Jokes of the day for Monday, 02 May 2022
| Funny jokes, funny photo and funny video collected from the internet on Monday, 02 May 2022 |
Level Headed
Tom tried to calm himself down in the middle of a severe argument with his wife Jany. He said to her, “Let us not fight any more. We should try to sort this out in a level-headed manner.”
Fuming with anger, Jany replied, “No. Whenever we try to sort things out in a level-headed manner, I lose!”
Thanks for the harmonica
"Thanks for the harmonica you gave me for Christmas," little Joshua said to his uncle the first time he saw him after the holidays. "It's the best present I ever got.""That's great," said his uncle. "Do you know how to play it?"
"Oh, I don't play it," the little fellow said. "My mom gives me a dollar a day not to play it during the day and my dad gives me five dollars a week not to play it at night."
Simon Says?
The new minister stood at the church door greeting the members as they left the Sunday morning service. While most of the people told the minster how much they liked his message, one man seemingly had a different opinion. “That was a very dull and boring sermon, Pastor,” he said. The pastor was a bit baffled by this, but he continued shaking hands.A few minutes later, the same man again appeared in line and said, “I don’t think you did much in the way of preparation for your message.”Once again, the man circled back and appeared in line, this time muttering, “You really blew it. You didn’t have a thing to say, Pastor.”Finally, the minister could stand it no longer. He went to one of the deacons and inquired about the man. “Oh, don’t let that guy bother you,” said the deacon. “He’s a little slow. All he does is go around repeating whatever he hears other people saying.”A policeman's eyes
A policeman pulls a man over.
"Sir," he says, "I noticed that your eyes are bloodshot. Have you been drinking?"
"Officer," responds the man, "I noticed that your eyes are glazed. Have you been eating doughnuts?"
Good thinking
Two brunettes and a blonde are driving in the desert when, all of a sudden, their car breaks down.
As none of them have any motoring knowledge, they decide to walk. Each of them decides to take one thing with her.
The first brunette takes some food in case she gets hungry, the second brunette takes some water in case she gets thirsty and the blonde takes a car door.
When questioned about her choice, the blonde replies:
"Well, if I get hot, I can roll down the window!"
The children were lined up in...
The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic elementary school for lunch. At the head of the table was a large pile of apples.. The nun made a note, and posted on the apple tray: 'Take only ONE . God is watching.' Moving further along the lunch line, at the other end of the table was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies.
A child had written a note, 'Take all you want. God is watching the apples'.
Feels great...
A fellow wakes up one morning, singing and whistling to himself, "I feel great, just great". Goes down to greet his wife, and tells her, "I feel great, honey!"She replies,. "Well you look terrible"!
He shakes his head and starts out to work thinking, "She's probably in a bad mood, can't appreciate my good feelings". Meets his best friend, Joe and says, "Joe, I feel great".
Joe looks at him and says "Jeez, you really look terrible"! At this point the fellow is becoming worried and wonders, "Maybe I've got some unusual disease or something." He quickly calls his physician and heads on over for an emergency consult. He tells the physician, "Doc, I feel great, but everyone is telling me I look terrible."
The physician replies, "Well, you do look terrible. Let me look this up." The physician consults his handbook (Merck, of course) and leafing through the pages mutters to himself: "Feels great, looks great, no that's not you". "Feels terrible, looks terrible, no that's not you". "Feels great, looks terrible...Yes that's you... "It says here you're a vagina!"
Chuck Norris can skip water on...
Chuck Norris can skip water on a rock.Two elderly gentlemen, who had...
Two elderly gentlemen, who had been without sex for several years, decided they needed to visit a cat-house for some tail. When they arrived, the madam took one look at them and decided she wasn't going to waste any of her girls on these two old men. So she used "blow-up" dolls instead. She put the dolls in each man's room and left them to their business. After the two men were finished, they started for home and got to talking.
The first man said, "I think the girl I had was dead. She never moved, talked or even groaned... how was it for you?"
The second man replied, "I think mine was a witch."
The first man asked, "How's that?"
"Well," said the second man, "when I nibbled on her breast... she farted and flew out the window!"
An Englishman wanted to become...
An Englishman wanted to become an Irishman, so he visited a doctor to find out how to go about this. "Well" said the doctor, "this is a very delicate operation and there is a lot that can go wrong. I will have to remove half your brain". "That's OK" said the Englishman. "I've always wanted to be Irish and I'm prepared to take the risk".The operation went ahead but the Englishman woke to find a look of horror on the face of the doctor. "I'm so terribly sorry!!" the doctor said. "Instead of removing half the brain, I've taken the whole brain out". The patient replied, "No worries, mate!!"
The flipside of cont...
“The flipside of contagious gum disease is an infectious smile.”
A doctor lacking empathy - Friday fun, black humor joke
A woman has a serious accident and ends up in the hospital undergoing surgery. Her husband waits in the waiting room, distraught, when several hours later the surgeon exits the operating room and approaches him. '"Good news: the procedure was successful.But the road to recovery will be tough. She'll need intensive rehab for years, setting you back about $3,000 a month.' The husband starts to get worried. 'Then, she'll likely need more surgeries in the future. There might be follow-up surgeries, which insurance won't cover. That's another potential $105,000 to $200,000. The man starts to break into a cold sweat. 'And in reality, she'll need a high-quality wheelchair and a suitable vehicle for transporting the disabled, but with $35,000, you should manage.' The husband, deeply concerned about the money, looks desperate. The surgeon offers a comforting hand and says, 'Don't worry dude,I was just kidding.
She's dead!'
Where Is God?
A couple had two little boys who were always getting into trouble. Their parents knew that if any mischief occurred in their village, their sons were probably involved. The boys' mother heard that an elder in town had been successful in disciplining children, so she asked if he would speak with her sons. The elder agreed, but asked to see them separately. So, the mother sent her youngest son first, in the morning. The elder, a huge man with a booming voice, sat the boy down and asked him sternly, "Where is God?" The boy's mouth dropped open, but he made no response.So the elder repeated the question in an even sterner tone, "Where is God!!?" Again the wide-eyed boy made no attempt to answer. The elder raised his voice and bellowed, "WHERE IS GOD!?" The boy screamed and bolted from the room, ran directly home and dove into a closet, slamming the door behind him. When his older brother found him hiding, he asked, "What happened?"The younger brother, gasping for breath, replied, "We are in BIG trouble this time. God is missing, and they think WE did it!" 
