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Jokes of the day for Friday, 10 August 2018

Funny jokes, funny photo and funny video collected from the internet on Friday, 10 August 2018

It was the first day of school...

It was the first day of school and the teacher was asking the little boy about his family.
"And what does your Daddy do?"
"He's a magician."
"That must be exciting, what tricks can he do?"
"He can saw people in half."
"That is clever, and tell me do you have any brothers or sisters?"
"Yes, one half brother, and two half sisters."
#joke
Joke | Source: Smilezilla - Daily Jokes and Funny Stories
  • Currently 7.70/10

Rating: 7.7/10 (10)

Livelihood is an ene...

“Livelihood is an energetic gangster.”

#joke #short
  • Currently 1.40/10

Rating: 1.4/10 (10)

SLIDESHOW #77 - Funny Photo Slideshow

Painting Shows It All

At an exhibition of military painting a visitor was admiring a picture.
"What a great realist that painter is!" he exclaimed.
"What painter?"
"The one that painted this picture 'Soldiers at Work'."
"Yes, hut something is wrong there. Those soldiers aren't working at all!"
"That is just the greatest stroke of realism in the picture!"
#joke
Joke | Source: Joke of the Day - Jokes served hot and fresh daily.
  • Currently 4.10/10

Rating: 4.1/10 (10)

After 3 years, the wife starts

After 3 years, the wife starts to think that their child looks different, so she decides to do a DNA test. She finds out that the child is actually from completely different parents.
Wife: Honey, I have something very serious to tell you.
Husband: What’s up?
Wife: According to DNA test results, this is not our child.
Husband: Well don’t you remember? When we were leaving the hospital, we noticed that our baby had a wet diaper and you said, “Honey, go change the baby, I’ll wait for you here.”
#joke
Joke | Source: Jokes of The Day - By Jokes of the day visitor
  • Currently 7.84/10

Rating: 7.8/10 (19)

The Lawyer at the Pearly Gates

Recently a teacher, a garbage collector, and a lawyer wound up together at the Pearly Gates. St. Peter informed them that in order to get into heaven, they would each have to answer one question.St. Peter addressed the teacher and asked, “What was the name of the ship that crashed into the iceberg? They just made a movie about it.” The teacher answered quickly, “That would be the Titanic.” St. Peter let her through the gate.St. Peter turned to the garbage man and figuring heaven didn’t REALLY need all the odors this guy would bring with him, decided to make the question a little harder: “How many people died on the ship?” But the trash man had just seen the movie, too, and he answered, “about 1,500.”“That’s right! You may enter,” said Peter.Then St. Peter turned to the lawyer and said, “Name them.”
#joke #lawyer
Joke | Source: Belief net - Joke of the day, features on religion, spirituality, faith
  • Currently 8.33/10

Rating: 8.3/10 (30)

Name The States

Mr. Jones, the elementary school principal, made it a practice to visit the classes from time to time. One day he walked into Miss Sandy Smith's 4th grade class, where the children were studying American History. Mr. Jones asked the class how many states they could name.

They came up with about 40 names. Miss Sandy Smith came up with four more.

Not impressed, Mr Jones told them that in his day students knew the names of all the states.

From the back of the room Little Johnny yelled, "Yeah, but in those days there were only 13!"

#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Sunday, 16 August 2015
  • Currently 6.00/10

Rating: 6.0/10 (8)

At a college with a shady repu

At a college with a shady reputation, the new dean respondedto investigations into the basketball team by suspending anybasketball player who wasn't maintaining a passing average.Furious, the coach came storming into the dean's office,followed by one of his star players.
"You can't keep him from playing!" the coach roared. "We won'twin this weekend without him!"
"I don't care," the dean said. "Things have gotten out of hand atthis college."
"What do you mean, out of hand?" the coach demanded.
"I'll show you what I mean," the dean said. He turned to thebasketball player and said, "Tell me,how much is six timesseven?"
The player thought for several seconds. Then he said, "Thirty-one?"
The dean turned to the coach and said, "I rest my case."
"Oh, come on now," the coach said. "Why are you makingsuch a big deal of it? After all, he only missed it by one."
#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Monday, 01 June 2015
  • Currently 3.58/10

Rating: 3.6/10 (12)

A grasshopper walks into a bar...

A grasshopper walks into a bar and the bartender says, 'Hey, we have a drink named after you!'

The grasshopper looks surprised and says, 'You have a drink named Steve?'
#joke #short #walksintoabar
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Saturday, 10 August 2013
  • Currently 5.27/10

Rating: 5.3/10 (102)

The Devil

George Bush, Queen Elizabeth, and Vladimir Putin all die and go to hell.
While there, they spy a red phone and ask what the phone is for. The devil tells them it is for calling back to Earth.
Putin asks to call Russia and talks for 5 minutes. When he is finished the devil informs him that the cost is a million dollars, so Putin writes him a check.
Next Queen Elizabeth calls England and talks for 30 minutes. When she is finished the devil informs her that the cost is 6 million dollars, so she writes him a check.
Finally George Bush gets his turn and talks for 4 hours. When he is finished the devil informs him that the cost is $5.00.
When Putin hears this he goes ballistic and asks the devil why Bush got to call the USA so cheaply. The devil smiles and replies: "Since Obama took over, the country has gone to hell, so it's a local call."
#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Tuesday, 10 August 2010
  • Currently 4.59/10

Rating: 4.6/10 (73)

Chuck Norris once leaned again...

Chuck Norris once leaned against a tower in Pisa, Italy.
#joke #short #chucknorris
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Wednesday, 10 August 2011
  • Currently 3.20/10

Rating: 3.2/10 (51)

Stock market report...

Helium was up, feathers were down.
Paper was stationary.
Fluorescent tubing was dimmed in light trading.
Knives were up sharply.
Cows steered into a bull market.
Pencils lost a few points.
Hiking equipment was trailing.
Elevators rose, while escalators continued their slow decline.
Weights were up in heavy trading.
Light switches were off.
Mining equipment hit rock bottom.
Diapers remained unchanged.
Shipping lines stayed at an even keel.
The market for raisins dried up.
Coca Cola fizzled.
Caterpillar stock inched up a bit.
Sun peaked at midday.
Balloon prices were inflated.
Scott Tissue touched a new bottom.
And batteries exploded in an attempt to recharge the market
#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Sunday, 10 August 2008
  • Currently 5.98/10

Rating: 6.0/10 (41)

The Lawyer at the Pearly Gates

Recently a teacher, a garbage collector, and a lawyer wound up together at the Pearly Gates. St. Peter informed them that in order to get into heaven, they would each have to answer one question.
St. Peter addressed the teacher and asked, “What was the name of the ship that crashed into the iceberg? They just made a movie about it.” The teacher answered quickly, “That would be the Titanic.” St. Peter let her through the gate.
St. Peter turned to the garbage man and figuring heaven didn’t REALLY need all the odors this guy would bring with him, decided to make the question a little harder: “How many people died on the ship?” But the trash man had just seen the movie, too, and he answered, “about 1,500.”
“That’s right! You may enter,” said Peter.
Then St. Peter turned to the lawyer and said, “Name them.”
This joke was reprinted from "The Book of Catholic Jokes" by Deacon Tom Sheridan, with permission of ACTA Publications. Copyright 2008. All rights reserved.

#joke #lawyer
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Tuesday, 10 August 2010
  • Currently 5.44/10

Rating: 5.4/10 (34)

What's your job?

Me: What's your job?
Him: I'm an assassin.
Me: Good pay?
Him: I make a killing!
#joke #short
Joke | Source: Jokes of The Day - By Jokes of the day visitor
  • Currently 6.44/10

Rating: 6.4/10 (9)

A man is dining in a fancy res...

A man is dining in a fancy restaurant, and there is a gorgeous redhead sitting at the next table. He had been checking her out since he sat down, but lacked the nerve to talk with her.
Suddenly she sneezes and her glass eye comes flying out of its socket towards the man. He reflexively reaches out, grabs it out of the air, and hands it back.
"Oh my, I am so sorry," the woman says as she pops her eye back in place. "Let me buy you dessert to make it up to you."
They enjoy a wonderful dessert together, and afterwards, the woman invites him to the theater followed by drinks. After paying for everything, she asks him if he would like to come to her place for a nightcap...and stay for breakfast the next morning.
The next morning, she cooks a gourmet meal with all the trimmings. The guy is amazed! Everything has been incredible!
"You know," he said, "you are the perfect woman. Are you this nice to every guy you meet?"
"No," she replies...
... "You just happened to catch my eye
#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Wednesday, 23 November 2016
  • Currently 8.66/10

Rating: 8.7/10 (44)

This Guy’s Got His Panhandling Strategy Sorted

Jose and Carlos are panhandlers that panhandle in different areas of town.
Carlos panhandles just as long as Jose but only collects $2-3 every day.
Jose brings home a suitcase FULL of $10 bills every day, drives a Mercedes, lives in a mortgage-free house and has a lot of money to spend.
One day, Carlos asked Jose: “I work just as long and hard as you do, but how do you bring home a suitcase full of $10 bills every day?”
“Look at your sign, what does it say?” replies Jose.
Carlos’ sign reads: “I have no work, a wife and six kids to support.”
Jose says: “no wonder you only get $2-3.”
‘Carlos says: “So what does your sign say then?”
Jose shows Carlos his sign – it reads: “I only need another $10 to move back to Mexico”

#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Tuesday, 12 December 2017
  • Currently 8.45/10

Rating: 8.5/10 (44)

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