Jokes of the day for Sunday, 20 June 2021

Tylenol gives me hallucination

Tylenol gives me hallucinations of windmills. Acetominophens.

A very flat-chested woman fina

A very flat-chested woman finally decided she needed a bra and set out to town in search of one in her size. She entered an upscale department store and approached the saleslady in lingerie, "Do you have a size 28AAAA bra?"
The clerk haughtily replied in the negative, so she left the store and proceeded to another department store where she is rebuffed in much the same manner. After a third try at another department store in town, she had become annoyed so she drove to the supermarket.
Marching up to the sales clerk, she unbuttoned and threw open her blouse, yelling, "Do you have anything for this?"
The lady looked closely at her and replied, "Have you tried Clearasil?"

Putting Out a Fire...by Fire

During an ecumenical assembly, a secretary rushed in shouting, “The building is on fire!”The Methodists prayed in a corner.The Baptists wondered where they could find water.The Quakers quietly praised God for the blessings that fire brings.The Lutherans posted a notice on the door announcing the fire was evil.The Roman Catholics passed the plate to cover the cost of the damage.The Jews posted symbols on the door in hopes the fire would pass.The Congregationalists shouted, “Every man for himself!”The Fundamentalists proclaimed, “It’s the vengeance of God!”The Episcopalians formed a procession and protested.The Christian Scientists denied that there was a fire. The Presbyterians appointed a chairperson to form a committee to look into the matter and submit a written report.The secretary grabbed the fire extinguisher and put the fire out.

The Post Turtle

While suturing up a cut on the hand of a 75 year old farmer, whose hand had been caught in the gate while working his cattle, the doctor struck up a conversation with the old man. Eventually the topic got around to Hone Hawariwa and how he got to be an MP.
The  old farmer said, "Well, ya know, Hone is just a Post Tortoise."
Now not being familiar with the term, the doctor asked,
What's a "Post Tortoise?"
The old farmer said, "When you're driving down a  country road and you come across a fence post with a Tortoise balanced on top, that's a post Tortoise."

The old farmer saw the puzzled look on the doctor's face so he continued to explain. "You know he didn't get up there by himself, he doesn't belong up there, he doesn't know what to do while he's up there, he sure as hell isn't goin' anywhere, and you just wonder what prick put him there in the first place."

Little Johnny Goes Fishing

Little Johnny's father took him on a fishing trip to Canada.
On returning home after catching only three fish his father says, "The way I figure it each fish cost us $400!"
Little Johnny replied, "Well, at that price it’s a good thing we didn’t catch any more of them than we did."

Family quarrel...

A young couple drove several miles down a country road, not saying a word. An earlier discussion had led to an argument, and neither wanted to concede their position. As they passed a barnyard of mules and pigs, the husband sarcastically asked, "Are they relatives of yours?"

"Yes," his wife replied. "I married into the family."

Bubba and Junior were standing...

Bubba and Junior were standing at the base of a flagpole, looking up.
A woman walked by and asked what they were doing. "We're supposed to find the height of the flagpole," said Bubba, "but we don't have a ladder."
The woman took a wrench from her purse, loosened a few bolts, and laid the pole down. Then she took a tape measure from her pocket, took a measurement, announced, "Eighteen feet, six inches," and walked away.
Junior shook his head and laughed. "Ain't that just like a dumb blonde! We ask for the height, and she gives us the length!"

dumb blondes

10 blondes and 1 brunette were mountain climbing one day. so they were climbing and they got into trouble at a spot one of them had to give up there life so they could continue on so the brunette said i'll do it so you girls can go on so she jumped to the jagged rocks below (ouch) the dumb blondes felt sorry for the brunette so they jumped of to

THE END

A tough looking group of hairy...

A tough looking group of hairy bikers are riding when they see a girl about to jump off a bridge, so they stop. The leader, a big burly man, gets off his bike and says, "What are you doing?" "I'm going to commit suicide," she says. While he doesn’t want to appear insensitive, he also doesn’t want to miss an opportunity, so he asks, "Well, before you jump, why don't you give me a kiss?" She does, and it is a long, deep, lingering kiss. After she's finished, the tough, hairy biker says, "Wow! That was the best kiss I’ve ever had! That's a real talent you’re wasting. You could be famous. Why are you committing suicide?" "My parents don't like me dressing up like a girl…"

Dan Cummins: Greeting Card Writer

I dont just write jokes. You know what Im best at? Greeting cards. Im a really good greeting card writer. And Im going to prove it with a little sample of my work Im going to share for you: As each day passes, you grow older, weaker. Ive been working out. Revenge is near. Happy Fathers Day

Zach Galifianakis: Waking Up With an Erection

Guys, have you ever woken up with an erection, and then you realize youre just in a massage chair in a Brookstone?

News headlines 04

Man Minus Ear Waives Hearing

New Vaccine May Contain Rabies

Deaf College Opens Doors to Hearing

Arson Suspect is Held in Massachusetts Fire

Enfields Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide

Air Head Fired

Red Tape Holds Up New Bridge

Bank Drive-in Window Blocked by Board

Deer Kill 17,000

Old School Pillars are Replaced by Alumni

War Dims Hope for Peace

Anger versus Exasperation

A young girl who was writing a paper for school came to her father and asked, “Dad, what is the difference between anger and exasperation?”

The father replied, “It is mostly a matter of degree. Let me show you what I mean.”

With that the father went to the telephone and dialed a number at random. To the man who answered the phone, he said, “Hello, is Melvin there?”

The man answered, “There is no one living here named Melvin. Why don't you learn to look up numbers before you dial”.

“See,” said the father to his daughter. “That man was not a bit happy with our call. He was probably very busy with something and we annoyed him. Now watch….”

The father dialed the number again. “Hello, is Melvin there?” asked the father.

“Now look here!” came the heated reply. “You just called this number and I told you that there is no Melvin here! You've got lot of guts calling again!” The receiver slammed down hard.

The father turned to his daughter and said, “You see, that was anger. Now I'll show you what exasperation means.”

He dialed the same number, and when a violent voice roared, “Hello!”

The father calmly said, “Hello, this is Melvin. Have there been any calls for me?”

Another 14 Dad jokes, be ready for Father's Day

Get your Dad jokes ready on time! Third Sunday of June is Father's Day, have fun with these!

1. Scientists say that one day, it may be possible to live on Mars.
I tried it for a month, gained nearly 3 stone in weight and developed type 2 diabetes!

2. I think I want a job cleaning mirrors.
I could really see myself doing it.

3. What did the kid Pirate say to the Mom Pirate?
Arrrn’t you glad you met Dad?

4. How do astronomers organise a party?
They planet!

5. I made a soup entirely from ingredients extracted from the atmosphere…
It was a broth of fresh air!

6. When does a regular joke become a dad joke?
When it becomes apparent.

7. It wasn’t much fun when I broke my neck last year.
But now I can look back and laugh.

8. Anyone remember that chiropractor joke I shared?
It was about a weak back.

9. I recently visited the "World's Tiniest Wind Turbine" exhibit.
Honestly, not a big fan.

10. I can’t bring my dog to the pond anymore. The ducks keep attacking him.
Guess that’s what I get for getting a pure bread dog.

11. I only seem to get sick on weekdays.
I must have a weekend immune system.

12. What did the triangle say to the circle?
You’re pointless.

13. Hey, Dad, did you get a haircut?
Nope, I got them all cut

14. Where do pigs like to relax?
In hammocks

Trying to Please Mama

The first woman was elected U.S. president. She called her mom to make sure she was coming to the inauguration.
"I don’t know, dear. What would I wear?”
"Don’t worry, Mom. I’ll send a designer to help you.”
"But you know I need special foods for my diet.”
"Mom, I’m going to the president. I can get you the food you need.”
"But how will I get there?”
"I’ll send a limo, Mom. Just come!”
"OK, OK, if it makes you happy.”
The great day came, and Mama was seated with the future cabinet members. She nudged the man on her right. “See that girl, the one with her hand on the Bible? Her brother’s a doctor!”