Jokes of the day for Thursday, 31 March 2022

Why do those with big noses li

Why do those with big noses like making out with their supervisors?

"Rebbe, in my apartment beside

"Rebbe, in my apartment besides me and my wife, there are also my children and my mother-in-law and I don't have enough room! What should I do?"
Rebbe: "Bring a goat in the house. Let him live with you."
The guy: "But Rebbe, there is no place for me!"
Rebbe: "Bring a goat in the house, I tell you!"
In a month the guy comes again... "Rebbe, it became much worse, there is no place. With the goat in the apartment there is no place to move."
Rebbe: "Now get rid of the goat!"
On the next day, guy comes to Rebbe full with happiness: "Thank you, thank you Rebbe. It is so good now, so much space!"

Little Johnny Is Telling Lies

A women is getting lunch ready when the phone rings.
"This is the middle school calling about your son Johnny. He's been caught telling unbelievable lies."
"I'll say he has," the woman replies, "I don't have a son."

TOP 10 SIGNS YOUR KID IS SPENDING WAY TOO MUCH TIME ON HIS COMPUTER

TOP 10 SIGNS YOUR KID IS SPENDING WAY TOO MUCH TIME ON HIS COMPUTER
David Letterman, April 23, 199710. Named his hamsters 'I' 'B' 'M'

9. Every day after school, eats his weight in silicon chips 'n' salsa

8. He somehow uses morphing technology to make your cat look just like David Duchovny

7. He's been in bed all week with a computer virus

6. Refers to having sex as 'Logging On'

5. His name: Carl. His Nickname: 'Carpal Tunnel Carl'

4. During power outage, paced around house like a caffeinated squirrel

3. He calls you 'WWW.DADDY.COM'

2. Walls of his room covered with printouts of a naked Bill Gates

1. 2 Words: 'Cyber Acne'

Need to be dismissed

A man who was chosen for jury duty really wanted to be dismissed from serving. He tried every excuse he could think of but none of them worked. On the day of the trial, he decided to give it one more shot. As the trial was about to begin, he asked if he could approach the bench. "Your Honor," he said, "I must be excused from this trial because I am prejudiced against the defendant. I took one look at the man in the blue suit with those beady eyes and that dishonest face and I said 'He's a crook! He's guilty!' So, your Honor, I cannot possibly stay on this jury!"

With a tired annoyance the judge replied: "Get back in the jury box, you fool. That man is the defendant's lawyer."

So this sardarji is walking th...

So this sardarji is walking the other day and comes across a banana peel on the road.
Can you guess what he might be thinking??
Saala aaj bhi girna padega!!!

Stopped By The Police

John and Jessica were on their way home from the bar one night and John got pulled over by the police. The officer told John that he was stopped because his tail light was burned out. John said, "I'm very sorry officer, I didn't realize it was out, I'll get it fixed right away."
Just then Jessica said, "I knew this would happen when I told you two days ago to get that light fixed."
So the officer asked for John's license and after looking at it said, "Sir your license has expired."
And again John apologized and mentioned that he didn't realize that it had expired and would take care of it first thing in the morning.
Jessica said, "I told you a week ago that the state sent you a letter telling you that your license had expired."
Well by this time, John is a bit upset with his wife contradicting him in front of the officer, and he said in a rather loud voice, "Jessica, shut your mouth!"
The officer then leaned over toward Jessica and asked. "Does your husband always talk to you like that?"
Jessica replied, "only when he's drunk."

Three old ladies are sitting i...

Three old ladies are sitting in a diner, chatting about various things. One lady says, "You know, I'm getting really forgetful. This morning, I was standing at the top of the stairs, and I couldn't remember whether I had just come up or was about to go down." The second lady says, "You think that's bad? The other day, I was sitting on the edge of my bed, and I couldn't remember whether I was going to bed or had just waken up!" The third lady smiles smugly. "Well, my memory's just as good as it's always been, knock on wood." She raps the table. With a startled look on her face, she asks, "Who's there?!"

A Meeting With the Board

After a long, dry sermon, the minister announced that he wished to meet with the church board after the service. The first man to arrive was a stranger.
“You misunderstood my announcement. This is a meeting of the board,” said the minister.
“I know,” said the man. “If there is anyone here more bored than I am, I’d like to meet him.”

All the good knights were leav

All the good knights were leaving for the Crusades.
One knight told his best friend: "My bride is without doubt one of the most beautiful women in the world. It would be a terrible waste if no man could have her. Therefore, as my best and most trusted friend, I am leaving you the key to her chastity belt to use should I not return from the Crusade."
The company of knights were only a mile or so out of town when they noticed a cloud of dust approaching.
Thinking it might be an important message from the town the column halted.
A horseman approached. It was the knight's best friend.
He yells: "Hey, you gave me the wrong key!!"

One evening a father overheard...

One evening a father overheard his son saying his prayers "God bless Mommy, Daddy and Grammy. Goodbye Grampa."
Well, the father thought it was strange, but he soon forgot about it. The next day, the Grandfather died.
A month later the father heard his sony saying prayers again: "God bless Mommy. God bless Daddy. Goodbye Grammy." The next day the grandmother died. Well, the father was getting more than a little woried about the whole situation.
One week later, the father once again overheard his sons prayers. "God Bless Mommy. Good bye Daddy."
This nearly gave the father a heart attack. He didn't say anything but he got up early to go to work, so that he would miss the traffic. He stayed all through lunch and dinner. Finally after midnight he went home. He was still alive! When he got home he appologised to his wife. "I am sorry Honey. I had a very bad day at work today."
"You think you've had a bad day? YOU THINK YOU'VE HAD A BAD DAY!?" the wife yelled, "The mailman dropped dead on my doorstep this morning!"

Blessing a Body…?

A newly ordained deacon was asked to hold a graveside service for someone with no family or friends. It was his first official assignment, so he eagerly agreed.Taking his duties very seriously, the deacon let early the next morning for the cemetery. However, he made several wrong turns and quickly got himself lost. When he finally arrived more than an hour late, the hearse was nowhere to be seen and the two workmen were eating lunch.The deacon got out of his car, quickly threw on his vestments, and hurried to the open grave. Looking into the pit, he saw that the vault lid was already in place. With a sign, he took out his prayer book and read the burial service. After he had left, one of the workmen said to the other, “Maybe we should have told him he just blessed a septic tank.”

Offer Legal Advice

Taylor was desperate for business, and was happy to be appointed by the court to defend an indigent defendant.
The judge ordered Taylor, "You are to confer with the defendant in the hallway, and give him the best legal advice you can."
After a time, Taylor re-entered the courtroom alone.
When the judge asked where the defendant had gone, Taylor replied, "You asked me to give him good advice. I found out that he was guilty, so I told him to split."

I love you today and I will love you tomorrow

I love you today and I will love you tomorrow, and the next day and even next week.
In 4 months, I will love you, just like I loved you yesterday. 40 years from now, I’ll run my hands through my grey hair and smile at the thought of how much I love you. I just hope you’ll be with me through all that time.

When I got rejected by a woman

When I got rejected by a woman who was hooked up to life support...
it was so invalid dating.