Jokes of the day for Sunday, 27 March 2022

I got a legal separation. Let&

I got a legal separation. Let's have apart-y!

An 87 year-old man went to the...

An 87 year-old man went to the doctor to get a physical.
A few days later, the doctor saw the man walking down the street with a gorgeous young lady on his arm.
A couple of days later, when the old man had an appointment with the doctor again, the doctor said, "You're really doing great, aren't you?"
The man replied, "Just doing what you said doctor, "Get a hot mama and be cheerful."
The doctor said, "I didn't say that!... I said you have got a heart murmur. Be careful!"

The Last Quarter

The economy is terrible. At the beginning of the year, the politicians promised things would improve by the last quarter...
Well, I'm down to my last quarter and they haven't improved!

Off duty....

A police officer, though scheduled for all-night duty at the station, was relieved of duty early and arrived home four hours ahead of schedule, at 2 in the morning. Not wanting to wake his wife, he undressed in the dark, crept into the bedroom and started to climb into bed. Just then, his wife sleepily sat up and said, "Mike, dearest, would you go down to the all-night drug store on the next block and get me some aspirin? I've got a splitting headache."

"Certainly, honey," he said, and feeling his way across the dark room, he got dressed and walked over to the drug store.

As he arrived, the pharmacist looked up in surprise, "Say," said the druggist, "I know you - aren't you a policeman? Officer Fenwick, right?"

"Yeah, so?" said the officer.

"Well what the heck are you doing all dressed up like the Fire Chief?"

Smart puppy

A guy went to the cinema one day and noticed an old man with a dog in the front row. It was a sad, funny kind of film and the guy noticed that during the sad parts the dog cried his eyes out, and during the funny parts, the dog laughed its head off.

This happened throughout the film. After the film ended, the guy decided to go and speak to the old man.

"That's the most amazing thing I've seen," he said. "That dog really seemed to enjoy the film."

The old man turned to him and said: "Yeah, it is amazing. He hated the book."

Jessi Klein: Sexy Librarian

I have brown hair and I wear these glasses, and I usually have my hair up in a bun, so the other thing guys have often said to me is, Youre like a sexy librarian. Youre like a sexy librarian type. Youre a sexy librarian. And Im like, Ive always thought of myself as more of a bookish whore. Sort of, you know, less of a nerd, more of a slut.

A Confident Genius

A proud and confident genius makes a bet with an idiot.

The genius says, "Hey idiot, every question I ask you that you don't know the answer, you have to give me $5. And if you ask me a question and I can't answer yours I will give you $5,000."

The idiot says, "Okay."

The genius then asks, "How many continents are there in the world?" The idiot doesn't know and hands over the $5.

The idiot says, "Now me ask: what animal stands with two legs but sleeps with three?"

The genius tries and searches very hard for the answer but gives up and hands over the $5,000.

The genius says, "Dang it, I lost. By the way, what was the answer to your question?"

The idiot hands over $5.

TWO tigers are walking through...

TWO tigers are walking through the jungle when the one at the back licks the behind of the one in front. The lead tiger turns and says: "Hey, cut it out." The other tiger says sorry and they continue on their way. Five minutes later the rear tiger licks the other's backside again. The front tiger gets angry, but the other tiger just apologises.
After another five minutes, he does it again. The front tiger turns and says: "What is it with you? I told you to stop." The other tiger says: "I really am sorry but I just ate a lawyer and I'm just trying to get the taste out of my mouth."

Never criticize someone unless...

Never criticize someone unless you walk a mile in his or her shoes, and then when you criticize them you'll be a mile away and have their shoes!

The Sklar Brothers: Andrew Dice Clay

Jason Sklar: After Dice performs for an hour its no longer a comedy room. Its a disaster area.
Randy Sklar: I dont want to say it was a disaster area, but FEMA showed up three weeks late.

Lizard Jokes - to celebrate World Lizard Day

August 14th is World Lizard Day. Get involved with celebrating World Lizard Day by sharing some Lizard jokes

I returned my lizard to the pet store as he wouldn’t stop telling dad jokes.
That’s not a lizard, the store clerk told me.
That’s a stand-up chameleon

I saw a lizard ...
and it became a spotted lizard

What do lizards like to eat with their hamburgers?
French flies

Why did the lizard go on a diet?
Because it was overweight according to its scales.

What do lizards put on their kitchen floors?
Rep-tiles

What is a reptile’s favorite movie?
The Lizard of Oz

What’s a lizard’s favorite sport?
Cricket.

What did the mom chameleon say to her nervous kid on the first day of school?
“Don’t worry, you’ll blend right in!”

Why are lizards so mean and selfish?
Because they are too cold-blooded.

What is a gecko who knows magic called?
A: A Lizard Wizard.

A man walks into a bar with a lizard on his shoulder.
Walks into a bar
He goes up to the barman and says:
I'll have a pint please and a gin and tonic for Tiny here
The barman starts making the drinks and asks
Why do you call him Tiny?
The guy says:
Because he's my newt.

Scottish Wedding

Glasgow boys Archie and Jock were sitting in the pub discussing Jock’s forthcoming wedding.

‘Aye, it’s all going like magic,’ said Jock. ‘I've got everything organized already: the flowers, the church, the cars, the reception, the rings, the minister, even ma stag night.’

Archie nodded approvingly.

‘Hell, I've even bought a kilt to be married in!’ continued Jock.

‘A kilt?’ exclaimed Archie. ‘That’s grand, you'll look pure smart in that! And what’s the tartan?”

‘Ach,’ said Jock, ‘I imagine she’ll be in white

A wife was making a breakfast ...

A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband.
Suddenly, her husband burst into the ki tchen.
"Careful," he said, "CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh my GOD!
You're cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW! We need more butter. Oh my GOD! WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER? They're going to STICK! Careful . CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL! You NEVER listen to me when you're cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry up! Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind? Don't forget to salt them. You know you always forget to salt them.
Use the salt. USE THE SALT! THE SALT!"

The wife stared at him. "What in the world is wrong with you? You think I don't know how to fry a couple of eggs?"

The husband calmly replied, "I just wanted to show you what it feels like when I'm driving."

Things to do @ Wal-Mart w...

Things to do @ Wal-Mart while the significant other is taking his/her sweet time:

1. Look right into the security camera, and use it as a mirror while you pick your nose.
2. Take up an entire aisle in Toys by setting up a full scale battlefield with G. I. Joe's vs. the X-Men.
3. Ask other customers if they have any Grey Poupon.
4. Switch the men's and women's signs on the doors of the restroom.
5. Dart around suspiciously while humming the theme from "Mission Impossible."
6. Set up a "Valet Parking" sign in front of the store.
7. Hide in the clothing racks and when people browse through, say things like "pick me! pick me!!"
8. If the store has a food court, buy a soft drink; explain that you don't get out much, and ask if they can put a little umbrella in it.

The Skin Graft

A married couple was in a terrible accident where the man's face was severely burned. The doctor told the husband that they couldn't graft any skin from his body because he was too skinny. So the wife offered to donate some of her own skin.
However, the only skin on her body that the doctor felt was suitable would have to come from her buttocks.
The husband and wife agreed that they would tell no one about where the skin came from, and they requested that the doctor also honor their secret. After all, this was a very delicate matter.
After the surgery was completed, everyone was astounded at the man's new face. He looked more handsome than he ever had before! All his friends and relatives just went on and on about his youthful beauty!
One day, he was alone with his wife, and he was overcome with emotion at her sacrifice. He said, "Dear, I just want to thank you for everything you did for me. How can I possibly repay you?"
"My darling," she replied, "I get all the thanks I need every time I see your mother kiss you on the cheeks.