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Jokes of the day for Sunday, 29 August 2021

Funny jokes, funny photo and funny video collected from the internet on Sunday, 29 August 2021

Nude Running

A woman was having an affair while her husband was at work. One day she was in bed with her boyfriend when, to her horror, she heard her husband's car pull into the driveway.
"Oh My God - Hurry! Grab your clothes," she yelled to her lover. "And jump out the window. My husband's home early!"
"I can't jump out the window!" came the strangled reply from beneath the sheets. "It's raining out there!"
"If my husband catches us in here, he'll kill us both!" she replied.
"He's got a very quick temper and a very large gun! The rain is the least of your problems!"
So the boyfriend scoots out of bed, grabs his clothes and jumps out the window!
As he began running down the street in the pouring rain, he quickly discovered he had run right into the middle of the town's annual marathon.
He started running along beside the others about 300 of them.
Being naked, with his clothes tucked under his arm, he tried to "blend in" as best he could.
It wasn't that effective!
After a little while, a small group of runners, who had been studying him with some curiosity, jogged closer.
"Do you always run in the nude?" one asked.
"Oh yes" he replied, gasping in air. "It feels so wonderfully free having the air blow over all your skin while you're running."
Another runner moved alongside. "Do you always run carrying your clothes under your arm?"
"Oh, yes" our friend answered breathlessly. "That way I can get dressed right at the end of the run and get in my car to go home!"
Then a third runner cast his eyes a little lower and queried. "Do you always wear a condom when you run?"
"Only if it's raining."

#joke
Joke | Source: Jokes of the Day - Originally taken from site that work no more - Get Frank - NZ's Online Men's Lifestyle Magazine for Fashion, Health, Lifestyle, Recreation Articles & Reviews, Funny jokes and photos updated daily
  • Currently 8.00/10

Rating: 8.0/10 (7)

Proctologist whose hand has st

Proctologist whose hand has stuck in a patient comes to see a doctor.
"Hey, what are you doing here?" angrily exclaims the doctor, "It's a hospital, not a puppet show."
Joke | Source: Smilezilla - Daily Jokes and Funny Stories
  • Currently 5.14/10

Rating: 5.1/10 (14)

Dishes Who?

Knock Knock.
Who's there?
Dishes.
Dishes who?
Dishes Sean Connery.

#joke #short
Joke | Source: A joke a day - Free Jokes of the Day Clean Funny Jokes via Email, Humor and Entertainment
  • Currently 4.64/10

Rating: 4.6/10 (11)

The blind salesman

A guy goes into Wal-Mart to buy a rod and reel. He doesn't know which one to get, so he just grabs one and goes over to the register. There is a Wal-Mart associate standing there with dark shades on. He says, "Excuse me, Sir...can you tell me anything about this rod and reel?"

He says, "Sir, I'm blind, but if you will drop it on the counter I can tell you everything you need to know about it from the sound that it makes." The guy didn't believe him but dropped it on the counter anyway.

He said, "Thats a 6' graphite rod with a Zebco 202 reel and 10 lb. test line...It's a good all around rod and reel, and it's $20.00."

The guy says, "It is amazing that you can tell all that just by the sound of it dropping on the counter. I think it's what I'm looking for, so I'll take it."

He walks behind the counter to the register, and in the meantime the guy farts. At first he is embarrassed but then realizes that there is no way he could tell it was him. Being blind, the salesman wouldn't know that he was the only other person around. He rings up the sale and says, "That will be $25.50."

The guy says, "But didn't you say it was $20.00?" He says, "Yes sir, the rod and reel is $20.00, the duck call is $3.00, and the catfish stink bait is $2.50."

#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Thursday, 17 September 2015
  • Currently 7.44/10

Rating: 7.4/10 (16)

Begin by standing on a comfort...

Begin by standing on a comfortable surface, where you have plenty of room at each side. With a 5-lb potato sack in each hand, extend your arms straight out from your sides and hold them there as long as you can. Try to reach a full minute, and then relax. Each day you'll find that you can hold this position for just a bit longer.
After a couple of weeks, move up to 10-lb potato sacks. Then try 50-lbpotato sacks and then eventually try to get to where you can lift a 100-lbpotato sack in each hand and hold your arms straight for more than a full minute. (I'm at this level.)
After you feel confident at that level, put a potato in each of the sacks.
#joke #food #potato
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Saturday, 29 August 2015
  • Currently 8.25/10

Rating: 8.3/10 (44)

Those with fractures are ro

Those with fractures are a risk to cracks.
#joke #short
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Sunday, 15 February 2015
  • Currently 5.00/10

Rating: 5.0/10 (1)

The Gift

On the first day of school, the children brought gifts for their teacher. The florist's son brought the teacher a bouquet of flowers. The candy-store owner's daughter gave the teacher a pretty box of candy. Then the liquor-store owner's son brought up a big, heavy box. The teacher lifted it up and noticed that it was leaking a little bit. She touched a drop of the liquid with her finger and tasted it.
"Is it wine?" she guessed.
"No," the boy replied. She tasted another drop and asked, " Champagne ?
"No," said the little boy... "It's a puppy!"

#joke #drinks #wine #champagne
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Wednesday, 29 August 2012
  • Currently 6.31/10

Rating: 6.3/10 (48)

Put it back

What do you do in case of fallout?

Put it back in and take shorter strokes.

Submitted by Curtis

Edited by Calamjo

#joke #short
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Monday, 29 August 2011
  • Currently 2.68/10

Rating: 2.7/10 (47)

Begin by standing on a comfort...

Begin by standing on a comfortable surface, where you have plenty of room at each side. With a 5-lb potato sack in each hand, extend your arms straight out from your sides and hold them there as long as you can. Try to reach a full minute, and then relax. Each day you'll find that you can hold this position for just a bit longer.
After a couple of weeks, move up to 10-lb potato sacks. Then try 50-lbpotato sacks and then eventually try to get to where you can lift a 100-lbpotato sack in each hand and hold your arms straight for more than a full minute. (I'm at this level.)
After you feel confident at that level, put a potato in each of the sacks.
#joke #food #potato
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Saturday, 29 August 2015
  • Currently 8.25/10

Rating: 8.3/10 (44)

Emily Heller: Using Feminism

I have found some ways to use feminism to my own advantage -- mostly to remain lazy and disgusting.
#joke #short
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Wednesday, 29 August 2012
  • Currently 3.74/10

Rating: 3.7/10 (43)

Kathleen Madigan: Figure Skating

I always wanted to be a figure skater as a kid, too, that was like my fantasy dream. But whenever I watch it, I think I would have totally done it alone. I dont know how these people have enough control over the tempers to be working with a partner. Because if I worked with some guy for 15 years, and we got to the Olympics, and out of nowhere he just fell -- oh, Id skate around just to chop off his fingers. I would, and I would not feel bad about that -- ever. Now when youre nubbing your cereal spoon in the morning, you can look at that box and remember why were not on it.
#joke #sport #olympic
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Sunday, 29 August 2010
  • Currently 3.55/10

Rating: 3.6/10 (40)

A police officer pulls over th...

A police officer pulls over this guy who's been weaving in and out of the lanes. He goes up to the guy's window and says, "Sir, I need you to blow into this breathalyzer tube."
The man says, "Sorry, officer, I can't do that. I am an asthmatic. If I do that, I'll have a really bad asthma attack."
"Okay, fine. I need you to come down to the station to give a blood sample."
I can't do that either. I am a hemophiliac. If I do that, I'll bleed to death."
"Well, then, we need a urine sample."
"I'm sorry, officer, I can't do that either. I am also a diabetic. If I do that, I'll get really low blood sugar."
"All right, then I need you to come out here and walk this white line."
"I can't do that, officer."
"Why not?"
"Because I'm drunk."
#joke #policeman #food #sugar
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Saturday, 05 December 2009
  • Currently 6.13/10

Rating: 6.1/10 (67)

3 spies are captured and imprisoned...

An american, a russian, and an italian.

The guards come for the american, bind his hands and drag him off. The other 2 hear his screams for sn hour, then nothing. In another hour the guards drag him back in, cut his bonds and dump him on a bunk. "All my training was for nothing, i told them everything."

They take the russian bind his ha ds and drag him out. And for 4 hours the others hear screaming, then nothing. In Another hour, the guards drag the russian back in, cut him loose crying. I yhought after a life in rusdia i had suffered the worst but it was nothing compared to what they did. I told them everything.

The guards then took the italian, bound him, and dragged him out. All day, and all night the others listen to his screams. After what seemed like forever the guards dragged the italian back in, cut him loose and dump him.

The russian says"you must be the toughest man on earth!"

The american says "how did you not break?"

The italian says, "i wanted to, i tried to tell them everything. But they wouldn't untie my hands!!!

#joke
Joke | Source: Reddit Jokes: Get Your Funny On! - The funniest sub on reddit. Hundreds of jokes posted each day, and some of them aren't even reposts!
  • Currently 8.25/10

Rating: 8.3/10 (8)

People don't always post on my Facebook wall

People don't always post on my Facebook wall but when they do, they wish me happy birthday and then ignore me for another year.
#joke #short
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Sunday, 01 May 2016
  • Currently 6.17/10

Rating: 6.2/10 (6)

After 3 years, the wife starts

After 3 years, the wife starts to think that their child looks different, so she decides to do a DNA test. She finds out that the child is actually from completely different parents.
Wife: Honey, I have something very serious to tell you.
Husband: What’s up?
Wife: According to DNA test results, this is not our child.
Husband: Well don’t you remember? When we were leaving the hospital, we noticed that our baby had a wet diaper and you said, “Honey, go change the baby, I’ll wait for you here.”
#joke #food #honey
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Friday, 10 August 2018
  • Currently 7.84/10

Rating: 7.8/10 (19)

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