is his and what is his is mine."
So, KAZAM she's the richest woman in the world!
The frog inquired about her third wish, and she answered, "I'd like a mild heart attack."
The robbery at the Saudi garment
The robbery at the Saudi garment factory was an inside hijab. 
