Jokes of the day for Monday, 21 June 2021

The private detective

The private detective looked for suspicious clues in the court transcripts, but found it was a read hearing.

As a woman was about to go hom

As a woman was about to go home from a long and stressful day at the office, her cell phone rang. It was her husband.
"Will you be joining me in the whirlpool bath tonight?" he asked.
"What a lovely way to spend an evening," she thought.
She was about to tell him how considerate he was when he continued, "because if you're not, I need to start adding more water to the tub."

Three Policemen at the Pearly Gates

Three police officers were standing in line at the Pearly Gates.Saint Peter asked the first officer, “What did you do with your life?”“I was a police officer,” he responded.“What kind of police officer?” Saint Peter asked.“I was a vice officer. I kept drugs off the streets and out of the hands of kids.”“Welcome to heaven. You may end the gates.”He asked the second man what he did as a police officer.“I was a traffic officer,” said the man. “I kept the roads and highways safe.”“Welcome to heaven. You may enter the gates.”He asked the third man what he did as a police officer.“I was a military policeman, sir,” replied the man.“Wonderful! I’ve been waiting for you all day!” replied Saint Peter. “I need to take a break! Watch the gate, will you?”

Stick To The Plan

I was observing two men that were working for the public works department. One would dig a hole and the other would follow behind him and fill the hole in.
After a while I had to ask, "Why do you dig a hole, only to have your partner follow behind and fill it up again?"
The hole digger wiped his brow and sighed, "Well, I suppose it probably looks odd because we're normally a three-person team. But today the lad who plants the trees called in sick."

The loving wife...

A woman accompanied her husband to the doctor's office.

After his checkup, the doctor called the wife into his office alone. He said, "Your husband is suffering from a very severe stress disorder. If you don't do the following, your husband will surely die."

"Each morning, fix him a healthy breakfast. Be pleasant at all times. For lunch make him a nutritious meal. For dinner prepare an especially nice meal for him. Don't burden him with chores. Don't discuss your problems with him, it will only make his stress worse. No nagging. And most importantly, make love with your husband several times a week. If you can do this for the next 10 months to a year, I think your husband will regain his health completely."

On the way home, the husband asked his wife. "What did the doctor say?"

"He said you're going to die," she replied.

A little boy wanted $100.0

A little boy wanted $100.00 very badly and prayed for weeks, but nothing happened
Then he decided to write God a letter requesting the $100.00
When The postal authorities received the letter addressed to : God , USA , ... they decided to send it to the President.
The president was so amused that he instructed his secretary to send the little boy a $5.00 bill.
The president thought this would appear to be a lot of money to a little boy.
The little boy was delighted with the $5.00 bill and sat down and wrote a thank-you note to God, which read:
Dear God , Thank you very much for sending the money. However, I noticed that for some reason you sent it through Washington, DC.Do you know those bureaucrats deducted $95.00 in taxes!

A biology teacher wished to de...

A biology teacher wished to demonstrate to his students the harmful effects of alcohol on living organisms. For his experiment, he showed them a beaker with pond water in which there was a thriving civilization of worms. When he added some alcohol into the beaker the worms doubled-up and died.
"Now," he said,” what do you learn from this?"
An eager student gave his answer.
"Well the answer is obvious," he said " if you drink alcohol, you'll never have worms."

Wet pussy

One spring day, a fish was swimming about a foot below the surface of a lake and saw a fly hovering just out of striking distance.

The fish said to itself, "If that fly comes six inches closer, I'll jump up and have myself a meal." Just then, a bear on the shore of the lake looked up and said to itself, " If that fly gets any closer to that fish, the fish will jump up, and I'll catch the fish and have myself a meal."

As luck would have it, a hunter saw what was happening. He thought to himself, "If that fly moves closer to the fish, the fish will jump, the bear will lean over to grab the fish, and I'll shoot the bear."

Just then, a rat was standing behind the hunter saying to itself," If that fly moves closer to the fish, the fish will jump, the bear will lean over to grab the fish, the hunter will lean over to shoot the bear, and I'll grab the sandwich from the back pocket of the hunter.

However, unbeknownst to the rat, a cat was observing everything and thinking, "If that fly moves closer to the fish, the fish will jump, the bear will grab the fish, the hunter will shoot the bear, the rat will grab the sandwich, and I'll snatch the rat."

At that very moment, the fly dropped a few inches, the fish grabbed the fly, the bear grabbed the fish, the hunter shot the bear, the rat grabbed the sandwich, the cat jumped, missed the rat and landed in the lake.

The moral of this story is:

If the fly drops six inches the pussy will get wet.

A boy was teaching a girl arit...

A boy was teaching a girl arithmetic, he said it was his mission. He kissed her once; he kissed her twice and said, "Now that's addition." In silent satisfaction, she sweetly gave the kisses back and said, "Now that's subtraction." Then he kissed her, she kissed him, without an explanation. And both together smiled and said, "That's multiplication." Then her Dad appeared upon the scene and made a quick decision. He kicked that boy three blocks away and said, "That's long division!"

Proud Of Daddy

Three boys are in the schoolyard bragging about their fathers.

The first boy says, "My dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a poem, and they give him $50."

The second boy says, "That's nothing. My dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a song, and they give him $100."

The third boy says, "I got you both beat. My dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, calls it a sermon, and it takes eight people to collect all the money!"

You look familiar

You look familiar, did I see you in the zoo parade ?

I think you may have seen me at the zoo, I was the one who was feeding you peanuts.

I understand that's Animal Magic is your favorite show because so many of your relatives are on it.

I know your trying to insult me, but I know you like me. I can see your tail wagging.

That's funny you calling me an animal, and it's you that has the webbed feet.

You look familiar too, but that's not surprising, I collect bugs for a hobby.

You look familiar too, have I ever seen you hanging by the tail from the tree in my garden ?

Didn't I dissect you in a biology class one time?

I hate it when people

I hate it when people are at your house and ask, “Hey do you have a bathroom?”, and i'm like : “No, not at all, we shit in the yard .”

Why You So Fat?

A family is at the dinner table. The father looks at his oldest son.

"Tony! Why are you so fat?"

"Pop, it's Mama's casseroles!" Tony says.

"I can't stop eating them, it's so good."

"Tony, you should take a smaller bites."

Pop says.

Then Pop looks at his middle son.

"Fred! Why are you so fat?"

"Pop, it's a Mama's roast beef," Vinny says.

"I can't stop eating it, it's so good."

"Fred, you should take a smaller bites."

Then Pop looks at his youngest son, "John! How you stay so slim and trim?"

"It's easy, Pop," John says.

"I eat a lots and lots of pussy."

"Pussy? Pussy?"

Pop says.

"That tastes like shit!"

"Pop, you should a take smaller bites."

Holding onto the saddle horn

A woman from New York was driving through a remote part of Arizona when hercar broke down. An American Indian on horseback came along and offered her aride to a nearby town. She climbed up behind him on the horse and they rodeoff.
The ride was uneventful, except that every few minutes the Indian would letout a 'Ye-e-e-e-h-a-a-a-a' so loud that it echoed from the surroundinghills.
When they arrived in town, he let her off at the local service station,yelled one final 'Ye-e-e-e-h-a-a-a-a!' and rode off.
'What did you do to get that Indian so excited?' asked the service-stationattendant.
'Nothing,' the woman answered. 'I merely sat behind him on thehorse, put my arms around his waist, and held onto the saddle horn so Iwouldn't fall off.'
'Lady,' the attendant said, 'Indians don't use saddles.

How I feel on a Monday morning

How I feel on a Monday morning.