Jokes of the day for Monday, 23 May 2022
| Funny jokes, funny photo and funny video collected from the internet on Monday, 23 May 2022 |
Doctor Bloomfield, who was kno
Doctor Bloomfield, who was known for extraordinary treatment of arthritis, had a waiting room full of people when a little old lady, almost bent over in half, shuffled in slowly, leaning on her cane. When her turn came, she went into the doctor's office, and, amazingly, emerged within 5 minutes walking completely erect with her head held high. A woman in the waiting room who had seen all this rushed up to the little old lady and said, "It's a miracle! You walked in bent in half and now you're walking erect. What did that doctor do?""Gave me a longer cane."
Why are you crying?
Two guys were sitting outside a medical clinic. One of them was crying, tears were pouring down his face.
The other guy asked, "Why are you crying?"
The first one replied, "I came here for blood test."
The second one asked, "So? Why are you crying? Are you afraid?"
The first guy replied, "No. Not that. During the blood test they cut my finger."
Hearing this, the second one started crying.
The first one was astonished and asked the other, "Why are you crying?"
Then the second guy replied, "I have come for a urine test."
Double Martini
A businessman enters a tavern, sits down at the bar, and orders a double martini on the rocks.
After he finishes the drink, he peeks inside his shirt pocket, then orders the bartender to prepare another double martini.
After he finishes that it, he again peeks inside his shirt pocket and orders the bartender to bring another double martini. The bartender says, "Look, buddy, I'll bring ya' martinis all night long - but you gotta tell me why you look inside your shirt pocket before you order a refill."
The customer replies, "I'm peeking at a photo of my wife.
When she starts to look good, I know it's time to go home."
Chuck Norris, who had grown ti...
Chuck Norris, who had grown tired of easy victories in fights, once fought himself to the death and won.Patton Oswalt: Romantic Comedies
Every romantic comedy should just be called, Trying to F**k.Anger versus Exasperation
A young girl who was writing a paper for school came to her father and asked, “Dad, what is the difference between anger and exasperation?” The father replied, “It is mostly a matter of degree. Let me show you what I mean.”
With that the father went to the telephone and dialed a number at random. To the man who answered the phone, he said, “Hello, is Melvin there?”
The man answered, “There is no one living here named Melvin. Why don't you learn to look up numbers before you dial”.
“See,” said the father to his daughter. “That man was not a bit happy with our call. He was probably very busy with something and we annoyed him. Now watch….”
The father dialed the number again. “Hello, is Melvin there?” asked the father.
“Now look here!” came the heated reply. “You just called this number and I told you that there is no Melvin here! You've got lot of guts calling again!” The receiver slammed down hard.
The father turned to his daughter and said, “You see, that was anger. Now I'll show you what exasperation means.”
He dialed the same number, and when a violent voice roared, “Hello!”
The father calmly said, “Hello, this is Melvin. Have there been any calls for me?”
A man got really drunk one nig...
A man got really drunk one night in his local pub. The barman refused to serve him any more alcohol and told him he should be heading home. The man thought this was a good idea so he stood up to leave but fell over straight away. He tried to stand up again but only fell over again. He thought if only he could get outside and get some fresh air he'd be grand. So he crawled outside then tried to stand up and fell over again. In the end after falling over lots more he decided to crawl home. When he got back to his house he pulled himself up using the door handle but as soon as he let go he fell over again. He had to crawl up the stairs and managed to fall over onto the bed and fell asleep. When he finally woke up the next morning his wife asked him what he was doing at the pub last night. He denied it but she said, "I know you were there..." he maintained his innocence until "...the barman rang to say you forgot your wheelchair again...." Wanna Dance?
A rather awkward freshman finally got up the nerve to ask a pretty junior for a dance at the homecoming. She gave him the once-over and said, "Sorry, I won't dance with a child."
"Oh I'm sorry," responded the underclassman, "I didn't realize you were pregnant."
What Is A Pessimist?
What is a Pessimist?
The real world dictionary defines a 'pessimist' as an optimist with no experience.
This Is One Smart Dog
A butcher is leaning on the counter toward the close of day when a dog with a basket in its jaws comes pushing through the door."An' wot's this then?" he asked. The dog knocks the basket sharply into the butcher's shins.
"You dumb dog." As he reaches down to smack the dog, he notices a note and a ten dollar bill in the basket.
The scribble on the note asks for three pounds of his best mince [ground beef]. The butcher figures this is too easy. He goes to the window and reaches for the dried up stuff that's been sitting out all day.
The dog growls at him. The butcher turns around and, glaring at the pup, gets the best mince from the fridge. Weighing out about 2 1/2 pounds, he drops in on the scale with his thumb.
"Hmmmmm, a bit shy. Who'll know?"
Again, the dog growls menacingly. "Alright, alright," as he throws on a generous half pound. He wraps it out, drops it in the basket, and drops in change from a five. The dog threatens to chew him off at the ankles. Another five goes in the basket.
The butcher is quite impressed and decides to follow the piddy pup home. The dog quickly enters a high-rise buildings, pushes the lift button, enters the lift, and then pushes the button for the 12th floor. The dog walks down the corridor and smartly bangs the basket on the door. The door opens, and the dog's owner screams at the dog.
"Hey, what are you doing? That's a really smart dog you've got there," comments the butcher.
"He's a stupid dog--that's the third time this week he's forgotten his key.
A man and his wife received a...
A man and his wife received a letter from their daughter who went to study overseas: My beloved Parents, I miss you so much. I don’t know when I’m coming home, but it seems not anytime soon. It breaks my heart to think that by the time I get back you’ll be too old. So enclosed you will find a bottle of a potion I have invented. It will make you young, so when I return you’ll be the same age as I left you.
NOTE: “Please take only one drop”
So they opened the envelope and in it there is a bottle with a red potion. The husband looks at the wife and says: “You go first.”
So the wife opens the bottle and takes a drop, there after the husband follows. Indeed they do turn 5 years younger.
Years later the daughter returns home to find her mother young and beautiful, carrying a baby on her back.
The mother proceeds to tell her daughter how the potion worked and made her look young.
The daughter is delighted and asks about her father.
“Your father? Hmmm, my child, your father was so jealous that I was young and beautiful so he drank the whole bottle.”
“So where is he?”
“Oh, that’s him I have on my back."
Deep Thoughts
1. Nothing stinks more than that moment during an argument when you realize you're wrong. 2. I totally take back all those times I didn't want to nap when I was younger.
3. There is a great need for a sarcasm font.
4. Sometimes, I'll watch a movie that I watched when I was younger and suddenly realize I had no idea what was going on when I first saw it.
5. I would rather try to carry 10 plastic grocery bags in each hand than take 2 trips to bring my groceries in.
6. I think part of a best friend's job should be to immediately clear your computer history if you die.
7. Was learning to write in cursive really necessary?
8. I have a hard time deciphering the fine line between boredom and hunger.
9. How many times is it appropriate to say "What?" before you just nod and smile because you still didn't hear what they said?
10. I love the sense of camaraderie when an entire line of cars teams up to prevent a jerk from cutting in at the front.. Stay strong, brothers and sisters!
11. MapQuest really needs to start their directions on #5. Pretty sure I know how to get out of my neighborhood.
12. Obituaries would be a lot more interesting if they told you how the person died.
13. Bad decisions make good stories.
14. You never know when it will strike, but there comes a moment at work when you've made up your mind that you just aren't doing anything productive for the rest of the day.
15. Can we all just agree to ignore whatever comes after DVDs? I don't want to have to restart my collection.
16. I hate when I just miss a call by the last ring, but when I immediately call back, it rings nine times and goes to voicemail. What'd you do after I didn't answer? Drop the phone and run away?
17. I hate leaving my house confident and looking good and then not seeing anyone of importance the entire day. What a waste.
18. It should probably be called Unplanned Parenthood.
19. Even under ideal conditions people have trouble locating their car keys in a pocket and Pinning the Tail on the Donkey - but I'd bet everyone can find and push the Snooze button from 3 feet away, in about 1.7 seconds, eyes closed, first time every time...
20. I disagree with Kay Jewelers. I would bet on any given Friday or Saturday night more kisses begin with Miller Lites than Kay.
