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Jokes of the day for Friday, 05 November 2021

Funny jokes, funny photo and funny video collected from the internet on Friday, 05 November 2021

If American Express started a

If American Express started a mail-order dildo business, member-ship would have its privileges.
#joke #short
Joke | Source: Pun Gents - Daily Jokes, One-liners, Groaners, Puns of the day :: Puns on Demand :: Punshine Girls and Boys!
  • Currently 1.67/10

Rating: 1.7/10 (6)

Head Up High

"Can you stand on your head?"
"Nope. It's too high."

#joke #short
Joke | Source: A joke a day - Free Jokes of the Day Clean Funny Jokes via Email, Humor and Entertainment
  • Currently 2.33/10

Rating: 2.3/10 (3)

Mary Jane was walking on the b

Mary Jane was walking on the beach one day and saw a shark swimming around a man.
The man was screaming, "Help me! Help me!"
Mary Jane laughed and laughed... She knew that the shark was never going to help that man!
#joke #short #animal #shark #sport #swimming
Joke | Source: Smilezilla - Daily Jokes and Funny Stories
  • Currently 1.67/10

Rating: 1.7/10 (6)

Casino Money

A man spent a weekend gambling in Las Vegas casinos, and he won $100,000. He didn't want anyone to know about it, so whan he came back home, he immediately went out to the backyard of his house, dug a hole and planted the money in it.
The next morning he walked outside and found only an empty hole. He noticed footsteps leading from the hole to the house next door, which was owned by a deaf-mute. On the same street lived a professor who understood sign language and was a friend of the deaf man. Grabbing his pistol, the enraged man went to awaken the professor and dragged him to the deaf man's house. He screamed at the professor:
"You tell this guy that if he doesn't give me back my money I'll kill him!"
The professor conveyed the message to his friend, and his friend replied in sign language: "I hid it in my backyard, underneath the cherry tree."

Money

The professor turned to the man with the gun and said: "He's not going to tell you. He said he'd rather die first."

#joke #fruit #cherry
Joke | Source: Jokes of the Day - Originally taken from site that work no more - Get Frank - NZ's Online Men's Lifestyle Magazine for Fashion, Health, Lifestyle, Recreation Articles & Reviews, Funny jokes and photos updated daily
  • Currently 4.50/10

Rating: 4.5/10 (14)

The Preacher and the Peanuts

A preacher visits an elderly woman from his congregation. As he sits on the couch, he notices a large bowl of peanuts on the coffee table. "Mind if I have a few?" he asks. "No, not at all!" the woman replied. They chat for an hour and, as the preacher stands to leave, he realizes that instead of eating just a few peanuts, he emptied most of the bowl. "I'm terribly sorry for eating all your peanuts. I really just meant to eat a few." "Oh, that's all right," the woman says. "Ever since I lost my teeth, all I can do is suck the chocolate off them."-
#joke #food #peanuts #chocolate #eating #drinks #coffee
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Sunday, 11 July 2021
  • Currently 5.00/10

Rating: 5.0/10 (10)

A new apartment...

Having been married ten years and still living in an apartment, the wife would often complain about anything, as she was tired of saving every penny to buy a "dream home".

Trying to placate her, the husband found a new apartment, within their budget. However, after the first week, she began complaining again.

"Johnatahan," she said, "I don't like this place at all. There are no curtains in the bathroom. The neighbors can see me every time I take a bath."

"Don't worry." replied her husband. "If the neighbors do see you, they'll buy curtains...."

#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Tuesday, 24 November 2015
  • Currently 8.12/10

Rating: 8.1/10 (17)

A fellow bought a new Mercedes...

A fellow bought a new Mercedes and was out on the Yellowhead for a nice evening drive. The top was down, the breeze was blowing through his hair and he decided to open her up. As the needle jumped up to 80 mph he suddenly saw a flashing red and blue light behind him.
"There ain't no way they can catch a Mercedes," he thought to himself and opened her up further. The needle hit 90, 100 110 and finally 120 with the lights still behind him. "What in heck am I doing?" he thought and pulled over.
The Mountie came up to him, took his license without a word and examined it and the car. "I've had a tough shift and this is my last pull over. I don't feel like more paperwork so if you can give mean excuse for your driving that I haven't heard before you can go."
"Last week my wife ran off with a cop," the man said, "and I was afraid you were trying to give her back!"
"Have a nice night", said the officer.
#joke #policeman
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Thursday, 05 November 2009
  • Currently 6.09/10

Rating: 6.1/10 (68)

A man was lying in bed with hi...

A man was lying in bed with his new girlfriend. After having great sex she spent the next hour just rubbing his testicles ... Something she just loved to do.
As he was enjoying it, he turned and asked her, "Why do you love doing that?"
"Because," she replied ... "I really miss mine."
#joke #short
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Saturday, 05 November 2016
  • Currently 8.04/10

Rating: 8.0/10 (53)

Occupational Hazard

Three men are on a road trip when they pull over to stay at a hotel that they see. They go in and see the lady who apparently runs the joint and they ask her for a vacant room.

She replied, "Sure, but only if you DON'T go into the basement!".

The men agree and she gives them a room.

That night, the men are so curious that they sneak into the basement... only to find that it's full of chopped off dicks!! The woman that runs the places sees them and says, "Okay, now I'm going to have to add you all to my collection."

She asks the first man, "What does YOUR father do for a living?" and he says "Well, my dad is in the lawnmoving business."

So the woman finds a lawnmover and off goes his dick.

The woman asks the second man, "What does YOUR father do for a living?" and he replies in tears "My dad is in the tool supply industry."

So she finds a saw and off does his dick.

The woman then turns to the third guy only to see that he is laughing hysterically! "Why the hell are you laughing?!? Don't you know what's going to happen to you!?!"

He smiles and says, "Yeah, my dad is in the lollipop business - you're gonna hafta suck mine off!"

#joke #father
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Saturday, 05 November 2011
  • Currently 4.13/10

Rating: 4.1/10 (45)

I Get No Respect 05


"I knew a girl that was so ugly that... She was known as a two bagger. That's when a girl is so ugly that you put a bag over your head in case the bag over her head breaks"
"I knew a girl that was so ugly that... I bent down to pet her cat only to find that it was the hair on her legs."
"I knew a girl that was so ugly that... I took her to a dog show and she won first prize."
"I knew a girl that was so ugly that... I took her to the top of the Empire State building and planes started to attack her."
"I knew a girl that was so ugly that... She looks like she came in second in a hatchet fight!"
"I knew a girl that was so ugly that... The last time I saw a mouth like hers it had a hook on the end of it."
I knew a girl that was so ugly that... She has a face like a saint--A saint bernard!"
"One day...as I came home early from work...I saw a guy jogging naked. I said to the guy...Hey buddy...why are you doing that for? He said..Because you came home early."

#joke #animal #cat #dog #pet #sport #jogging
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Thursday, 05 November 2009
  • Currently 3.74/10

Rating: 3.7/10 (38)

John Ramsey: Old Security Passwords

So they ask me, Would you like to answer your secret security password question? I think, Oh yeah, surely I can answer a question posed by slightly younger me.
#joke #short
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Saturday, 05 November 2011
  • Currently 3.61/10

Rating: 3.6/10 (31)

Saint George and the Dragon

April 23rd is St. George’s Day, named after St. George, the patron saint of England.

A weary traveler in 18th century England, hungry and tired, approached a roadside inn with a sign that read: "Saint George and the Dragon."

He knocked on the door. The innkeeper's wife poked her head out of a window.

"Any chance for a bite to eat?" he inquired.

The woman eyed his ragged, filthy clothes and yelled, "No!"

"May I have a pint of ale?"

"No!" she yelled back.

"Can I at least rest in your stable?"

"No!" she yelled once more.

The traveler tried again, "Could I kindly...?"

"What is it now?" the woman snapped, cutting him off.

"Would it be possible," he asked, "to have a chat with George?"

#joke #food #hungry
Joke | Source: Jokes of The Day - By Jokes of the day visitor
  • Currently 4.25/10

Rating: 4.3/10 (4)

My pig developed a r...

“My pig developed a rash, so the veterinarian prescribed an oinkment.”

#joke #short #animal #pig
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Tuesday, 05 January 2016
  • Currently 8.60/10

Rating: 8.6/10 (10)

The Baseball Playoffs are On!

Sidney telephones Rabbi Levy. He says, "Rabbi, I know tonight is Yom Kippur, but tonight the Yankees are in the playoffs. Rabbi, I'm a life-long Yankees fan. I've got to watch the Yankees game on TV."Rabbi Levy replies, "Sidney, that's what video recorders are for." Sidney is surprised. "You mean I can tape Yom Kippur?"
#joke #sport #baseball
Joke | Source: Belief net - Joke of the day, features on religion, spirituality, faith
  • Currently 8.47/10

Rating: 8.5/10 (15)

Lewis Black: Absolute Faith

You cant deny the faith of these people that we fight: its absolute. They believe that if they kill themselves, theyll be met in heaven with 70-some-odd virgins. Imagine that kind of faith -- to think that that would happen, when I havent met one on earth.
#joke #short
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Tuesday, 12 July 2011
  • Currently 3.97/10

Rating: 4.0/10 (38)

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